15 Signs He’s Using You and What You Can do About it

signs hes using you

While you like the guy you’re dating, you find yourself looking for signs he’s using you. Something just feels…off, and the last thing you want to do is be played.

Well, I’m here to point you in the right direction. If any of the following signs he’s using you ring true, you need to exit stage left immediately. You are too smart and sexy to be taken advantage of by any man, and there’s someone out there for you who will respect you the way you deserve to be respected.

Signs He’s Using You That You May Not See


The thing about players is…they’re good. They’re so good at being dishonest and making you believe anything they want you to. So if it turns out that any of these signs he’s using you are true, I don’t want you to be hard on yourself. Every woman I’ve ever worked with as a relationship coach has been taken advantage of, so you’re far from alone.

The key is taking action immediately once you realize you’re being played. If you identify some of the signs he’s using you and then you stay with him, well, that’s on you.

I get it, though. You may feel like you won’t meet another guy, and maybe there are some really great things about this one (other than the fact that he’s using you).

But I’m here to tell you that staying with a guy like this is unacceptable. For one, you’re reinforcing his behavior.

He’ll think well, she knows I’m using her and still she stays, so that’s going to be my strategy with every woman.

Not cool.

For two, you’re settling. You’re giving up the hope that there is one great guy out there for you. This is not him. Imagine your life with this jerk five or even fifty years from now. Are you happy then? Of course not.

So cut ties now before it gets harder.

Here are 15 signs he’s using you. Sometimes we don’t see what’s right underneath our noses, but there it is.

1. He Contacts You on His Schedule
2. You’re Not Going on Actual Dates
3. He Says All The Right Things
4. He Won’t Talk About Commitment
5. Your Friends See Right Through His Act
6. He’s Beyond Selfish In The Bedroom
7. You’ve Never Met His Friends And Family
8. He’s Financially Dependent On You
9. He’s Always Asking For Favors
10. He Doesn’t Care How You Feel
11. He’s Not Affectionate
12.He Ghosts You
13. He Shows Up At Odd Hours
14. He Has A Bad Rep
15. You Aren’t His One And Only

1. He Contacts You on His Schedule

woman waiting for text

Do you spend all your time waiting for his text?

Start paying attention to when you hear from this guy. Is it only late at night? Or maybe it takes him days to respond to your text. This, frankly, is unacceptable.

Certainly, you shouldn’t expect him to instantly respond to every text, but if you’re seeing a pattern of him contacting you when he gets around to it, then this may be a sign he’s using you.

What to Do About It: If you’re not sure if this is an issue, try texting him during the day and keeping track of when he responds. Also notice if he only texts you late at night (hello, bootie call). You can ask him to be more prompt in responding or text during the day, but it might not be worth it.

2. You’re Not Going on Actual Dates

You may have been seeing this guy a few weeks, but think about how you’re spending time together. You might be meeting at your house for lunch…only you don’t end up leaving the bedroom for a meal. Maybe he works at night and invites you over after he gets off at 11.

One of the signs he’s using you is that you never actually go on a date, especially not a full-on dinner date that costs more than $10.

Has this man actually bought you a meal or taken you out to anywhere that would constitute as a date location? If not, this man isn’t dating you. He’s sleeping with you. You might not even realize it! After all, you’re cool with having sex…but you thought you were having sex with a guy you were dating, in the hopes that it would eventually turn more serious. Sorry to tell you, but it never will. This guy will never commit.

What to Do About It: Before you ditch him, ask him out for dinner or somewhere else “datey.” If he’s got some lame excuse, he’s not interested in getting to know you over a plate of alfredo. Move on.

3. He Says All The Right Things

man with flowers

The fact that he does everything right could be one of the signs he’s using you!

Man, this guy is a smooth operator. He’s wrapped you around his finger and you know it. From your first date when he made himself vulnerable by telling you something personal to his constant girl, you’re so beautiful compliments, he’s proven to be smooth…

A little too smooth.

