Why Does He Keep Coming Back If He’s NOT Into Me? 17 Reasons

Lasting Love is the result of a powerful strategy. Ready to get started? Click here to learn the strategy (it's free)

Picture this. You meet a great guy, and things seem to be going well. Perhaps you end up in a relationship, or maybe you don’t get around to defining it. But for whatever reason, things don’t work out, and you both go your separate ways. At least, that’s what you thought you’d agreed on. But a few weeks or months later, he pops back into your life like an old tax return. And he continues to do this over and over again. Naturally, you’re confused.

“Does he still like me?”

“Should I give him a second chance?”

“Why does he keep coming back and then leaving?”

Mixed signals like these can mess with your head and your heart.

As always, I’ll give you my advice without any sugar coating: ignore any man who keeps coming back like this unless he has proven to you (with his actions) that he has changed and genuinely wants to give it another go.

But of course, real life isn’t always that black and white. There are feelings involved (maybe strong ones), lust can take over, and everything gets real blurry real quick.

But regardless of how messy your situation is, my advice stands. You’re better off making a clean break from this guy, cutting all contact, and moving on.

I’m guessing these are the thoughts running through your head:

“He keeps coming back because he still loves me.”

“My ex keeps coming back but won’t commit because he’s afraid to.”

“Even when he dates other women, I’m the girl he always returns to. That’s gotta mean something, right?”

Wrong. These are lies you are telling yourself to excuse this appalling behavior.

The act of him bobbing in and out of your life like a boomerang doesn’t mean that he loves you or wants a relationship with you. 99.999999% of the time, a man comes back into a woman’s life because he’s infatuated, bored, or horny. That’s just the truth.

If you’re ready for more of the truth, read on.

In this article, I’m breaking down why he keeps coming back into your life and why he will never give you the relationship and commitment you crave.

Why does he keep coming back? 17 reasons he won’t stay away

1. Because he can

The number one reason why a guy keeps coming back into your life is because he can.

What do I mean by that?

He knows the door will always be open for him.

He knows exactly what to say and do to get you to let your guard down and give him his 19th chance.

So it’s time to get honest with yourself and consider why you keep letting this guy do this to you.

Because a high-value woman does not tolerate behavior like this and will kick a guy like this to the curb faster than you can say, “I forgive you.”

2. He doesn’t know what he wants

when someone keeps coming back into your life

Why does he keep coming back if he isn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with you? Why would he waste his time and yours?

Because he’s in a perpetual state of confusion.

One day he wants you, the next day, he wants tacos, and tomorrow he’ll want to become a beekeeper.

The one constant, recurring theme in this man’s life is “I don’t know what the heck I want.”

He might like you, but he’s unsure whether he wants a relationship. So he moves on, realizes he misses you, and returns. Then the whole damn thing starts all over again. I’m feeling exhausted just thinking about it.

Don’t wait around for this guy to figure his life out. You might end up waiting forever.

Give a man who knows what he wants (i.e., YOU) a chance.

3. Why does he keep coming back? He isn’t ready to commit

What does it mean if he keeps coming back but never commits?

Simple. He isn’t ready to commit.

Maybe he’s still hung up on his ex. Perhaps he isn’t ready to settle down yet and is enjoying the bachelor lifestyle. Maybe he’s mature enough to know that he’s not mature enough to handle a relationship.

Although it’s true that people can change, it’s very unlikely that a man will make a full 180° transformation in the time you want him to. Maybe he’ll come around in a year or two, but are you seriously prepared to wait that long for someone who isn’t even that great?

4. He has attachment issues

Another reason why a guy won’t be able to commit to a woman is because of unresolved attachment issues. These usually stem from childhood trauma and affect how (and what) they learn about love. Issues like these don’t just disappear one day without therapy and some deep inner work to rewrite those patterns and beliefs.

5. He doesn’t like you enough to consider a relationship with you

When someone keeps coming back into your life this way, there comes the point when you can no longer dodge the truth.

Maybe he’s not that into you?

