How to Get Over the Love of Your Life: 14 Ways to Get Over Him

how to get over the love of your life

He broke your heart, and now you’re struggling to know how to get over the love of your life.

Everything seems dull and gray. Though it’s been weeks (or even months), you can’t pull yourself out of this funk.

You can’t focus.

You can’t eat.

You can’t sleep.

While you know that being with your ex isn’t the right thing for you, that doesn’t make it any easier to get over someone you love deeply.

Introduction

Whether you ended things with him, or vice versa, you know that this man wasn’t right for you in some way. It hurts. Hard. But you know that being without him is the right path.

Only…accepting how to get over the love of your life is easier said than done.

Your friends tell you that you’ll be okay, and you just want to punch them. They can’t possibly understand what you’re going through…can they?

I know you’re super focused on yourself right now, but realize: most people have been through heartbreak at some point. So even though you feel like your friends don’t get it, they probably do.  So let them be there for you and take care of you.

Was He Really the Love of Your Life?

Right now, you can’t imagine any love bigger than what you had, whether it was for weeks, months, or years. And very likely, you’ve never loved anyone as much as you loved this man. But take heart: there is bigger and better love waiting for you down the road. You need to take time and heal from this heartbreak, then open your heart up to loving again.

In the early stages of heartbreak, you will be overwhelmed with grief, and you will think that this man was the love of your life and that you’ll never find better. But realize that your thinking is skewed right now. In many ways, you’re not in your right mind.

Acknowledge any and all feelings you have, but let them pass through you rather than act on them, desperately calling your ex in an attempt to get back together.

You won’t know if he was the love of your life until later in your life when you have more experiences to compare him to, but I’m guessing that if things are over, he wasn’t your soulmate.

So take comfort in knowing the best love is still ahead of you.

14 Proven Steps to Get Over the Love of Your Life

In order to succeed in how to get over the love of your life, you need to go through each of these steps which have, in my years of relationship coaching, proven again and again to work. Be patient with yourself. This won’t happen overnight, or even in a few weeks. The best thing you can do right now is put yourself first for the healing process.

1. Let Time Do Its Job

time heals all wounds

Remember: time heals all wounds.

There is, unfortunately, no set timeline for how long it takes your heart to heal after a breakup. You’ll find articles online that say you need a month for every year you were together, but that isn’t precise. Everyone’s different.

And I know it can be frustrating to get through this part of the grieving process, but realize there’s nothing you can do to rush it. What you do during this time will make the difference in how you heal, though.

It turns out that heartbreak is actually a physical thing. Researchers at the University of Aberdeen found that takotsubo cardiomyopathy or “broken heart syndrome,” though a rare condition, is caused by intense emotional or physical stress. The heart muscle is stunned, causing the left ventricle to change shape. All the more reason to take care of yourself!

2. When You Miss Him, Remember Why You Let Him Go

I can almost 100% guarantee that in the coming weeks, you will miss your ex at least part of the time. You will remember only the positive things about your relationship…and none of the bad things.

“He was such a good cook!” [forgetting how he made a big stink if you didn’t wash the dishes HIS way.]

“I loved talking all night with him!” [ignoring how he would be cranky in the morning and start an argument with you.]

“He really loved me.” [though he had trouble showing it much of the time.]

It may be helpful to journal about your feelings right not to process them. You can write about what you miss…but you have to also be real and talk about what you don’t. Write out why you broke up with him (or why it’s good that he broke up with you) so that you can refer back to this when you forget.

3. Know That You Will Find Love Again

I will find love

You have to believe that you’ll find love again to find it.

I know that right now you want to believe that you have already had the only great love of your life, but I am here to tell you: that’s not true. You have plenty of time to find The One, and trust me, Sexy Confident Lady, that wasn’t him.

You can’t fathom finding love again — an even bigger and better love than you’ve ever known — but I need you to tell yourself that you will. It may be hard to believe right now, but like positive affirmations, the more you say them, the more you believe them.

So every morning when you wash your face, I want you to look in the mirror at your reflection and say out loud:

“I WILL find love again.”

4. Stop All Communication With Him

I’ve touched on this tip in posts about the No Contact Rule, but it’s usually advice I give when you want to win back your ex-boyfriend. In this case, ceasing all contact is for your own sanity so that you can focus on healing.

I realize that if you have kids together, this is going to be tough. If that’s the case, make sure communication is either text or email and only deals with the logistics of co-parenting. If he starts pointing the finger at you as the cause of the demise of your relationship or tries to win you back, do not respond.

Otherwise, it should be simple to have no contact. Unfriend him on social media. Delete his number from your phone (this prevents drunk texting your ex!). It’s all too easy to swipe through your ex’s Instagram feed and fall apart when you see a photo of him with a woman, so by blocking all communication and contact connections, you avoid this possibility.

