Emotional Attachment: 5 Reasons Why You Fall Too Soon
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Delia, I love Mike! He’s the best thing to ever happen to me.
Um…Janice, can I just point out that you’ve only been dating a week?
If you can relate to Janice’s jumping into a new relationship with both feet quickly…
If you feel like every guy you date just might be “the one” after just one or two dates…
If you ignore all the red flags that tell you this destructive pattern is one you need to break…
This video and article are for you.
Look, don’t get me wrong. Falling in love is a beautiful thing…when it happens on both sides of a couple. But if you see that your emotional attachment to men is the cause of many of your relationship problems, and if you’re left brokenhearted over and over again, then it’s time to do something different.
Understanding the destructive patterns in your love life is the only way to break them.
Trust me. I’ve seen so many women struggling to keep a man in their lives — whether or not he was right for them — and more often than not, it’s due to one of the five things I discuss in the video.
Let me know if any of these resonates with you by posting in the comments below.
It can be frustrating if you frequently feel like you’re falling in love with a new guy, and then he doesn’t feel the same, or the relationship otherwise goes downhill. You wonder why it’s so easy for you to give your heart up to guys who don’t appreciate the fact…and why you keep falling for the wrong guy.
Not every woman is like this. Can you look back at your past several relationships and see a pattern of you falling hard for a guy in just a matter of weeks?
If so, you might have the habit of getting attached too soon.
Editor’s note: Ready to attract love with a proven strategy? Watch this free video to learn the 7 powerful steps
The problem with emotional attachment is that it is not love. It looks a lot like love: you get all gaga when you look at him. You miss him. You want to spend all your time with him.
But the difference between love and emotional attachment is that you may have an unhealthy neediness that makes you feel connected to this guy. You may panic if he doesn’t answer your text right away. You might demand that he spend more time on you.
This is not love.
Love is not selfish. It does not demand.
Love is about balance. It happens when two people want (note I didn’t say need) each other, but can stand independently of one another. People in love want to give to one another, not take.
Now that we’ve cleared up why emotional attachment early in a relationship isn’t a good thing, let’s look at some of the reasons why you might fall hard for a man too soon.
1. You’ve Dealt with Abandonment in your Childhood
Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean you were left alone in a cardboard box as a child.
You may have had a parent who wasn’t there when you needed them. Maybe they missed that soccer game where you scored the winning goal or your high school graduation, and you’ve harbored some resentment toward your parents ever since.
Maybe the abandonment was more serious.
Either way, it’s continued to affect you in your adult relationships.
If you dealt with abandonment during your childhood, you’re going to have more of a tendency to pull people towards you quickly and be fearful of letting them go. You may even seek men with whom abandonment feels natural… even if you don’t know you’re doing it.
You’ll subconsciously attract men who don’t give themselves fully, you’ll seek their approval, become dependent on it, and begin to feed off of it.
These men are not relationship material, I’m sorry to say. They’re emotional vampires.
They may leave you, either because they’ve gotten their fill of your neediness (some people find it gives them a sense of control) or because they’re overwhelmed with it.
So where does that leave you? Alone for life?
Not at all. But I’m going to be real with you:
You need to realize that you’re no longer a helpless child. You’re an adult who can make decisions for herself. Whatever happened in the past doesn’t mean it will happen in the future.
You can — and should — open your heart to a man that wants to be with you completely, who is willing to open up and give himself to you.
You don’t need to cajole or trick him into loving you. You don’t even have to rush into it.
Love can take time. Even a few months into a relationship, you can’t really know another person well. Take your time in the process. Falling in love is a beautiful thing, so if it’s going to happen, enjoy the (slow) ride.
2. You Get Distracted by “Shiny” Male Qualities
Ooh, he owns a red Ferrari!
Damn, he is the hottest guy I’ve ever dated.