Sure, he might like you enough to spend the night with you, but he doesn’t like you enough to want to commit to anything more serious.

Remember, when you’re dealing with any man you’re dating, you’ve got to ignore what he tells you and pay close attention to his actions. Because lies might tumble out of his mouth, but his actions will show you his true intentions.

6. Why does he keep coming back? He’s only attracted to you

If a man keeps coming back into your life, there’s a strong possibility that he is attracted to you. Maybe it’s a purely physical thing, or maybe there’s something deeper there. But even if he thinks you’re hot and you can make him laugh so hard that he ends up shooting his lemonade out of his nose, he still might not want to commit. I know that’s hard to get your head around.

“If he’s attracted to me and enjoys my company, why wouldn’t he want to be with me?”

Honestly, it could be any or all of the reasons on this list.

7. He doesn’t want anyone else to have you

I want you to think about when exactly this guy chooses to reappear in your life. Because more often than not, it’s the moment you just stopped thinking about him. You’re finally over it, life is good, and you’ve started dating again. Maybe there’s someone special who has caught your eye.

And what d’you know? He’s blowing up your phone, or he turns up at your apartment out of the blue. He’s telling you he’s oh-so sorry, and will you ever forgive him because he desperately wants to make it work?

Yeah, he’s doing this because although he doesn’t want you, he doesn’t want any other guy to have you and show you how much more you deserve.

Time to say, “NEXT!”

8. He wants validation

signs he is a player

As a woman, you’re probably used to receiving compliments from both women and men. But the thing about us guys is we’re a little more stingy with the praise when it comes to each other. And this is one of the reasons why men end up turning to women for an ego boost. He’s not getting it from his buddies or boss, so he’s coming to you.

Your attention and praise feel good. It’s like a drug he keeps returning for every time he feels low. As soon as his belly is full, he’ll wander back into the woods like a lone brown bear hibernating for winter.

9. He is lonely

Why does he keep coming back to you if he doesn’t want to be with you?

Because he’s lonely. Maybe he just broke up with someone else, or one of his best friends just got into a relationship and isn’t hanging out with him much anymore. Perhaps he’s starting to feel the weight of being single as all his friends start to couple up and settle down. I’m sure you’ve felt that at some point too. Most of us have.

He’s looking to escape that loneliness and be around someone who knows him. As soon as he doesn’t feel lonely, he waltzes back out of your life again.

10. Why does he keep coming back? He is selfish

That brings me nicely to the next point—this man does not care about anyone but himself. He will pick you up, use and abuse you, drop you whenever it pleases him, and think nothing of it. How you’re feeling and the confusion and pain he is causing you will not even cross his mind.

One thing is for certain—he doesn’t care about your happiness. Because if he did, he wouldn’t behave this way. Deep down in your heart, I know you know this is not what love looks like.

11. He wants sex

One of the most common reasons a man will keep coming back even if he isn’t interested is because he’s just looking for some quick, easy, no-strings-attached sex.

The only way to know if he’s not using you for the benefits is to put them away under lock and key and watch what happens.

Does he still keep coming back? Is he happy spending time with you out of the bedroom? Is he initiating plans with you that happen during daylight hours? Or is he like a blood-sucking vampire who only hits up your phone at 2 AM when he’s thirsty?

12. He’s a player

why does a man keep coming back

If it’s clear he doesn’t want a relationship but keeps coming back to you, could he just be playing games with you?

Some guys really are Peter Pan and will never grow up. They’ll keep ghosting and reappearing, and they’ll get a kick out of messing with your head. He loves controlling the dynamics of the relationship.

As I said, when a guy keeps boomeranging in and out of your life like this, it’s on you to be firm and tell him to fly back to Neverland.

13. You’re a welcome distraction

Every time he resurfaces, does he drop a ton of baggage in your lap?

I don’t mean the suitcase from his train ride; I mean his emotional baggage.

Maybe it’s a problem at work, a “psycho” ex, or something even more serious. Whatever it is, he wants to talk about it and use you to distract himself from his 99 problems.