Make sure you also tell your friends not to inform you about what he’s up to if they follow him on social media.

5. Get Rid of Old Photos, Objects, Presents That Make You Remember Him

woman with trash

Those old memories aren’t serving you.

I’ve worked with women who save mementos from every. single. relationship. they’ve. ever. had. Including their first boyfriends from 8th grade.

I say there is absolutely no value in doing so! It only makes you dredge up old memories and think about your ex.

So toss that concert tee of his that you loved to sleep in.

Delete photos of the two of you from your phone.

Give away that giant teddy bear he gave you.

If you absolutely can’t part with something he gave you, pack it away and get it out of sight. If you don’t think about that item for over a year, I encourage you to then let it go.

6. Take a Social Media Break

While sure, you don’t want to risk seeing photos of your ex through mutual friends’ profiles, this is also just to recenter your focus on yourself. Research shows that spending a lot of time on social media can make you depressed, and since you’re already there, there’s no value in adding fuel to the fire.

When you’re learning how to get over the love of your life, it can hurt to see others so happy on Facebook and Instagram. Just remember: we tend to filter our lives for social media, so more than likely, none of your friends are as happy as they seem. Still, deleting your social media apps for a while will let you live in the moment and appreciate what’s going on around you.

7. Go on”Dates” with Your Friends

Who said dates had to be romantic? Use this time to reconnect with friends who you maybe haven’t spent as much time with lately. They’ll be eager to be there for you during these hard times, and it’s a great excuse to dress up and do something fun together.

Rather than waiting until you’re in a relationship with a guy who will splurge on taking you to a fancy restaurant…go with your besties.

Instead of waiting for that latest girl power chick flick to come out on Netflix, share a giant tub of popcorn with your sister and see it on the big screen.

Schedule a weekly can’t-be-canceled homecooked dinner with a handful of girlfriends.

Not only will you bond with the people who matter to you more than ever, but you’ll also quickly fill up your calendar, giving you less time to sit around feeling sorry for yourself.

8. Allow Yourself to Be Sad…But Don’t Wallow

sad woman

It’s okay to have sad days…just don’t let it overcome you daily.

You’ll learn, as you try to get over your ex, that your sadness will make people uncomfortable. “Don’t be sad,” they’ll say. You will be unable to do anything about it.

I say, let yourself be sad. Acknowledge that, in this particular moment, you are drowning in sorrow. It will pass. Let it.

You don’t need to fake happiness. But if on the other end, you notice that you’re looking forward to wallowing in your sorrow on the couch with a box of tissues every night, it’s time to do something. Consider talking to a therapist, or at the very least, a good friend.

9. Give Up the Idea That You’re Meant to Be With Him

This goes back to my question: was he really the love of your life? Once you’ve had a few weeks away from him, you may answer that question differently than right after the breakup.  But maybe you keep believing that somewhere down the road, the two of you will get back together.

Maybe it’s happened in the past. Maybe you’ve broken up and gotten back together more times than you can count. But that doesn’t make the two of you meant to be; it just makes you habits of one another. Probably you didn’t take enough time apart to reflect on all that was wrong in your relationship before getting back together.

I hate throwing out platitudes, but let me just say: if it’s meant to be, it will be. But more than likely, it isn’t meant to be. You just can’t see around the situation to realize it.

Consider your relationship with this guy like an object in your car’s rearview mirror. Right after the breakup, it’s right there, behind your car.  You can’t see around it to see what else is there. But over time, as you drive down that metaphorical road of life, it gets smaller and smaller…until you can barely see it. Give it time. It’ll disappear from sight.

10. Do Not Compare Yourself to Others

“My friend Tiff was over her ex in a month,” you whine, “so why are you telling me this will take months, Adam?”

The thing is, you don’t realize that Tiff has made a bunch of bad decisions in dating in an effort to forget her ex (clearly showing that she wasn’t over him). She drinks a bottle of wine every night. She hides this because she wants you to think she’s okay.

She’s not.

So stop comparing yourself to her or anyone else. This is your path, and it will take as long as you need it to. Not as long as you want it to!

11. Be Proud of Your Decision to Get Over The Love of Your Life

via GIPHY

Especially if you ended the relationship, you need to give yourself a pat on the back. Not every woman has the strength to leave a relationship, especially if there aren’t huge glaring issues in it. But you decided not to settle on a Good Enough relationship because, deep down, you know there’s someone better out there for you.

So take a moment and really reflect on the courage it took to leave the man you consider the love of your life. Likely there were some benefits of being with him, like him encouraging you to start your own business or introducing you to sushi.  But you realized that those benefits weren’t enough to keep you in the wrong relationship, and so you left.