It’s easy to get distracted by a guy’s superficial features, but be wary of those features convincing you that you’re in love. Typically, this stuff is only skin-deep, and we know better than to judge by external features…don’t we??
(Though, ladies, you’re not proving me wrong about this superficial stuff; recent research shows that women still prefer men with “muscles and money.” C’mon, gals! Give the rest of us a chance!)
Many women find that emotional attachment happening when the guy looks great on paper. Financially stable, owns a couple of restaurants, has all his hair…what’s not to love?
(This list may not include his sharp temper, bad breath, or miserliness.)But realize that none of these qualities are of substance and love-worthy. Also realize that sometimes, the very thing you were attracted to in the beginning is what makes the relationship difficult later on.
So in the Ferrari-driving, restaurant-owning example, you might think this guy is hot shit. Your friends even love him.
But as the relationship progresses, you don’t spend much time together because he’s hyper ambitious and works constantly. While him being a restaurateur was sexy at first, it’s causing you to go into a rage every time he’s late for a date.
My point is: the next time you meet a guy and find yourself drawn to his shiny attributes, take a step back. Get to know him beyond the superficial, and then determine whether or not he’s worth your time. If he didn’t have that car or success, would you still be attracted to him? That’s the real test.
3. You Don’t Take Responsibility for Your Own Happiness
Here’s another situation that is far more common than I wish it was.
So many ladies are unsure of how to take care of themselves emotionally, and so they desperately attach to the first man who pays them a little attention.
Does this describe you?
Do you constantly seek approval and happiness from others?
Do you feel incomplete when you’re not in a relationship, and spent your time miserable, wishing for a boyfriend?
Do you let someone else define your happiness?
Okay, put down your phone and really focus on what I’m about to tell you.
No one is responsible for your happiness but you.
And you 100% are in control of it.
If you don’t like the situation, change the channel. Own your happiness.
If you’re with a guy that you like, but find yourself trying to convince yourself that he’s The One, stop it.
You will never, ever have to convince yourself of the actual One. He will stand out like a bright beacon of light.
When you give up your right to your own happiness, you give up control of your life.
This vicious cycle will cause you to be even more emotionally attached to one person (not in love), and put a major strain on your relationship, ultimately causing its demise.
So realize the power you hold, Sexy Lady. You determine your happiness. If this guy brings you delight, great. Get to know him and let love happen, if it’s going to.
4. You Follow Feelings, Not Logic in Your Emotional Attachment
Ted hasn’t texted you back all day. You’re fuming.
How dare he? Clearly he’s got more important things to do than talk to you, and…whatever.
You shoot off something embarrassingly overreactive…only for him to reply that his phone died and he’d desperately been looking for a charger at work so he could let you know.
By basing your decisions on emotion, rather than logic, you become reactive.
Reading the example above, I’m sure you can come up with better ways to deal with the situation.
You could have texted: Hey, how are you? Haven’t heard from you in a while. Hope your day’s going well.
Or you could busy yourself so that you get out of your own head, assuming the worst, so that when he does text, you aren’t a bundle of nerves.
In a healthy relationship, you will have emotional responses to things. That’s natural.
But when you completely lock up your Logical Liz in favor of Emotional Edie, that’s when you have problems.
When it comes to emotional attachment, you don’t manage your own emotions well. You let that boy-crazy 13-year-old out (even if you’re dating in your 40s) and let her run the show.
But know this: you can have total control over your emotions. Look logically at your budding relationship. Does he treat you well? Does he seem to feel as warm and gushy about you as you do him? Can you see a future together?
Or are you ignoring big warning signs, like the fact that he’s married/smokes 6 packs a day/still lives with his mom? If there are things you think, Well, we can work through that (or in Scarlett O’Hara-speak: Tomorrow is another day) then probably that’s your Logic Liz trying to come up for air to get your attention.
Listen to her.
Start paying attention to what your gut tells you. It’s almost always right. And before you react to a situation, take a few breaths and find a more calm approach that won’t end up in you burning bridges.