Once he feels better offloading everything from his chest and you’ve given him some great advice, he’ll be on his merry way.

14. Why does he keep coming back? He just broke up with someone

Why does a guy keep coming back to you? Perhaps he’s seeking comfort and solace after going through a breakup with another woman.

He leaves you, finds another woman, and eventually breaks up with her. Then he returns to you because he’s heartbroken and wants to feel better. So he stays with you until he’s healed, then leaves again. Rinse and repeat. He’s not looking to be with you; he’s just rebounding.

15. He’s keeping his options open

Another reason why he might keep coming back is that he’s keeping you on what is known as “the backburner.”

Now, I’m going to be honest, in my younger days of dating, I used to do this with women, too. There were girls I knew I would never be serious with, but I’d loosely stay in touch with them just in case.

“Just in case what, Adam?!”

Honestly, I don’t know. In case I messed things up with every other woman in my city?

Who knows why a man thinks the way he does?

My point is that you might be one of many women he’s casually seeing.

16. He is not over you

does he still like me

If a man keeps coming back into your life, there’s a chance it’s because he’s not quite over you. Maybe you were the best woman he ever met. Perhaps he now realizes what an amazing thing he let slip through his hands. And he keeps showing up because he feels guilty for breaking your heart and wants to eventually get back with you.

But honestly, this is the exception to the rule. If it’s the first time he’s coming back, you might want to give him the benefit of the doubt. But after that, he’s out of chances, in my opinion. Close the door and walk away.

17. He genuinely misses you

Don’t get your hopes up too quickly, ladies, because men like this want what they can’t have.

When he’s not with you and single, he realizes he misses the perks of being in a relationship or situationship and genuinely misses you. But when he’s with you, he wants to be single, party with the guys, and hit on other women. In other words, he wants to have all the cake in the world and eat it.

And yes, there is a tiny possibility that he genuinely misses you and wants to make things work this time. Like I said before, consider giving him one opportunity to prove himself and make it up to you. But only if you believe he’s worth it. Out of the millions of single men out there, is he the one you want to spend your life with?

What to do when he comes back

1. Put yourself first

Forget about him and focus on you. Do you deserve being messed around and not knowing where you stand with a guy?

Heck no. You deserve more than this. It’s time to start thinking about what you need and want. And let’s be honest, what are the chances of this guy being able to give you those things?

2. Ask yourself if he meets your love vision

Little Love Step #2 of my 7 Little Love Steps centers around creating your love vision. It requires you to be clear on the man and relationship you desire. Make a list of what you’re looking for, then compare that to the guy who keeps coming in and out of your life.

Does he match your love vision?

Editor’s note: Ready to attract love with a proven strategy? Watch this free video to learn the 7 powerful steps

If you put commitment, respect, stability, or kindness on your love vision, that’s a bit fat NO. Time to say, “NEXT!”

3. Call him out

Instead of wondering why he keeps coming back into your life and trying to figure out what’s going on in his head, ask him.

Have an honest conversation where you don’t skirt around the issue. You’ll gain clarity on the problem, and maybe he will too. Plus, he needs to know that what he’s doing is not okay and that you’re not going to tolerate it.

4. Start dating other people!

if he keeps coming back to you

And the final tip I’ve got for you when a guy keeps coming in and out of your life is to make sure you’re dating other people. This is also known as Little Love Step #4—when I encourage all the women in my coaching program to make sure they’re exploring new connections.

Meeting other guys will take your mind off this one person, and it won’t be long before you start to see there are much better guys out there who do meet your love vision and want to date you!


If you’ve felt stuck in this “what are we” limbo with a guy for a while, I’d love to know what action you will take after reading this article.

Will you cut all contact with him? Join a dating app? Spend some time building your confidence and self-worth back up?

Tell me all about it in the comments below!

What do you think? Share your thoughts below...

Notify of

Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
1 year ago

He fits this article to a tee, I do all the texting but no reply for months. He’s just ghosting me but yet he wants me to keep his number, for what? I’m the only one in this relationship and I keep hoping he’ll get better towards me.