Good for you!

12. Learn from the Breakup

I encourage my relationship coaching clients to find the lessons in everything they do in dating and relationships. That includes breakups. If you reflect on it, you likely can see some things that you want to avoid in future relationships. You might even want to communicate differently with the next guy.

Again, journaling can help. Don’t look at this relationship as something you regret; instead, find what you got out of it and how it makes you better equipped for the next relationship.

13. Put Yourself Back into the Dating Game

Ugg. I know this is the last piece of advice you want to hear right now, but one day, you’ll be ready for it once you’re over someone you loved deeply.

When it comes to getting back out there, just think: you have nothing to lose.

If you meet a man you connected with online, through friends, or at a coffee shop, you don’t have to marry him. You don’t even have to kiss him. You just need to see if there’s chemistry and whether or not you’d like to invest more time in getting to know him.

14. Trust Your Future! It Will Surprise You!

The day will come when you stop and realize, “I’m okay. I’m really okay.”

That day, you’ll see that your future is big and bright ahead of you. And while you won’t know exactly what it entails or when you will meet the man who is the love of your life, that’s what makes it so exciting.

So let your future unfold without the need to control it. Take every day with gratitude, and live in the now.

Conclusion: How to Get Over the Love of Your Life? Slowly and Deliberately

healing woman

Take this time to be gentle with yourself.

Consider the process of learning how to get over the love of your life as your graduate degree in the School of Hard Knocks. It will suck, guaranteed. But it will end.  Keep that perspective, even when things look bleak.

Billions of people around the world have lived through heartache. You can choose to be a victim for the rest of your life, keeping that pain at the center of everything you do…or you can simply experience it and move on.

I know which I prefer.

Be kind to yourself. You will have days when you feel like you’re back to Square One, and trust me: that’s completely normal. Keep the perspective of the big picture and how far you’ve come since the breakup, and know that every day, you’re one day closer to being whole and healed.

What tips can you share with other readers on how to get over the love of your life? Please share them in the comments below.

Also, if you’d like to join me on a brand new webinar to learn “why men flake, avoid commitment and consistently ghost until they meet a woman who’s following these 7 simple steps”, then register here (it’s 100% free).

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Adam LoDolce

Love Strategist

My true passion in life is transforming your love life by giving you specific tools and techniques that you can use to attract long lasting love. I got started when...Read Adam's Story

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Wendy
2 years ago

Thanks for the wonderful insight, Adam. Late last summer, I was told that the “love of my life” was getting married – to someone else. We weren’t living together, but yet I would hear “I love you”, “I miss you”, etc. We would go on family outings with my autistic son. We had been in each other’s lives for nearly 25 years!!! We had lived together for over 10 of those. (We were friends or many years before co-existing). I had moved to an area about 20 miles away for better schooling for my son. I now realize why there… Read more »

Ashley
1 year ago
Reply to  Wendy

You’re a very strong woman Wendy! I give you a lot of credit for writing this and sharing your life and feelings. I hope things have gotten better since you wrote this. Take care!

Zuzu
1 year ago
Reply to  Wendy

Your amazing and inspirational to all single moms as Iam myself one. I’ve been through a very hard breakup and after reading this made me appreciate the pain and loss I went through knowing it’s possible to stay strong and move on for the sake of my child and that no matter how much effort we put in someone else doesn’t mean they will put that same energy back. I hope god blesses you and your son with a loving new partner and if not blesses you with overwhelming love for yourself and your son. I believe in hardships is… Read more »

Paulo
1 year ago

I am a male. I have been involved with a woman for over 3 years. I was married and not so happy 3 kids. 2 years ago my wife moved away to another country, technically we lived together but still kept our relationship secret. I was and still so in love with her… she moved to another (ironically the same were my sort of ex wife is),before that she always gave me signs that wanted a serious relationship. The bottom line is we keep seeing each other… she went for a placement in Asia were she met a guy… she… Read more »

Amber
11 months ago
Reply to  Paulo

Hi, I’m a (younger) female recently lost who I think to be the love of my life, and all I can say from a female perspective is that if she’s telling you about this other guy, even with the ‘tell me if I’m sharing too many details’- she’s doing that to make you jealous- and the only reason she would do so is that there’s something still there for her. Have you tried being brutally, embarrassingly honest with her with your feelings towards her? Maybe you should try- because I know that’s something I’d die to hear myself.

Angel
7 months ago
Reply to  Paulo

Hello there 🙂
I am too in similar situation so I know how exactly it feels like…all my wishes with you that u get over with it as soon as possible…Do try ur last…Be more vocal so that if the girl still doesnt agree to b wd u…U have more reasons to calm down ur feelings and especially the crazy heart that never want to admit…That the person has gone…I am consoling my soul also while writing this…

Dennis
1 year ago

I had a 30 year marrige that I ruined( that ones one me!), then I had a 6 year relationship with a woman that ended (that ones on her) I never lied cheated or stealed. I thought was the love of my life. Can you find love 3 times in a lifetime?