5. You Think Single = Unhappy
Ohh, I hate that so many women believe that if they’re single, they’re incomplete or unhappy. There are so many reasons to be content as a single person.
-Your time is your own; no doing stupid things you hate, like watching football.
-Your house is clean. No dirty socks on the floor (unless you put them there).
-You’re free for happy hour with the girls.
And yet so many women find themselves getting emotionally attached too soon in relationships because they so desperately want to not be single, and so they convince themselves that this guy is one to fall for.
(The good news is that, in Britain, at least, 61% of single ladies are happy with their relationship status.)
And here’s the funny trick about being single: the moment that you become happy with your single life is the very moment a guy will come in and sweep you off your feet.
It’s counterintuitive…or is it?
I think that once you accept that you can be happy without relying on a man, when you can live your life under your terms, then that’s why that guy will find you. He’s going to be attracted to a strong and emotionally healthy lady.
And wouldn’t you want to find him when you’re feeling whole and strong? When he can add value to your life without you feeling like you need to cling to him to be satisfied?
You can and should be happy when you’re single. It just takes a little bit of work every day. It can be something as simple as journaling about how you’re feeling (and sure, some days you’ll be down or lonely, and that’s okay).
Or getting out of the house.
Making new friends or taking on new hobbies.
And don’t feel like you’ll never, ever find that guy. That’s another reason why women often develop premature emotional attachment. They assume they won’t find that magical love, so they try to force it.
But you know better, don’t you?
Depending on how you look at the concept of love, you could see it like this: there’s one great love out there waiting for you.
That guy you divorced last year after 15 years of marriage?
He wasn’t it.
Just because you put in the time with him doesn’t make him your soulmate.
But that next guy? The one with the flaws that you overlook because you so want him to be right for you?
He’s not either.
I know. Patience sucks. But you have to trust me that there is a right guy out there for you. He will find you. You will not force any man into being the one.
If you’re wondering why you fall in love more than any of your friends, and why so few guys seem to reciprocate your feelings, it’s time to consider whether or not you have an unhealthy emotional attachment to men.
Hey, you could even blame your zodiac sign as being the cause of your attachment issues.
Don’t worry. This isn’t irreversible.
The first step to changing the situation is to acknowledge as soon as you have feelings that might be out of proportion to the amount of time you’ve spent with a man.
Just note them. Certainly don’t act on them.
As you spend more time with him, ask yourself: is this love? When you look at him, do you feel love? Or are there things you try to ignore that would otherwise tell you that this isn’t the one?
If so, start listening to your instinct. It wants the best for you.
Set your standards high. Love, when it’s real, feels right.
I’m all 5
I have to see this video over and over again. Wow!
Thank you Adam
Like this one to answer you question my is #1
5 Good tips
`number one was more me now however when younger `i was good at not getting attached however probably avoided guys that i would get attached too.
Yeah I have exactly the same issue as Kate mentions below. No expectations at first. And to be honest I am not attracted by shiny qualities like money, muscles or cars. But some physical attraction combined with intelligence, witty and sense of humor, and I’m so into him that….. Also compared with previous experiences when I meet guys like these, I think I know what I look for in a man… But then yes I get so excited thst in their eyes it seems I’m needy (not necessarily the case). But obviously I need to hold on my excitement and… Read more »
Thank you!!!! Claiming all 5 and it feels amazing to be honest with myself
Ahhhhhhh! Shiny male qualities! Sometimes I go into a date with zero expectations or really even thinking anything beyond a duty date when bam! I suddenly find myself attracted to their personality. Usually high intelligence, high self esteem, they make me laugh or something and I get sucked in…then of course there is the emotions as opposed to the logic. I have gotten better over my year and a half of being single but it is still a work in progress. When I get attracted, all my logic goes out the window. I want to have more discernment.