You’re used to guys acting a little nervous on early dates with you, and this guy’s confidence is a bit much. The fact that he always knows exactly what to say makes you feel like he’s probably saying these things to a whole lot of women.

What to Do About It: If you think he’s talking to other women, he probably is. But this as one of the signs he’s using you is harder to pin down. I mean, you can’t say you’re flattering me! Clearly, you’re using me! So I suggest you pay attention and watch out for other signs he’s using you to be sure that he’s trying to take advantage of you.

4. He Won’t Talk About Commitment

You’ve been seeing this guy long enough that you feel the two of you should become exclusive and not see other people. Yet every time you bring it up, he freaks out.

Whoa, babe. We haven’t been seeing each other that long. Let’s just keep our options open.

Maybe you haven’t been dating other people, and you wish he’d commit in return. Every time you go out with friends to a place you know he likes, you fear that you’ll run into him and some other girl. Maybe that’s even happened.

What to Do About It: You have to ask yourself: why is he so averse to committing to you, especially if you’ve been dating for months? I know you feel like you’ve invested serious time in this guy, but he’s communicating a major message that you’re not seeing: he wants to play the field, and you’re just one part of his sport.

He figures it’s not technically cheating since he never said he would be your boyfriend…yet it still feels like he’s being disloyal to you. Ditch the dude. You deserve better.

5. Your Friends Think He’s a Jerk

friends arguing

Listen to your friends! They may see through his act.

Do you find yourself defending your guy to your friends constantly? Are they always pointing out what a jerk he is, and you always ignoring them? Your friends probably can point to all the signs he’s using you if you ask.

Your friends love you. They have no reason to lie to you. Sometimes it’s hard to see the truth, especially if you’re emotionally invested in someone. But your friends see things from the outside. And they know what’s best for you more often than you do.

What to Do About It: Consider why a friend might not like the guy you’re dating. Have you told her about the times you’ve been upset? Maybe you called a friend crying when he stood you up or verbally abused you. Your friend may be more in tune with how he’s using you based on what you’ve told her.

Especially if she’s telling you in a loving way that this guy isn’t for you, stop and listen. There’s likely truth to what she’s saying. And consider the big picture: who will be around in five years? This guy that’s making you crazy, or your loyal friend?

6. He’s Beyond Selfish In The Bedroom

While you enjoy romping around with this man, you realize that things aren’t exactly balanced in the bedroom. You’re definitely giving more than you’re getting. And when you bring it up, he just says, I’m not really into [thing you want him to do.]

If he really cared about you, he’d do whatever it took to make your toes curl. Sex, like a relationship, should be about equal power, with each partner giving just as much as the other.

What to Do About It: Maybe you’re thinking, well, if I ditch him then I won’t be having sex at all. Look, being alone is better than being with a selfish man. How he treats you in the bedroom is probably indicative of how he treats you outside of it, and he will never be willing to sacrifice his own needs for you.

7. You’ve Never Met His Friends And Family

signs he's using you

He may not like you enough to let you into his world.

Again, you’ve been dating this guy for long enough to expect certain things…like meeting his friends or family. I mean, if his family lives across the country, sure, you might not have the opportunity to meet them. But everyone has friends, right? And yet he’s made no effort for you to get to know them.

You’ve got to ask yourself why he’s not interested in introducing you to people who matter to him. Could it be because…you don’t matter to him? I know, I’m being harsh. But I’m giving you these signs he’s using you so that you can see that lightbulb over your head go off and do something about it.

What to Do About It: Flat out ask him why he isn’t introducing you. I seriously doubt he has a good excuse, but it’ll at least make him squirm…before you tell him you never want to see him again.

8. He’s Financially Dependent On You

You might be looking for signs he’s using you for money, so let’s discuss finances.

Who pays for dates? You or him?

Does he frequently complain about being broke or whine about situations that leave him strapped for cash?

Has he flat out asked you for money?

Here’s my two cents: talking about finances is something that solid, committed couples do. Not people who have dated a few weeks or months. And they have open conversations about money, not try to get it out of the other person.

