Emotional Attachment: 5 Reasons Why You Fall Too Soon
Delia, I love Mike! He’s the best thing to ever happen to me.
Um…Janice, can I just point out that you’ve only been dating a week?
If you can relate to Janice’s jumping into a new relationship with both feet quickly…
If you feel like every guy you date just might be “the one” after just one or two dates…
If you ignore all the red flags that tell you this destructive pattern is one you need to break…
This video and article are for you.
Look, don’t get me wrong. Falling in love is a beautiful thing…when it happens on both sides of a couple. But if you see that your emotional attachment to men is the cause of many of your relationship problems, and if you’re left brokenhearted over and over again, then it’s time to do something different.
Understanding the destructive patterns in your love life is the only way to break them.
Trust me. I’ve seen so many women struggling to keep a man in their lives — whether or not he was right for them — and more often than not, it’s due to one of the five things I discuss in the video.
Let me know if any of these resonates with you by posting in the comments below.
It can be frustrating if you frequently feel like you’re falling in love with a new guy, and then he doesn’t feel the same, or the relationship otherwise goes downhill. You wonder why it’s so easy for you to give your heart up to guys who don’t appreciate the fact…and why you keep falling for the wrong guy.
Not every woman is like this. Can you look back at your past several relationships and see a pattern of you falling hard for a guy in just a matter of weeks?
If so, you might have the habit of getting attached too soon.
The problem with emotional attachment is that it is not love. It looks a lot like love: you get all gaga when you look at him. You miss him. You want to spend all your time with him.
But the difference between love and emotional attachment is that you may have an unhealthy neediness that makes you feel connected to this guy. You may panic if he doesn’t answer your text right away. You might demand that he spend more time on you.
This is not love.
Love is not selfish. It does not demand.
Love is about balance. It happens when two people want (note I didn’t say need) each other, but can stand independently of one another. People in love want to give to one another, not take.
Now that we’ve cleared up why emotional attachment early in a relationship isn’t a good thing, let’s look at some of the reasons why you might fall hard for a man too soon.
1. You’ve Dealt with Abandonment in your Childhood
Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean you were left alone in a cardboard box as a child.
You may have had a parent who wasn’t there when you needed them. Maybe they missed that soccer game where you scored the winning goal or your high school graduation, and you’ve harbored some resentment toward your parents ever since.
Maybe the abandonment was more serious.
Either way, it’s continued to affect you in your adult relationships.
If you dealt with abandonment during your childhood, you’re going to have more of a tendency to pull people towards you quickly and be fearful of letting them go. You may even seek men with whom abandonment feels natural… even if you don’t know you’re doing it.
You’ll subconsciously attract men who don’t give themselves fully, you’ll seek their approval, become dependent on it, and begin to feed off of it.
These men are not relationship material, I’m sorry to say. They’re emotional vampires.
They may leave you, either because they’ve gotten their fill of your neediness (some people find it gives them a sense of control) or because they’re overwhelmed with it.
So where does that leave you? Alone for life?
Not at all. But I’m going to be real with you:
You need to realize that you’re no longer a helpless child. You’re an adult who can make decisions for herself. Whatever happened in the past doesn’t mean it will happen in the future.
You can — and should — open your heart to a man that wants to be with you completely, who is willing to open up and give himself to you.
You don’t need to cajole or trick him into loving you. You don’t even have to rush into it.
Love can take time. Even a few months into a relationship, you can’t really know another person well. Take your time in the process. Falling in love is a beautiful thing, so if it’s going to happen, enjoy the (slow) ride.
2. You Get Distracted by “Shiny” Male Qualities
Ooh, he owns a red Ferrari!
Damn, he is the hottest guy I’ve ever dated.
It’s easy to get distracted by a guy’s superficial features, but be wary of those features convincing you that you’re in love. Typically, this stuff is only skin-deep, and we know better than to judge by external features…don’t we??
(Though, ladies, you’re not proving me wrong about this superficial stuff; recent research shows that women still prefer men with “muscles and money.” C’mon, gals! Give the rest of us a chance!)
Many women find that emotional attachment happening when the guy looks great on paper. Financially stable, owns a couple of restaurants, has all his hair…what’s not to love?
(This list may not include his sharp temper, bad breath, or miserliness.)But realize that none of these qualities are of substance and love-worthy. Also realize that sometimes, the very thing you were attracted to in the beginning is what makes the relationship difficult later on.
So in the Ferrari-driving, restaurant-owning example, you might think this guy is hot shit. Your friends even love him.
But as the relationship progresses, you don’t spend much time together because he’s hyper ambitious and works constantly. While him being a restaurateur was sexy at first, it’s causing you to go into a rage every time he’s late for a date.
My point is: the next time you meet a guy and find yourself drawn to his shiny attributes, take a step back. Get to know him beyond the superficial, and then determine whether or not he’s worth your time. If he didn’t have that car or success, would you still be attracted to him? That’s the real test.
3. You Don’t Take Responsibility for Your Own Happiness
Here’s another situation that is far more common than I wish it was.
So many ladies are unsure of how to take care of themselves emotionally, and so they desperately attach to the first man who pays them a little attention.