It sounds like you’ve made some great improvements. Stick with Sexy Confidence and I’ll help you get there 🙂
Hi Adam, I have struggled so hard, basically my whole life with the abandonment issues, and have been in relationship after relationship that I dealt with abuse. My last relationship has been for 3 years. Someone I have loved in a a way I’ve never experienced. We habe a connection that has been so strong, but it has been very toxic for me. He has done so much leaving and coming back that I can’t even count anymore. It was to the point that when he’d come over and stay, I’d never know when I’d see him again when he… Read more »
Cynthia, you are definitely a love addict. This man too. You are not in love neither is he. You are both addicted to each other. I was in such a relationship. But I was the one who did the leaving. In one year I left my ex more than 12 times. He took me back. When together it was great. But I left. I mistook what i felt for him as love. There’s a high he was feeding off of me and so was he. Both of us are “abandoned children”. One of our primary caregivers ( father) walked out… Read more »
I am the same way!!! O.m.g!
Thx Adam. i believe in point #5 truly. It happened exactly that. The only prob is when the guy led you on and werent being honest right from the start then made you feel bad about it 🙁
Wow,wow Adam… your views are so on point! Really enjoy watching… keep em coming… such charisma and love your energy!
You’re very welcome 🙂
THANKS Adam for such precise and quite accurate piece of advice…..frankly speaking I am SUPER DUPER happy being single its just the “pressure” from my parents and my brothers that KINDA forces me to BE in a relationship…..and I personally DO NOT believe in “forced relationships” simply because its not really a relationship to begin with lol! Also I am quite free-spirited and super independent BUT I do “depend” on SOME things which I cannot do on my own…..I personally think If a female is TOO independent its actually not good for her, because I know for a fact that… Read more »
Wow, number 1 and 5, hit home for me! I clicked to see if your program will still open but it shut down last night. Great insight here!! I am a work in progress but I would love to dive deeper. Any suggestions because I am looking to make 2017 a solid year in the love department?! Or a least a better year for love. Thanks!
You are spot on with this. Always look forward to your videos!
Keep them coming.
Wow Adam, this is such an excellent video – great tips that are solid and helpful! Thank you so much for your great insights – spot on with all 5 🙂
Just one word is enough to describe my reaction after watching this film and reading the summary…WOW! I am so enlightened now. My biggest problem is the fact I am very impulsive, and my emotions take control over everything I do. I either jump too quickly into relationship with a freshly met guy, or I am distant and cynical. In fact, it has been more than 2 years I haven´t connected with any man on a deeper level. The guys I have met since my last long term relationship ended were either typical bad boys; treating me horribly,ignoring me and… Read more »
I meet the guy I like a lot and we been talking on everything, and one day he just not Respond my text, I don’t know what happens, how can I find out, I very like him can you help me on this?
I am all five, but especially number 1. Not sure how to ever let that go, when it is subconcious.
Well wow love this one I would have to say number one is my problem
I have never dating some one outside my cultural before. But i finally fall into one. We have been know each other for two months and we start dating. The day he ask me being his gf is on the eight of the month. But he say it was on twenty eight of the month. I am confuse by his poor memories. Later on , it turn out we have met to the 90 days dating rule. He finally text me and saying that we move too fast in our relationship. Which is doesn’t make sense. I get to see… Read more »
Wow, I just went through a relationship exactly like this – all five points over a one month period. Did I ever learn a lesson! Wish I had this video back a month ago. Question: why does a guy need time to respond to you and never by phone or in person?
Yeah, good question. I always had to ask my friend to call me. Why can’t you call sometimes, because my text messages or emails came across too strongly. Then he got mad, so I had to explain.
Wow! I recently realized #1 has been playing a huge part in my life. My jaw dropped ND zip listened to this again. I have some of the others too. I have been working on me and trying not to lead with emotions. It makes since why some relationships have failed.