1 year ago
Reply to  Amy

Maybe you’re a back up for him? I found out the hard way that I was. If the other is more convenient (lives closer, etc) then you may be his “just in case”. You must stop texting him. He will wonder why and come back. Just you wait and see. But do you really want that type of man? You deserve more.

1 year ago

I needed this article! thank you…

1 year ago

I don’t do returns, I feel that keep can back with no comment, because you let him!

1 year ago

fpMy phone did some funky stuff, what say is I don’t do returns, they return turn because you allow them to return they know you will accept it, stop accepting!

1 year ago

Ask him why he likes me and what he wants.

Lina Nourachi
1 year ago

I am doing fun stuff with friends and dating. I do not chaise him anymore and I do not initiate any conversation or plan any events to together. We were in a long-distance relationship for years and now I am fully aware that I was doing all the perusing and not him.
No more of that

1 year ago

I have been seeing this guy for 16 months. In the beginning it was allot of fun. I realized early on that I had fallen for him. However, I waited till the 6 month mark to tell him. He didn’t reciprocate feelings but I thought hey give him time. A couple of months later, he started wanting to have him time. It started out with just a day. I was ok with that. Then it was more frequent that he wanted him time. It was more during the week and I was spending weekends with him. Then it was only… Read more »

1 year ago
Reply to  Pebbles

If you’re waiting to see his reaction then you’re not done.
It sounds like he’s been cheating on you for awhile. That sucks and you deserve so much better.

1 year ago

6 years and we’re still in limbo, we’ve been monogamous in our undefined attachment. Long story short the crying has to stop. I think I’m going to spend some time getting me back maybe not shut the door completely but definitely take out any physical nature of our relationship. And perhaps after I work on me I’ll just blatantly ask him if he’s still around why he’s still around.

1 year ago

I enjoyed this article..i feel like like my situation is so unique.. I’m not a young woman and recently reconnected with my high school sweetheart after 30 years I have always loved him and feel like I will until the day I die.. unconditionally.. i also feel like he has come between every man I have thought I loved .. I have been married twice my first husband passed and second I divorced.. he reached out to me id say 20 years ago casually and we have kept in touch through email text .. we finally met after 30 years… Read more »

Chiquita Viva
1 year ago
Reply to  Carey

Ask him if he wants to get Married, if Yes then set a Date, if Date passes & no Marriage then U know he’s just full of it. Having his Cake & eating it, too !! If he does not want to get Married after (1 !) 30 !!? Years then tell him to stop yanking your chain & that U no longer consider him a friend because friends don’t do that to friends. Then seriously, Change your Number & make it unlisted &/or Move away if possible – Life is slipping away & this is just one guy out… Read more »

1 year ago

I meet a guy from a date app. He lives 3 hrs away, he is 67yrs old. I asked him the distance was a problem he said no. We texted and talked on the phone a lot. He was calling me a lot, . But he is2 months he comes to see me. From Thursday to Sunday. We had a good time. He went home. Wednesday he is sick. Flue, I don’t hardly hear from him. He says he sick, for 2 months,. He says he can’t come and see m e. T h en he has teeth problem, his… Read more »

Chiquita Viva
1 year ago
Reply to  Audrey

He Sounds like a PLayer who might still be Married; also sounds like he just used U & now doesn’t care about your feelings, some guys are just cold like that, nothing U can do & nothing that U did, I knew a guy like that once, is his Name Dick ?

1 year ago

I’ve ghosted him this time and he doesn’t know how to react. When I see my “Fantasy Boyfriend” all smiles and sunshine he seems confused that I am no longer waiting for his texts. I am out enjoying myself with family and friends. I finally decided to put the shoe on the other foot, when we were on again for a month I suddenly stopped texting him and decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. I pulled the ghost trick on him and don’t answer his texts. I sent a message loud and clear. I am polite… Read more »

Chiquita Viva
1 year ago
Reply to  Debbie

HaHa Bravo, GurLFriend & Congratulations – U da Best !! Keep up the good work !!!
Thumbs Up – U too smart for him, 4 Sure.