LeeAnne
1 year ago

I’m currently in this dredge. I’ve always been labelled as “strong” (that word burns to hear right now). I’ve experienced break ups and a divorce. I’ve rebuilt life and have walked away from people who hurt me. This time though, this one is hard. Very hard. I know the reality of why it didn’t work, I’m presently nursing broken ribs to remember why. I feel that this one is so tough because he was so condependant, I was put in the position to be his hero and I fought some pretty hard battles for him. It was traumatic and toxic… Read more »

nikki
1 year ago
Reply to  LeeAnne

LeeAnne, thank you for sharing your story. You are strong and you don’t even realize it. You are a warrior in fact. I find my story in your words. The pain of losing him has slowed down time to the second and I wish that I could self care and love myself but I can’t. I need him and just like you, I’ve unblocked and blocked his number in hopes, although I know he isn’t good for me I feel as though I need him to survive. Sounds insane. I wish I was more like you LeeAnne. I don’t want… Read more »

KC
1 year ago

I met and courted the man that I loved for 6 years. I put him on a pedestal. He was good to me and to my family and I loved him even more with each day that we were together. Problem is, I expected him to feel the same way as I do. In my mind, if I earnestly and sincerely love this man, he would feel the same way. But the truth is, he’s the type of man who needs the emotional connection with multiple women to get his full spectrum of needs met. This became glaringly apparent when… Read more »

1 year ago

Im a girl
My ex ended me 4 weeks ago on text and i really what him back in my life but when he seens me his smiles and when i go get my drinks at his workplace he hids and we was dating for 5 months and he said we was rushing it to far amd and i have his workmates saying its they fault that i lost him and i dont know what to think

SassySarah
11 months ago

I was with my love for 4 years, I never thought I would have a boyfriend ( I guess because I didn’t think I was good enough because I had a mental health diagnosis) Anyway he loved me for who I am and gave me some purpose in my life. He was the dream guy I had always wanted. But there were times when he would snap, or storm off if we had an argument. I knew at these times that I should leave, because of the helplessness he brought up in me when he stormed off or shouted at… Read more »

Sarah
10 months ago

Wow. I spent all day crying today for some of the same reasons that were stated by all the brave people who posted. I had such a terrible and unproductive day which is likely the end to what I had with him. I am so thankful to all of you for posting your stories. The sadness and embarrassment sometimes seems too much to bear but hearing other people’s stories makes me know that I’m not alone in what I’m feeling and that even though it may not feel like it right now, objectively given our track record its probably for… Read more »

Kiara
10 months ago

I am falling apart. I met someone online. We were getting ready for our future and all. Though he was someone famous. I was told to pay to see him. He said he really loves me so much. Me too. I kept telling him that if he truly loves me then he should have come to see. Pay money out of his own pocket. I put my whole heart to him. For 10 years I have been single. I really thought I found true love. He loved no matter what. All I said was if you truly love me, fly… Read more »

Latisha
9 months ago

Yesterday my first love, the only guy I’ve dated that I have had such a connection with, said he lost feelings for me. This guy i really thought that we could overcome any obstacle in our way. We made so many plans for the future. He even hinted he was gonna propose this year. During my pregnancy scare, we started picking out names together. I am so confused at what he said. Its so out of the blue that I dont understand it. Everything was going so good until our coworkers (yes our coworkers because we work together) tried to… Read more »

Reva
4 months ago

Sorry for writing a book… it just seems to help alittle putting it out there. Reading this article gives purpose to continue on. I have lost the love of my adult life and honestly, I’m not sure on how to come out on the other side! We began dating when we were 18 in 1999 and got married in 2004. March 2019, my husband transferred for work on a temporary position. He went from KY to AZ. It was supposed to last 15 months. We video called almost every day (on his short drive from work to his apartment) and… Read more »

nunya
19 days ago

Great advice for teens, but not helpful for those of us who have been together for 35 years.

Brian
19 days ago
Reply to  nunya

Exactly! How are we supposed to get rid of photos and stop all communication when we have kids, grandkids, and joint investments, etc. Stupid advice!

Zenaida
7 days ago

I married my high school sweetheart and we’ve been together for 32 years but married for 25 years! We were so much in love for 31 years but this year he changed and became a totally different man! I thought we were each other’s soulmate and I never pictured him hurting me as much as he has in this past year! He cheated on him and we tried making it work for over a year. We went to counseling but he’s not one to open up to anyone but then he could not get over his mistress. It was like… Read more »

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