He Doesn’t “Know What He Wants?” Learn How To Respond To This

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It’s not easy to have “the conversation.”

You know the one I’m talking about…

You: What ARE we?

Him: Uh…gotta go.

Maybe it takes you weeks to work up the courage to have the conversation, and you’ve listed out your talking points…

… or maybe it spontaneously bursts out at what seems like the worst possible moment for a discussion of this magnitude.

Maybe you’re sick and tired of the uncertainty of whether there’s a future with this guy or not.

However you ended up having this awkward conversation, if his response is I don’t know what I want right now,  it can be devastating, infuriating, and completely confusing.

What does that even mean?

You feel confident in what you want…

… why doesn’t he?

Let me tell you why he says he doesn’t know what he wants. Actually, there are 3 reasons why a guy might tell you he’s not sure what he’s looking for. We’ll get into those in this video and article.

But more than understanding why it is that he doesn’t know what he wants, you need to consider how you respond to him. What you say and do after that conversation will depend on what’s going on behind the scenes.

Check out this video to find out why he tells you he doesn’t know what he wants, as well as how to respond to each situation.

Your coach,

 

 

 

 

Summary

It happens in so many relationships. I just can’t tell you how many.

So many.

You’re ready for a real relationship and commitment, and he is on the fence about moving forward.

You’re in this neither/nor non-relationship relationship.

It sucks.

And when you bring up “the conversation,” you might be hoping that he’ll tell you he’s falling for you.

Only he doesn’t.

Instead, he rubs his head, looks at the floor, and says, I’m not sure what I’m looking for right now.

You walk away feeling bruised and vulnerable for having put yourself out there, letting him know that you were way more into him than he was you.

But should you immediately end things once that horrific conversation is over?

Not necessarily…

The key to making it through this situation is to inject some logic into the equation, instead of reacting based on emotions.

Yes, emotions will be running high for you. You may feel rejected. How could you be falling for him without him falling for you in return?

Still, let cooler heads prevail. I promise you will be happier in the long run if you respond logically rather than emotionally.

In my experience, there are typically three reasons why a guy might say he doesn’t know what he wants.

The way you would respond depends completely on why you think he feels this way. So take a look at these three reasons he says he doesn’t know what he wants and get a game plan together for how you will respond if and when the conversation comes up.

1. He’s Manipulating You

after sex

If he only sees you to have sex, he’s not looking for a relationship.

He knows what he wants and it isn’t you.

He wants to have sex with you…while having the option to do the same thing with many other women.

He’s stringing you along telling you that he’s figuring out what he wants, or that he needs more time when in reality, it’s been figured out from the very beginning.

He’s not looking for a future with you. I’m sorry to say it, but it’s better you hear it from me than from him months from now when you’re too emotionally invested to back out easily.

If This is Why He Doesn’t Know What He Wants…

You want to believe that this guy is really deep, and he just needs more time to work through his feelings. You believe he’ll come out wanting something serious with you.

If, when he tells you he doesn’t know what he wants, you realize he’s shown absolutely no interest in you beyond sex, it’s time to start wondering about this guy.

If he hasn’t tried to spend time with you to get to know you outside of the bedroom…

If he only wants to hang out at night or on his schedule…

Then he’s a manipulator.

The best thing to do in this situation is to protect your heart and move on. You won’t be able to convince a manipulating player that he wants to be in a meaningful relationship with you.

It ain’t happening.

And why would you want it to? This guy is not boyfriend or even husband material. Free yourself up to find a guy that actually is.

2. He’s Legitimately Confused About What He Wants In a Relationship

confused man

He may simply not yet know what he wants from you.

In this case, there’s probably something else going on in his life that’s actually stopping him from jumping head first into a relationship with you.

Maybe he wants you, but his ex keeps texting him and is completely messing with his head.

Maybe he’s got kids and wants to take things suuuuuper slow to ensure that they don’t get hurt if things don’t work out with Dad and his new girlfriend.

Maybe he loves you, but he’s moving across the country in two weeks and doesn’t think that it makes sense to develop a long-distance relationship.

[As a side note, the average length of time a long-distance relationship lasts is just 4.5 months. So he’s right. There’s not much point in developing a relationship with that distance looming ahead.]

