Finding The One: 16 Simple Steps To Attracting Him
Are you ready to find “the one”?
You’re tired of ghosters, time-wasters, and mediocre dates that just aren’t going anywhere. Dating apps and websites have left you exhausted and overwhelmed, and you’re starting to wonder if you’re the one doing something wrong.
Why can’t I find the one?
Does he even exist?
If this sounds familiar, you’ve landed in the right place.
Here’s the biggest secret that most people won’t tell you when it comes to finding the one:
If you want to meet an amazing person, the best thing to do is become an amazing person yourself.
Become the adventurous, go-getting, kind, playful, romantic, and confident person you’re looking for.
When you shift the focus from men to yourself and get clear on the kind of life you want to live and the kind of partner you want to be, you’ll find you start meeting better matches for you and establishing genuine connections that have real potential.
So, if you’re serious about finding the one and ready to shift your usual perspective and approach, you’re in the right place.
Should you even try finding the one?
Did you know that your relationship might be happier and stronger if you don’t believe in the idea of soulmates?
One study found that couples who believed in destiny, fate, or soulmates were more likely to break up than those who don’t.
This is because when you believe there is one perfect person for you on the whole planet, you automatically assume that finding the “right” person will form the foundation of a happy relationship.
Plus, this belief will seriously limit your dating options.
You’re likely to reject amazing potential partners who are compatible with you based on the illusion that there’s someone better suited out there for you.
One minor flaw or lousy habit might seem like plausible grounds to reject a guy on, even if he’s potentially great for you.
FYI: everybody has flaws (even Ryan Gossling).
The reality is, life is a lot more complicated than the romantic fairytale you’ve probably been sold.
Finding the one is actually about finding someone you connect with on a deep level who you believe will make you the happiest in the long run. It’s about finding someone you want to share and build a life with, and it’s about accepting that there is no perfect match.
So, if you’ve been laser-focused on finding the one, I invite you to do something a little different.
Forget the idea of there being a “one” and start focusing on enjoying meeting new people, dating, and seeing where things go.
1. Finding the one: Love yourself first
You’ve probably heard this saying a hundred times already, but I’m going to repeat it here to give you a much-needed reminder:
You have to work on loving yourself first before you can fully love somebody else.
Let me put this another way: how can you sell something to others that you don’t even believe in yourself?
If you haven’t taken the time to fall in love with your gifts, beauty, and quirks, you won’t know what you have to offer someone in a partnership. You won’t know or recognize your value, which leads to us attracting someone who isn’t good for us or doesn’t deserve us.
This is why building your sexy confidence and building your foundation of self-love is step one of my 7 Little Love Steps.
The truth is, finding the one will never fulfill you the way you desire if you don’t already have a strong sense of self-worth and self-confidence. If you think you’ll feel great about yourself after you find him, think again. This is an unhealthy belief that puts your happiness in someone else’s hands. No one else can truly make you happy—it’s an inside job.
So, are you taking care of yourself?
Do you value and appreciate yourself?
When was the last time you showed yourself love and compassion?
What can you do to love yourself a little more each day?
Make a list and commit to showing yourself at least one act of self-love.
2. Ditch your timeline
Maybe you used to have a timeline for when you would find an amazing man, buy a house, get married, and have kids.
Maybe you still have a timeline like that.
I hate to break it to you, but life isn’t clean-cut like this. It’s messy and wild, and it rarely goes according to plan. If you do things right, chances are you won’t get what you wished for; you’ll get something even better.
Trying to follow a timeline or society’s script for when you “should” do things will only leave you feeling like you’re stuck on a treadmill that you can’t turn off. It will almost certainly leave you feeling miserable.
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Even when you get the thing you wanted in the time you gave yourself, you’ll move straight on to trying to check off the next thing.
Before you say it, I know women have to think about timelines more than us guys because your fertility has a window. But don’t let this influence your decisions too much. Don’t try and make a relationship work when it clearly isn’t right. If you’re not on the same page, don’t let the relationship drag on.
Plus, science continues to advance every day. Women have so many more options than they used to. So try and let go of some of that pressure you’re putting on yourself.
3. Finding the one is easier when you figure out what you’re looking for
Wants are different from needs.
Wants are negotiable, whereas needs are not.
You might want a guy who’s taller than you with blue eyes and dark hair. But you might need a man who doesn’t want to get married or have kids.