1 year ago

He never wanted a relationship/ commitment and made that clear from the beginning but we were intimate and didn’t see anyone else for 6-9 months. It was truly magical like a classic love comedy. Then he decided to only be friends without giving me a reason. He said he can’t give me a reason when he can’t find the reasons to give himself. No more intimacy. He’s my best friend and we have a huge circle of the same friends. Not seeing him is not an option. I’ve never been so sure of wanting to be someone for the rest… Read more »

Chiquita Viva
1 year ago
Reply to  Mermaid

It’s quite possible that he is Not 100% HeterosexuaL. It happens a lot more often than U might imagine. He doesn’t want a Relationship & made that clear from the beginning ? Sounds like a “Will & Grace” (TV Show) type of situation. Life is Short – make it sweet with someone else. Sounds like this guy might be just using U (as a Mask) to make himself look Hetero. It happens a lot more than U might imagine & it happened to me more than once … U are too good for him. Fact.

Chiquita Viva
1 year ago

Hello !! I have been on a roller coaster with this guy for 4 years now (which is 3 years longer than I initially felt was reasonable). When I met him he said he was looking for a wife, then after 1 year he said he wasn’t the marrying type. That was my cue to leave but I just never clued in, if I had just faced reality then I could have saved myself 3 years of precious time with the wrong guy. Long story short, this super-manipulative guy kept blatantly using me without commitment. He wanted me to go… Read more »

1 year ago

20 years I’ve been letting this guy in and out of my life – he’s been leaving me since we were 13 years old. Why haven’t I learned? Maybe I am broken because I can’t make him stay away and put him above every other man I meet. I’m exhausted from trying to leave I’m exhausted from trying to stay. I just want to be alone at this point. He tells me loves me, we’re dating now without any sex allowed. He still hasn’t committed but I feel it’s going to happen. Our daughters finally met and we’ve been spending… Read more »

Chiquita Viva
1 year ago
Reply to  Barbara

You’re not an idiot, U are Super Smart & it won’t be long until U realize that U just need stronger boundaries. Manipulative Users will string U along for as long as U let them so if I were U, I would set a Date for Marriage & if he hasn’t married U by such & such a Date then U have your Answer, right or wrong, good or bad, like it or not but nothing says Hello like, The Truth. Wakey, Wakey, Eggs & Bakey !! It doesn’t take as long to get over someone as U might think,… Read more »

1 year ago

I dropped him and joined a dating app.

Chiquita Viva
1 year ago
Reply to  Shirley

B. R. A. V. O. !!!

1 year ago

I have been dating a guy f55/m64 for almost 2 years non exclusive…I believe that he believes that the girl chooses exclusivity…but. We only see each other 1-2 times per week.(his schedule) I still date kind of a lot. If he doesn’t give more time, I can’t give more love. We have soooo much fun together..in and out of the bedroom. If I was sure what I wanted then perhaps I could ask for more.

1 year ago

This has been ongoing for almost 6 years. So much time wasted, to much pain and a significant loss is self esteem and self confidence. Yes, it’s way past time to cut him off and not worry about his well being and start taking care of my own!

6 months ago

It’s not uncommon to find yourself in a situation like this, and it can indeed be confusing and emotionally draining. Your advice here is pretty straightforward and practical. Ignoring someone who keeps coming back without demonstrating a genuine commitment to change is a wise choice. People often make excuses for such behavior, but as you pointed out, actions speak louder than words. Your breakdown of the possible reasons why he keeps returning is insightful, especially highlighting that it’s essential to put oneself first and not settle for someone who doesn’t align with your love vision. Try to Get More Information… Read more »

Other articles you may like...

The One That Got Away: Get Him Back or Let Him Go?
Decoding Love: How To Make Modern Dating Feel Less Complicated
The Real Reasons Why You’re Still Single