Whatever the issue is, you may not even be aware of it. Because you haven’t escalated to that next level in your relationship, he may not feel like he needs to open up to you emotionally. It’s a Catch 22 situation.

If This is Why He Doesn’t Know What He Wants…

The surest sign that he’s just legitimately confused about what he wants is that when you’re with him, it feels like there’s a real emotional connection. You’re sure of him and his feelings for you.

But when you’re not together, he seems to pull away.

You might have a blast together and spend the weekend holed up in your house watching Netflix and enjoying one another, but then you might not hear from him for two days. And even then, you’re the one to reach out.

The best thing to do in this scenario is to just be open with him about what it is that you’re noticing and see if you can get to the heart of the problem.

You: Hey, I’m getting mixed signals from you lately. It seems like you’re really into me like I am you when we’re together, but when we’re apart, I feel really distanced from you when I don’t hear from you for days.

This way you’ll have the information about what’s really going on and understand why he’s acting this way.

Then you can see if it makes sense to pursue the relationship any further. He very honestly may just need time. If you’re willing to give it to him, you may be rewarded with a guy who’s made the effort to really assess what he wants and needs, and who ends up choosing you.

So…patience, m’lady.

3. He’s Delaying the Decision Until He Knows You Better

Sometimes people just have different speeds when it comes to moving a relationship to the next level.

For you, it might take you three weeks before you want to dive head first. You’re dying to hear those three magical words.

He, on the other hand, might need six months before he really knows whether or not he sees a future with you.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you if you fall first or faster. And there’s nothing wrong with him for taking his time.

Like I said: everyone’s got their own schedule for this sort of thing. It can be incredibly frustrating if you’re ahead of him because you have to wait with uncertainty to see if he feels the same.

And he might not.

If he doesn’t, then you’ve invested all this energy into falling for a guy who in the end realized the two of you weren’t a long-term match. And that will take some time to work through.

On the other hand, if he doesn’t know what he wants because he wants to be 1,000% sure that you’re right for him, you should be glad of that. This guy won’t hurt you by saying he loves you without meaning it. He’ll take his time and do it right.

Editor’s note: Ready to attract love with a proven strategy? Watch this free video to learn the 7 powerful steps

If This is Why He Doesn’t Know What He Wants…

If you haven’t known each other for very long, that may be why he says he doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t feel like he’s had enough time to get to know you to be sure he wants to move forward with you.

I know you’re in a hurry to create something new and lasting with this guy, but I urge you to slow down. Let him set the tempo.

No one ever regretted moving slower toward falling in love. Ever.

If you haven’t known someone for that long, there’s no reason to push commitment. Having “the conversation” before two or three months — at a minimum — can make him so uncomfortable that he decides to move on from you. He might be open to committing to you, but if you force the issue too soon, you might scare him off. He may wonder why you’re so desperate to jump in so fast.

Don’t use those two or three months I used as an example as a hard and fast rule. Use common sense. If he’s showing signs he’s interested in committing to you but seems hesitant after four months…or seven…that’s when this conversation should happen. Any sooner and you’ll spook him. So read the signs. Pay attention. Then make your move.

Conclusion:

happy couple mountains

Be patient when he doesn’t know what he wants.

You don’t have to end things just because he’s he doesn’t know what he wants right now. He could have a good reason for being unsure, like #2 and #3 that I covered here.

Don’t rush it.

If you’re dating in your 40s, realize that the men you meet are more likely to have baggage, and may be more hesitant to get into something serious, especially if they’ve been married before.

They may have baby mama drama or an ex-wife from hell that makes them think twice before getting serious with someone new.

And as for you, if you’re divorced, you know how hard that was from an emotional — not to mention legal — standpoint. There’s no reason why you should rush into anything either.

So take your time.

That being said…if he’s absolutely avoiding that big conversation despite you trying to have it over and over again, your jerk alert radar should go up. Some men will coast along with a woman as long as they can until she starts asking them to emotionally show up in the relationship.

He may have it good. You cook for him. He gets to have sex with you. He has someone to listen to his gripes.

He’s not dumb. He knows a good thing when he has it.