Does this describe you?
Do you constantly seek approval and happiness from others?
Do you feel incomplete when you’re not in a relationship, and spent your time miserable, wishing for a boyfriend?
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Do you let someone else define your happiness?
Okay, put down your phone and really focus on what I’m about to tell you.
No one is responsible for your happiness but you.
And you 100% are in control of it.
If you don’t like the situation, change the channel. Own your happiness.
If you’re with a guy that you like, but find yourself trying to convince yourself that he’s The One, stop it.
You will never, ever have to convince yourself of the actual One. He will stand out like a bright beacon of light.
When you give up your right to your own happiness, you give up control of your life.
This vicious cycle will cause you to be even more emotionally attached to one person (not in love), and put a major strain on your relationship, ultimately causing its demise.
So realize the power you hold, Sexy Lady. You determine your happiness. If this guy brings you delight, great. Get to know him and let love happen, if it’s going to.
4. You Follow Feelings, Not Logic in Your Emotional Attachment
Ted hasn’t texted you back all day. You’re fuming.
How dare he? Clearly he’s got more important things to do than talk to you, and…whatever.
You shoot off something embarrassingly overreactive…only for him to reply that his phone died and he’d desperately been looking for a charger at work so he could let you know.
By basing your decisions on emotion, rather than logic, you become reactive.
Reading the example above, I’m sure you can come up with better ways to deal with the situation.
You could have texted: Hey, how are you? Haven’t heard from you in a while. Hope your day’s going well.
Or you could busy yourself so that you get out of your own head, assuming the worst, so that when he does text, you aren’t a bundle of nerves.
In a healthy relationship, you will have emotional responses to things. That’s natural.
But when you completely lock up your Logical Liz in favor of Emotional Edie, that’s when you have problems.
When it comes to emotional attachment, you don’t manage your own emotions well. You let that boy-crazy 13-year-old out (even if you’re dating in your 40s) and let her run the show.
But know this: you can have total control over your emotions. Look logically at your budding relationship. Does he treat you well? Does he seem to feel as warm and gushy about you as you do him? Can you see a future together?
Or are you ignoring big warning signs, like the fact that he’s married/smokes 6 packs a day/still lives with his mom? If there are things you think, Well, we can work through that (or in Scarlett O’Hara-speak: Tomorrow is another day) then probably that’s your Logic Liz trying to come up for air to get your attention.
Listen to her.
Start paying attention to what your gut tells you. It’s almost always right. And before you react to a situation, take a few breaths and find a more calm approach that won’t end up in you burning bridges.
5. You Think Single = Unhappy
Ohh, I hate that so many women believe that if they’re single, they’re incomplete or unhappy. There are so many reasons to be content as a single person.
-Your time is your own; no doing stupid things you hate, like watching football.
-Your house is clean. No dirty socks on the floor (unless you put them there).
-You’re free for happy hour with the girls.
And yet so many women find themselves getting emotionally attached too soon in relationships because they so desperately want to not be single, and so they convince themselves that this guy is one to fall for.
(The good news is that, in Britain, at least, 61% of single ladies are happy with their relationship status.)
And here’s the funny trick about being single: the moment that you become happy with your single life is the very moment a guy will come in and sweep you off your feet.
It’s counterintuitive…or is it?
I think that once you accept that you can be happy without relying on a man, when you can live your life under your terms, then that’s why that guy will find you. He’s going to be attracted to a strong and emotionally healthy lady.
And wouldn’t you want to find him when you’re feeling whole and strong? When he can add value to your life without you feeling like you need to cling to him to be satisfied?
You can and should be happy when you’re single. It just takes a little bit of work every day. It can be something as simple as journaling about how you’re feeling (and sure, some days you’ll be down or lonely, and that’s okay).
Or getting out of the house.
Making new friends or taking on new hobbies.
And don’t feel like you’ll never, ever find that guy. That’s another reason why women often develop premature emotional attachment. They assume they won’t find that magical love, so they try to force it.
But you know better, don’t you?
Depending on how you look at the concept of love, you could see it like this: there’s one great love out there waiting for you.
That guy you divorced last year after 15 years of marriage?
He wasn’t it.
Just because you put in the time with him doesn’t make him your soulmate.
But that next guy? The one with the flaws that you overlook because you so want him to be right for you?
He’s not either.
I know. Patience sucks. But you have to trust me that there is a right guy out there for you. He will find you. You will not force any man into being the one.
If you’re wondering why you fall in love more than any of your friends, and why so few guys seem to reciprocate your feelings, it’s time to consider whether or not you have an unhealthy emotional attachment to men.
Hey, you could even blame your zodiac sign as being the cause of your attachment issues.
Don’t worry. This isn’t irreversible.
The first step to changing the situation is to acknowledge as soon as you have feelings that might be out of proportion to the amount of time you’ve spent with a man.
Just note them. Certainly don’t act on them.
As you spend more time with him, ask yourself: is this love? When you look at him, do you feel love? Or are there things you try to ignore that would otherwise tell you that this isn’t the one?
If so, start listening to your instinct. It wants the best for you.
Set your standards high. Love, when it’s real, feels right.