Wants usually include things like a guy’s job, physical details, and how intelligent he is. Although these things might seem important, you’ll often find that they don’t matter as much as you think they do.
Needs usually reflect the qualities that matter most to you. This includes values, lifestyle, and ambitions. These are usually things that cannot be determined by reading someone’s dating profile or sharing one drink with them.
Now that you know the difference, get clear on what you’re actually looking for. What does your dream guy look like, inside and out?
First, make a list of non-negotiable needs.
If a guy doesn’t tick these boxes, he’s not going to be compatible with you long-term.
You can then make a list of wants, but think of them as nice-to-haves rather than boxes that he must tick.
This is what I call your love vision.
It’s important not to skip this step because when you take time to figure out what you need in a partner, it makes the search a lot easier.
4. Get help finding the one from a dating coach
There’s a lot to know and learn when it comes to dating and finding a real, long-lasting relationship.
So, if the whole idea of dating and finding the one is overwhelming, don’t worry. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to do this alone either.
Enlisting in expert help from a dating coach might be what you need to recognize your worth, start moving in the right direction, and find the amazing man you deserve.
5. Explore your interests & live a whole life on your own
The next step for finding the one for you is to focus on living a full life on your own.
If you don’t have any hobbies or interests, now is the time to find some new ones. And if you already have some, try some new ones too!
Think about what you’ve always wanted to try but never have, or what you’re deeply passionate about, or the things that feel good to do.
The possibilities are endless.
Devoting time to doing things you enjoy is a great way to keep a balanced, whole life. Dating can sometimes become all-consuming and the focus of all your attention—but your real focus should be your happiness.
Developing and nurturing your interests will bring you joy, help you meet new people, and have fun experiences. The by-product of this is it will make you more exciting and attractive to others.
You don’t need to be in a relationship to live an incredible, adventurous life. You can do that today!
6. Be super social
If you’re serious about finding the one, you have to commit to being extremely social.
It doesn’t matter if you’re naturally introverted or shy—you can still be authentic, but make sure you’re giving yourself plenty of opportunities to meet new people.
In my dating coaching program Love Accelerator, we encourage you to keep a “Social Score.” This means we encourage you to set goals for how many new people you want to meet and hold you accountable to those goals.
Setting goals like this helps you stay focused and committed to what you want, and it gives you the nudge you need to keep putting yourself out there. Before you know it, you’ll be in a healthy, happy, committed relationship with an amazing man.
7. Use online dating apps effectively for finding the one
Online dating apps and websites can be a great way to connect with new people. The problem is, most people are using them the wrong way.
If you find you encounter many men who seem to flake or ghost on dating sites, there’s a reason why.
Dating apps are a brilliant way to meet new people instantly, but after that, the ball is in your court. It’s on you to communicate what you’re looking for.
I recommend meeting up with someone for a cup of coffee within a week of matching on a dating app.
Some people will be on the same page, while others won’t be. But it’s better to eliminate the flakey guys now than later on when you’ve invested more time in them. Your time is too precious to be playing games or dancing around what you want.
When it comes to setting up your dating app profile, studies have shown small things that can increase your chances of success, including a clear, attractive picture of yourself and a fluent headline message. When it comes to sending a compelling message that leads to a meet-up, what’s essential is genuine interest, quick turnaround time, humor, and an early move from online chatting to an actual date.
8. Enjoy dating
Next comes the fun part: accepting dates and exploring new connections!
We’ve already explored finding new hobbies, putting yourself out there, and using online dating effectively. You might also want to head to singles events or speed dating nights, try a matchmaking service or ask friends and family to set you up with people they know and think might be a potential match.
The most important thing to remember through all of this is to make having fun your focus because dating is meant to be fun!
Even if a date doesn’t go too well or there’s no connection there, look for the positives. You’re getting out of your comfort zone, brushing up on your flirting skills, expanding your social circle, and meeting people from all walks of life.
During this dating phase, don’t forget that you are in the power seat. Don’t chase guys; let them pursue you. Your job is to figure out whether he meets your love vision.
9. Keep your options open
I always tell the women I coach to keep their options open during the dating phase.
You’re still going on new first dates, second dates, and maybe even third dates.
You’re talking to multiple men, getting a better sense of who is potentially a good match for you and who you want to keep seeing again and again.