But if he’s emotionally unavailable, he may not be able to give what you need in return. That, my Sexy Confident Lady, is when you bail.

Because you deserve better. And will get it.

Have you ever been in a situation when a guy told you he didn’t know what he wanted, but then it ultimately worked out? Share your inspirational stories below!

 

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Danielle Hutchins
6 years ago

WOW – thanks for not moving onto number two until point number one was reiterated…..saving to favorites to watch Daily – thanks Adam!

Amy
6 years ago

So I’ve been “dating” my best friend from High School. We hadn’t seen each other in over 20 years and reconnected this summer. We’ve spent an enormous amount of time together. But here’s the catch. He’s at the beginning of a divorce (as in papers should be signed by the end of the month), is in recovery from alcohol (nearing end of first year), and is only recently returning back to work after being out for over a year due to injuries from a very bad car accident. But the other snag is he keeps saying he’s conflicted because he… Read more »

Graycie Overman
6 years ago
Reply to  Amy

Please don’t get upset about this reply I’m about to send you. Girl by now if he wanted to be with you then he would have done that by now. It sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants and he’s just dragging you a long because he feels comfortable with you and y’all have been friends for so long. I would walk away and see if that changes his mind and he might come running after you.

5 years ago
Reply to  Amy

I am so glad i read this omg the similarities. I hooked up with my middle school crush that i was head over heels for since 7th grade he’s been divorced 5 mos. He contacted me on fb we went out twice had amazing sex on the 2nd date. I mean everything wss great. We made plans 3 more times he stood me up out of frustration i said i only want something physical now which he agreed to but when i can’t move on his time he’s pouting. I want him mostly sexually because I’m not sure I want… Read more »

Graycie Overman
6 years ago

So mine is an interesting story……. Met this guy in early August in Raleigh NC when I was visiting some friends. I live in Charlotte NC but was in town for the weekend. Him and I hit it off great. He told me he was moving to Charlotte in a month because that’s where he is from, his family lives there and he’s ready to move back and settle down with someone. Which made me sooo excited because I felt like this guy and I were on the same page about everything. We both haven’t been in a relationship with… Read more »

Stephanie Lambert
6 years ago

I have been friends with a guy 13 years younger than me. We dated off and on. At the beginning I wasn’t into it because I knew when he got older he would want younger,sexier,etc he kept after me,took care of me_in hard times”we lived together off and on for YEARS .Finally I was ready to settle and had fallen I love,but by that time he WAS ready to explore . but lied through it all. I caught him many times,he always lied,I went through depression, fought to stay and make things work .every time I left he wanted me… Read more »

Bri
5 years ago

You’re too old for him. Move on

Margaret
6 years ago

Adam I’m not sure I understand why it’s always the woman who has to work with a mans timeline and never the other way around. Why is this? Why does a female have to constantly ensure his ego is in place but he has no issue not reciprocating the behaviour?
I’m over having to constantly fit into their schedule.

Erika
5 years ago
Reply to  Margaret

THIS!

Kristine
4 years ago
Reply to  Erika

thank you for pointing that out!

5 years ago
Reply to  Margaret

Hi Margaret, It’s crazy how I used to think that same way, but remember the man is the leader (it’s in his nature to take his time to observe, that is a VERY smart man!). You want him to take the lead in the relationship but you also know what you want – but within 3 -4 months how do you even know this man is the one? You have to get to know them, take it slow…….. Men work differently than us women, and plus it should just flow… if within the year he isn’t committed than maybe you… Read more »

lana
6 years ago

I’ve been dating a guy for almost 7 months. I’ve met his kids hangout as a family, do family stuff. he gives me mixed signals, but insist that were just seeing where it goes.
What about those types?

