9 Things To Look For in a Guy Before It Gets Too Serious

Lasting Love is the result of a powerful strategy. Ready to get started? Click here to learn the strategy (it's free)

You’re newly single and looking for love, but the dates you’ve gone on have been less than ideal.

You thought Joe was going to be your Prince Charming…but he turned out to be a dud.

Then Phil, who smooth-talked his way into your heart turned out to only want to get into your bed.

You want love—you truly do—but you’re starting to feel like you’re looking for a needle in a gigantic haystack.

How can you keep from wasting your time and energy on the wrong men? If only there was a guide that would tell you exactly the things to look for in a guy to know whether he was worth your time or not.

Well…guess what? I’ve created just such a guide right here! This article will help you tune in faster to whether a man has potential or not so you stop wasting time on the wrong ones.

Things to Look for in a Guy to Make Sure He’s Right for You

Paying attention to how a man acts when you first start dating will help you understand whether there is the potential for something long-term or if you shouldn’t waste your time on him. Let’s look at those things to look for in a guy so you know one way or another.

1. You Have Similar Values

Whether it’s having similar religious beliefs, both wanting to get married, or both of you supporting the same political party, these are fundamental building blocks of a relationship.

Consider what having dissimilar values might look like: imagine dating a man who, unlike you, didn’t believe in marriage. Going to church is a big part of your life, and he’s a proud atheist. You believe in fighting climate change, he’s a climate change denier.

Do you really see this being a great and long-lasting relationship? Of course not. You want someone who feels similar, if not the same, about what matters to you.

But don’t fret if you don’t have identical values: Dr. Gary Brown, a couples’ therapist in Los Angeles, says you don’t have to feel the same about everything:

“You can have a very successful relationship, without having to share all of the same values. You just have to share the same basic ‘must-have’ values.”

Not sure what your must-have values are? Take some time to reflect on what’s most important to you. You might find it easier to list deal-breakers to help you filter out men who don’t share your values.

2. He Wants a Relationship

couple looking out window

Is he looking for a relationship too? That’s a great sign!

You know you want a relationship, so it stands to reason that one of the things to look for in a guy is that he wants one, too. And yet, I know countless women who overlook this tiny—yet hugely important—characteristic. They try to convince themselves that down the road, this man will tumble into love with them and be a great partner.

When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship…believe him! Don’t waste your energy trying to convince him otherwise. You’ll just end up frustrated and hurt.

On the other hand, if this man is making every indication that he is looking for something long-term like you, it’s all systems go! Of course, that doesn’t guarantee you’ll end up together forever, but you at least have the possibility.

3. You Have Conversational, Physical, and Emotional Chemistry

These three types of chemistry are essential for a serious relationship. Sure, you can have physical chemistry that will peter out after a few months when you realize you have nothing in common. But the alchemical cocktail of all three makes for a great combination.

When you talk (in person or on the phone), do you never run out of things to say to one another?

When you’re together, do you feel a magnet pulling you to one another’s bodies?

Does he make you feel safe, secure, and cared for?

Editor’s note: Ready to attract love with a proven strategy? Watch this free video to learn the 7 powerful steps

If the answer is yes, then you are off to a great start with a fantastic match.

4. You’re in a Similar Place in Your Lives

older couple in bed

Are you in a similar phase in your lives? That’s great!

We go through different phases in our lives. In our 20s, many people get married and start having kids. In our 30s, it might be all about moving ahead careerwise. In our 40s, maybe those kids leave the nest. I’ve found that people who are at similar phases in their lives are more compatible. Maybe his son left for college last year and now you’re nervously preparing for your daughter to leave. He can support you and let you know what to expect.

Maybe you’re both dating post-divorce but are ready to find love.

These similarities are a good thing! On the other hand, if your kids are grown and you’re done raising kids, you probably don’t want to date a man with young children. It’s all about being attuned to what you want in your life right now and looking for a partner who wants the same.

5. He Respects You

Respect is one of those foundation pieces that make for a great relationship down the road. If he respects and supports you, he’ll always do so.