Now is the time to slow things down a notch. This will give you the time and space you need to figure out who you want to take that next step with and date exclusively. Plus, this will naturally make men pursue you harder.
10. Expect to be “rejected”
If you put all your energy into preventing being rejected by anybody, then you’ll never end up putting yourself out there. Dating is all about putting yourself out there and being vulnerable. This is what love is built on.
So, as much as it sucks, you will have to face rejection, whether you’re the one doing the rejecting or on the receiving end of it.
Most of us find this difficult because we take being rejected by someone as a personal rejection. We assume there’s something wrong with us.
Why doesn’t he like me?
This is the wrong way to look at it. Rejection is never usually about you; it’s about the person doing the rejecting. You have zero control over this. And it’s a great thing because it means you’re one step closer to finding the one who’s right for you.
Don’t take it personally. Let it go as quickly as you can, and move on to the next guy.
11. Communicate what you want early on
“Women who ask for what they want are often labeled as abrasive in our culture. But holding back can be detrimental to your dating life.”—Alison Pelz, Psychotherapist.
You can’t create a healthy, functional relationship with a man unless you can have open and honest conversations during the dating phase.
Communication is a skill, and it’s not one that many of us learn deeply as kids. Similarly, being vulnerable can be a great strength, but we’ve learned to view it as a weakness.
Communication and vulnerability are both needed to express what you want and need early on. So, if you like a guy, tell him. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, be open about that. This is incredibly attractive, and it weeds out anyone who isn’t a good match for you.
12. Be authentic (and accept your flaws)
Being authentic means you’re able to be who you are and feel comfortable with whoever you’re with. But this means you accept all parts of yourself—your strengths and your flaws because we all have them.
One of the best traits for everyone to look for in a potential partner is someone who can recognize their flaws and hold themselves accountable for them.
This is a sign of a mature, emotionally intelligent, self-aware person.
13. Pay attention to red flags!
While we all have our flaws, there’s a difference between a flaw and a red flag. A red flag is a significant issue that will create a problem in the foundation of a potential relationship.
Red flags include:
- Depending on alcohol to communicate well, laugh, or have sex
- Resisting commitment
- He is unable to fully focus his attention on you when you’re with him
- Jealousy over you spending time with others
- Controlling behavior
- It’s a purely physical connection
- You only ever hang out together as part of a group
When you spot a red flag, don’t gloss over it, and don’t be afraid to walk away.
14. Build a genuine connection
When you’re on a date with a guy, the best way to build a genuine connection is to be fully present.
That means to give him your full attention and focus. Really listen to what he’s saying. Don’t be thinking about what you want to say after he’s done talking. Actively listen. Most people don’t know how to do this anymore—our attention spans are incredibly short!
If you’re not interested in your date, it will show. So, if this is the case, there’s no point in pursuing it further. But if you are interested, then show it. People can feel this.
Listening intently will help you get to know someone on a deeper level and build intimacy between you.
15. Experience some conflict together
Finding the one is not about finding someone you never argue with. In a long-term relationship, you are bound to disagree and have moments of conflict. Not only is this normal, but it’s also healthy.
What’s important is how you navigate conflict together.
Are you able to communicate calmly, clearly, and with respect, even when you’re pissed off?
You don’t honestly know how suited you are with someone until you’ve had your first big argument and figured out a solution together.
16. Think you’ve found the one? Make sure you have “the talk.”
It won’t be long before you’ve found a guy who you think might be the one for you.
You’ve dated for a while, built a genuine connection, and he shares similar values and goals to you. He meets your love vision, you’ve taken things slowly, and you want to spend more and more time with him.
You’re ready to make things exclusive.
So, the final step is to have “the talk.”
When you’re with the right person, conversations like this should happen naturally and feel easy to navigate. You should both be excited to build a future together.
Remember, if you don’t set clear boundaries like this and make sure you’re both on the same page, the relationship will not be built to last long-term. The very first boundary in any healthy relationship is a commitment from both people.
Are you ready to find an amazing man and the relationship you deserve?
Finding the one—or rather, a fantastic match for you—is all about getting clear on who you are, what you’re looking for, and actively committing to meeting as many new people as possible.
What do you think your biggest challenge is when it comes to finding the one?
Drop me a comment below, and let’s find you the relationship you deserve.