Hi Adam. I definitely am guilty of number one and number three. I have dealt with the abandonment issues and I tend to get distracted easily of shiny objects! I am starting to realize that I have to take responsibility for my own self and wipe the slate clean. And just Forget the past. I just tell myself it didn’t even happen that way I have a clean slate.
OMG Stay out of my head why don’t you!! I struggle with all of these. I just recently found out why I have these needs. Through therapy no less. I do all of that, and that’s part of the reason men say I’m crazy. However, I have been reading your book and watching your videos and learning to love ME and knowing my own self worth. Going back to school fo rmy masters. The guy who I have been seeing for over a year whose been kind of pulling away and trying to find himself and get his head right.… Read more »
Number 1 . Everything else I have a handle on . But number 1 still takes over and I’m “too” nice I definitely lead with my heart. However, I do struggle with me just being me and… I’m Nice naturally.
Love your videos!
Hi Adam!!! Guilty on ALL counts…but you know what, I am working on myself . With help of your videos, I am making definite progress and am getting there.
Thanks for your tips and invaluable videos.
Hi Adam , yes I do have abandonment issues, never really thought of it that way. I was married for twelve years with him for 16 yrs got divorced. Only to find out a year later that he was in the closet. After that I was in another long term relationship for 16 years. So I have been in the dating seen now for a little over two years. It hasn’t been easy I can tell you that. I’m 52 years old I have seen the same guy for the last three weeks but very confusing
I think all of them have been me.. too embarrassingly on point
OMG! Adam you hit it right on!!! On point #5 , it took me a very long time to be happy being single. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the meantime, and it is a good feeling!!
Thank you for the guidance in the right direction for my next relationship!!!
Number 5…I’m working on it already. I’m working on upping my social score. Thanks for the guidance!
Most of them actually
#1 and a bit of #2. But in both cases, like someone said, when I get attracted/fall for the guy, all my logic goes out of the window” I stop being myself. I lose myself. The worst part is that I KNOW THAT what I’m doing is bad for me = (
I do this, get attached way too quickly, but I’m not sure exactly which one is my issue. I’m currently really interested in a guy I went to school with and grew up with. I had a huge crush on him all through school and recently found out he did for me as well.
Adam this is one of your best videos!
You’re presentation is spot on.
#5 is mine.
I sleep better beside a mate. I’m just physiologically better that way.
I’m ok single, but more alive with a mate.
Thank you, Adam. #1 and #5 resonate for me. Although happy to say in the last 9 months I’ve done a lot of soul searching and gotten deeper into my faith and so #5 is not as much an issue anymore. I truly believe everything I need I have within myself. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t want that great last love in my life. I thank you for this, look forward to following you and thank you for having a video that tells the message and isn’t cryptic in nature and halfway through looking for a ridiculously priced subscription.… Read more »
This is by far your best video yet! I’m embarrassed to say I am struggling with all 5, but have recently recognized them all through therapy, your books & videos. In a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man (again), and working hard on myself to make this work (or happily, proudly walk away). Your work is fantastic, and you are so appreciated!
Wow all of these apply to me !! God help me… love your videos thanks for helping me open my eyes.
I struggle with every single one of the, this brought tears to my eyes.
#1 and #5. 48 years old and got out of a one sided relationship. Not very social and frankly dont know where to start. Ready for change.
All I can say isbIbsaw myself in all of those examples. However, I believe the most difficult is being comfortable with being single. I’m 48 years old and feel I will lose what it takes to find my mister right.
Would you happen to have any advice (besides bolting) on how to deal with a man that can’t control his emotions? Screaming and yelling at the tiniest of issues and he can never take any blame. I usually sit calmly while this is going on trying very hard to be rational and logical. When I do say something rational and logical it’s like his head is about to blow off.
RUN! If you don’t then you’re going to eventually be drug down into the way he acts. I spent ten years with a man like that, the first three years I did exactly what you’re saying you did… Listened to his raging, never got nasty back, until one day he started doing it in front of his family. I fought back that day, and from there it just escalated. Run as fast and as far as possible away from the qualities that you don’t like, the more you surround yourself with them, the easier it is to allow yourself to… Read more »
Bam! Point 1: Deep seated emotional abandonment issues.