If it’s too early to gauge whether he does respect you, look to see how he treats other people in his life like friends, family, or even the waiter at the restaurant he takes you to. It’s hard for people to cover up their negative flaws for long, so if you see signs that he’s rude to people, he’s probably not going to be the most respectful partner to you.

6. He Makes an Effort in the Relationship

Is he texting or calling you as much as you are him? Do you take turns planning (or even paying for) your dates? Do you feel like he’s actively trying to take the relationship forward? If so, that’s great, because that’s one of the things to look for in a guy who wants a long-term relationship.

There’s debate about whether a relationship is ever truly equal, but there should be a general give and take that balances things out. If there isn’t, if you feel like you’re doing all the heavy lifting, it’s time to move on. Somewhere out there is a man who wants to give as much as you do.

7. He Has His Sh#% Together

My mother is a divorce attorney (ironic, I know), and she’s seen firsthand that the #1 reason for divorce is financial issues. That might be because one person was hiding a serious spending problem from the other. It might be something else. But you’re at a point in your life where you need a man to have his stuff together financially.

Don’t get me wrong; I am not telling you to date or marry a man who is wealthy for his money. Date or marry for stability. You want a man who is established in his career, who knows how to stick to a budget, and who is open about his finances. He doesn’t have to be rich; he just has to have it together.

8. He’s Emotionally Balanced

man balancing

A man should be able to handle the stresses of life in a balanced way.

When I say “emotionally balanced,” what I mean is that he can handle stressful situations without falling apart. Anxiety, stress, depression…these things happen to all of us. It’s how we handle them that matters. When you’re part of a couple, how you handle them also affects your partner.

It also means that he’s emotionally mature. He isn’t going to run from a conversation about feelings, and he knows how to communicate his own.

In a nutshell, you want a grown man!

9. He Treats You Like a Partner

You are not a child. You have likely been adulting for quite some time, so you don’t need a man who just wants to control the relationship and you.

You need someone who will care about your opinion and make decisions with you. Essentially, you want to be treated as an equal partner in this relationship.

If a man is domineering or throws a fit when you don’t do what he wants, this is not a partnership. You won’t be able to change his need for control, so move on.

If He Doesn’t Have These Qualities…

Now that you know a few of the things to look for in a guy to determine whether he’s long-term material, you have to address what to do if he doesn’t make the list. Few will. The key is identifying quickly whether a man is who you need a partner to be and if he’s not, letting go of your desire to make him that partner.

Don’t settle for a “good enough” relationship. You may think that the guy you’re dating is almost the things you’re looking for, but if he’s not those things now, he won’t suddenly change and become them. When you settle for a “good enough” relationship, you are selling yourself short from ever finding what you truly deserve in love.

Know that a better fit is out there. I know you may have been looking for Mr. Right for a while, and you’re probably tired of looking, but realize this: you’re closer to finding him than you’ve ever been. You’re getting better and better at filtering through the wrong men so you can make way for the right one.

Don’t be afraid to be alone. It’s far from the end of the world. In fact, there are tons of benefits to being on your own. And if you’ve always found yourself swinging from one relationship to another with no breathing room in between, you might find that being alone for a while helps you reset your expectations about what you want in a mate.

Conclusion:

I know a lot of people mindlessly date. They aren’t putting a lot of effort into really intuitively paying attention to what the person they’re dating is communicating with his actions and words, but trust me: if you put a little more energy into it, you’ll be able to see quickly whether a man is worth your time or not.

Do you have other things to look for in a guy that you’d add to this list? Leave a comment below to share with the love strategies community!

What do you think? Share your thoughts below...

Subscribe
Notify of

17 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Jennifer
4 years ago

Great article! And an important reminder not to settle.!!!

Esther Ezenwa
4 years ago

Am really enlighten by this group and I will love to be a part of this group.

MaryAnn
4 years ago

Good information. I appreciate it. Thank you.

marsha
4 years ago

hi i am dating a guy 6 months now. in the first 4 months of the relationship went very well until he started pulling away and i see more and more signs that he is not into me. he is doing this hot and cold all the time. i have never met any of his friends yet, we hang out, go out in public , i have just recently been to his flat after 6 months. i also think he is emotionally unavailable and he told me a week ago that he only want a physical relationship but he wants… Read more »

Nelly
4 years ago
Reply to  marsha

I am sorry to hear you’re struggling to let go of the guy, even though from what you said, you know the score with him. I was in your shoes. I know it’s tough, but promise yourself – say to yourself everyday – that you love yourself and respect yourself and will not contact him. Honor yourself and give yourself the permission to let him go. Best wishes to you!