Aria
6 years ago

He says he is getting back with his ex. This woman cheated with his brother, made a sex tape with another guy, and WAS cheating on him like A WEEK AGO!!!! I’m pretty pissed because during all this I was there. When he needed to vent I was there, to hang out ARIA WAS THERE. Now that I FINALLY felt like I could give him my all (we had sex before but I was unsure of what it was I was holding back A LOT) he texts me that he is giving her ONE more chance maybe it lasts a… Read more »

6 years ago

Hi so I have just got back he touch with a guy who happens to be my first boyfriend back in school everything seem to be going very well we text constantly we meet when he can as he is a chef We talk about having sex all the time but never actually done anything about it phone each other But he is saying everything is moving to fast so we need to slow down which is fine for me But my problem is if he wants everything a relationship brings but doesn’t want the relationship title what does he… Read more »

Jenny
5 years ago

I’ve been seeing a guy for almost 6 months now and he on and off acts like we are in a relationship. We started this with both of us not really wanting a commitment but the way he has been acting and the way I have been feeling I want that commitment now. This morning I asked him if he wanted to have a relationship with me and he said that he ” honestly doesn’t have an answer to that” and that “we do get a long well and have a good time because we have so much in common”… Read more »

5 years ago

I feel it’s rare that the, “I don’t know what I want” results in anything good. Thing is, it’s a lot simpler than that. When 2 people are at the same place of feeling each other, rare is the man who “cares too much” going to risk losing you by declaring such a thing. Because it’s usually not done in a friendly tone. They’re either annoyed by having to even say it, or they’re not feeling you and hate having to say anything at all. A man will not risk losing someone awesome by making her question herself while he’s… Read more »

Anise
5 years ago
Reply to  Brandy Sons

Love this. Really helped me. I know this but always choose to go down the road and doubt the truth. Always choose to believe the twisted lies or the half asses answers because I am in love. I have to be stronger

Valerie
5 years ago
Reply to  Brandy Sons

I love it!!!!!! You don’t know how much this just helped me. THANKS!!!!!! ❤️

Lisa
5 years ago
Reply to  Brandy Sons

Exactly!!!

Lisa Widen
5 years ago
Reply to  Brandy Sons

Exactly!!!

Kimberly
5 years ago

Hi! I enjoyed reading your article. But I need some advice. Similar to this situation, except that it is with my ex boyfriend. We’ve been together for 7 years, went through No Contact for 4 months. And on the 5th month of our break up. He messages me and wants to meet up. We meet up on our first date after the break up. And with a few drinks, decided to bring it back to his place. Probably old habits die hard? Anyway I realize that he still wasn’t ready and didn’t know what he wanted still, but he knows… Read more »

JJ
5 years ago
Reply to  Kimberly

I have been dating this guy for almost two years. But I think he isn’t sure of what he wants. He doesn’t like talking about the future. He has told me severally that he can’t marry me and then told me he wasn’t ready. I don’t know what to do.

Abby
5 years ago

Okay so I’ve been with this guy for almost 2 years and he says that he is under a lot of stress with work right now and he is living with his mom and working on getting his own place just recently I noticed he hasn’t been messaging me or calling me in the morning when he gets off work before he goes too sleep like he usually does . So I called him and asked him what the deal was he told me he just wanted too let me sleep and I said I know that’s not the case… Read more »

Abby
5 years ago

We’ve also been fighting alot before all this !

Alexandra
5 years ago

For women who might need a little power positivity , this is for you – I have been in your shoes – Wake up ladies! Stop giving space, and excuses for guys who would drag you along for months or even years with “maybe-ish”. It’s simple: when two people meet and love is there, you’ll know it. You won’t have to keep second guessing, wonder, torment yourself with “what if” , “maybe I should do this ” , ” maybe I should’ve said that” ! You are just a convenience for them and that’s that. It should not take longer… Read more »

Ralph is
5 years ago

Feeling emotionally exhausted now. He told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too. We have been dating for 3 mos, almost 4 mos. I brought up the relationship status convo and he said he wasn’t sure and that he felt like I have been trying to rush things since the very beginning and he isn’t comfortable with my dating pace. That comment was such bullshit because he has been an equal participant in moving things forward because he told me he loved me first and he has been in daily communication with me and he… Read more »

Kara
3 years ago

I have been with my guy for 6 years. He will never spend the night at my house nor let me at his house. He has told me he doesn’t know what he wants. Soooo I got him a therapist that he has been seeing for the last 1 1/2. He told me recently that he does not ever want to live together or get married. I told him I cannot do that. Recently he lashed out at me and told me I have never stopped talking for 6 years and that I make him feel terrible and broken everyday… Read more »

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