Thankfully with a’lot of effort, I’ve done of good job of self healing.
But I’m too happy single; I’m not sure how I will give myself away to someone when learned how to become so self sufficient and happy on my own.
I’m guilty of all 5. It’s like a cycle. After each disappointment or breakup, it may take me a while but I eventually end up being very happy being single. I have good family and friends, a good job and live a happy life. But then I’ll meet someone new and the other 4 things start to happen all over again. I don’t know how to break that pattern. Uhg!
This video really spoke to me. The doctoral education and great job were the shiny objects but along with that came someone who wasn’t emotionally aware and didn’t have the communication skills needed to make it work. My abandonment from my exhusband is an issue that I hope to get through. Thanks for your wisdom.
I know that I have a great fear of abandonment. I got into all five e act and I struggle always. I am constantly pushing men away and I know I am doing it. It makes me so sad.
Thanks Adam. This was really helpful. I realized I still have to work on myself a lot more and a lot of this started from not having a father figure and I have sought approval constantly. I do have a fear of abandonment and have insecurities. I know I can get through this but thank you for this video it was an eye opener.
Adam Oh wow!!! I am so embarrassed that I am 56 yo and I have been married 4 times.,,, yes 4, I have not dated in 5 years and I have been happy and content except I missed the intimacy of being in a relationship. I just signed up on a Online dating site. The first man that I was attracted to and I mean drawn to lived close to me and I started dating him and here we go…. I get scared and push him away and he keeps pursuing and before you know it I am totally lost.… Read more »
Honestly, one of the best videos you’ve ever done, Adam! So much truth here and so often we as women, don’t want to see or accept this about ourselves. Thank you for kindly and gently bringing these things to the forefront. Love all your posts!!
The abandonment hits home. All well most adopted people have major abandonment issues. We were abandoned early in life by our parents. Makes us judgmental, fearful, afraid the person that does love is will do the same thing. I was recently dumped after being treated like major cheap for a month and a half. The worse he treated me the more I was froze heart broken and could not give up on him. Now I am getting my life in order, I find I am loving myself more, Standing my ground, and refusing things I do not want to do.… Read more »
Fantastic article!! Being happy single when everyone around me is moving on in there life I feel like I am sitting idle!!
i all pretty much all of them that you talked about thank you that gives me something to think bout.
For me three and four have always been an issue for me. It gets so hard at times.
Video helped me alot,I’m so guilty of 3&4… I need to relax,be patient and learn to entertain myself. Thanks for video
Thank you for writing this article!!!!
Hello.I think am guilty of number 3.I’ve been talking to this guy for about 2 months now,I’m Africa and he’s in the US.He thinks we are in a relationship,he won’t let me go and he insists in coming to my country.Everytime I point out that he doesn’t respect me he says I’m not think straight,i decided to ignore him and block his number but that lead to him messaging me through group chats that he’s friend creates and He was calling me all kinds of namea.He says I’m his girl and he won’t stop talking to me.I pretended to say… Read more »
Oh thank god I found this article. I was going to give up altogether thinking there was something wrong with me. I go into first dates super confident, because not to blow my own trumpet, I’m funny and charismatic and well attractive enough to not worry about initially getting guys. But then boom, soon as we’re on date 3 date 4, I start to worry and read way too into things, start overcompensating the conversations and look up dates and holidays we could go on together….aka bat shit crazy me takes over. N I confuse whether I’m getting gut feelings… Read more »
Thank you so much for writing this article! I’m definitely looking at things in a different way now. I think I’ll be able to move forward without feeling like a crazy person. Thank you!!!
Been single since 1998, happily so since 2008, still no one has shown up. Maybe I’m too happy about being single???