T
4 years ago

Hi, I have been in a fwb situation for almost 3 years. Initially I had no idea he had a gf. When I found out I wanted to end things but he would and still does not want to. He says he wants to f..k me forever????… Since then I have tried numerous times to end things. I blocked him on my phone but he then shows up at my house … To be honest, I think I am inlove with him. This article made me realize that he actually has none of the qualities I would like in a… Read more »

Geneva
3 years ago

Thank you so much for your work and this article in particular. I am 2 years widowed and just started interacting with men one year ago. It is definitely challenging to interact with men. I don’t really know how much commitment I am looking for in a relationship at this time, but this article gives me focus to look for high quality partners to share my time with until I meet someone that we mutually would want to be exclusive with each other. Again, thank you so much for this information!

Barbara
2 years ago

I have found that simple kindness and appreciation are very difficult to find. I appreciate it when a man is as male as what he wants to be so long as I’m an equal partner, and he can appreciate me for my femininity and the skills I bring into the relationship. True kindness and appreciation are hard to find.
I’ve been reading your posts for a long time now and appreciate all your insights. I take all your posts to heart. Thank you.

2 years ago

I think generosity/thoughtfulness is also important. It shows an innate characteristic and consideration for another. For example, I cannot drink wine but I do drink vodka. If I invite a man to dinner and he brings wine, knowing I don’t drink it, this seems selfish and inconsiderate unless I advised him to bring it for himself. If he also brings vodka, I know he is thinking of me.

Esther Ali
2 years ago

Thank you so much. I just got out of a toxic relationship I am heartbroken.

Esther Ali
2 years ago

I am blessed.

Evelyn Medina
2 years ago

This article really helped me thank you

Mary
2 years ago

At age 75 and after 47 years of a difficult marriage, I certainly knew what I wanted and didn’t want when my husband passed. Age is not all bad. Seniors have wisdom. Putting it all out there in my profile on a dating site, I found him. Five months later I am in love for the first time in my life. The pickings are certainly slimmer at this age, but I found the man of my dreams. Happy beyond my imagination! Mary

Andi
2 years ago

Love the instructions for no bs. I’ve recently found myself in situations where I needed to end dating scenarios quickly and men can be scary if they’re emotionally attached and you’re not into them and you want to let go. What’s the best way to end things as a woman with a man who’s attached when you yourself are not?

MadameFrenchie
1 year ago
Reply to  Andi

Pray, then be honest and direct. Most men understand when you are straight forward. Be his friend emotionally but NEVER physically. Continually state to him, when appropriate, ” We will never get married” and give 2 reasons why. Laugh and keep the comment light. But say it! Slowly decrease your availability to him without stopping the friendship. Most men have to feel that they made the decision to end the relationship, so let him ( by giving him your two reasons.) Eventually, he will get the message! LOL

samibaceri samibaceri
1 month ago

I have friends who are totally disillusioned with relationships with men. It seems like people are now discovering new sides of themselves, freeing themselves from societal pressure and labels, and when they start listening to themselves, they find a lot of new things. By the way, they found this lesbian dating website very useful, which allows you to meet women, including for serious and long-term relationships. It’s great that there are dating sites for everyone, regardless of who they’re interested in.

Michael Souliere
10 days ago

I’ve learned it’s not just about surface-level traits but shared values and genuine connection. When I decided to try online dating, I discovered some platforms cater to specific communities and needs, which makes the process more personal. For example, platforms like blackpeoplemeet offer a unique space to connect with people who share similar cultural experiences, making dating feel more authentic and comfortable. It’s all about finding what works best for you!

Other articles you may like...

1

Dating in Your 40’s and Beyond for Successful Single Women

1

First Date Fumbling? 4 Tips for Better Conversations

1

10 Harsh Truths about Dating Men You Wish You Knew Sooner