What to Do About It: Here, I’d rather focus on what you shouldn’t do: you should never ever give or loan this man money. You don’t know him like that. You will very likely never see it again. But also pay attention to ways you’re financing him: maybe he’s asked you to pay his phone or utility bill or asks you to pick up a few things for him at the store. All of this amounts to the same thing: he’s using you for money.

It hurts to hear, but he’s not dating you because of your sparkling personality. He wants something from you. This will not end well, so get out as soon as you can. And send him a bill for what he owes you. 🙂

9. He’s Always Asking For Favors

woman dry cleaning

Are you tired of doing favors for him, like picking up his dry cleaning?

Hey, would you mind picking up my friend from the airport?

Can my sister crash on your couch?

Will you get me a six pack while you’re out?

If the guy you’re dating is constantly asking for favors, he’s up to no good. Just like in the “selfish in the bedroom” example: if he’s into you, he should want to do you favors.

And sure, couples do favors for each other all the time. But they’re not constant, and they’re always reciprocated. If you feel like he’s asking too much, it’s likely one of the signs he’s using you.

What to Do About It: See if he’s willing to return the favor. After he asks for one, ask for one about as big (if he asks you to pick up his friend, ask him to take your dog to the vet). See what his response is. I’m willing to bet he’ll have excuses on why he can’t do it.

10. He Doesn’t Care How You Feel

You have the world’s worst day and all you want to do is curl in a ball and vent to the man in your life. So you do just that. His reaction? He barely looks up from watching the game to pat you on the shoulder.

You just feel like whenever you share something with him, he’s indifferent. There’s no excuse for this. When you’re dating someone, you should be invested in their emotions. When he’s sad, you’re sad…so why doesn’t he feel the same?

What to Do About It: Leave. Immediately. He isn’t worth the breath it would take to yell at him, so don’t ignore this sign he’s using you.

11. He’s Not Affectionate

man woman couch

He never seems to want to get close to you.

One of the perks for you in dating is having someone to hold hands with, hug, and kiss. But this guy only seems affectionate with you in the bedroom. If you’re out and about and you try to grab his hand and he pulls away, that’s a big red flag! Either he just doesn’t dig you or he’s worried someone may see you together (meaning he may have a girlfriend or wife in the wings).

What to Do About It: Honestly, some guys aren’t big on PDA. That doesn’t necessarily make them jerks.  But that, combined with other of these signs he’s using you, can be an indicator that this man is not a good fit for you. Let him go.

12. He Ghosts You

Maybe you told him you didn’t want to sleep with him after your second date and then he vanished into thin air. Maybe you brought up commitment and then you never hear from him again. Whatever the cause (and it’s quite possible you’ll never know), he’s ghosted and you’re left feeling frustrated and a bit pissed.

What to Do About It: Again, this is a “what not to do” scenario. Don’t, for any reason, reach out to find out what happened. He doesn’t want to talk to you. He’s a flipping coward who couldn’t say ya know, we want different things. I don’t think this is going to work out. So he disappeared.

I know you’re tempted to give him a piece of your mind, but trust me: it will do no good. This guy is a user and a loser, and you telling him so won’t make him change his behavior.

13. He Shows Up At Odd Hours

man at door

He thinks he can show up in the middle of the night?? Uh uh!

It’s 2 a.m. and there’s a knock at your door. You reach for the baseball bat to bash the intruder on the head…only to find this guy standing on your porch.

He didn’t come to wish you sweet dreams, lady.

Or maybe you make plans to meet up at a party and he shows up four hours in.

This guy is not consistent, and you can’t rely on him to be where he says he’ll be on time. Frustrating.

What to Do About It: You can yell and scream, but I doubt it’ll do any good. Make it clear that you have expectations, and he isn’t meeting them. Then find a guy who can meet them.

14. He Has A Bad Rep

When you tell people who you’re dating, they get a funny look in their eyes. When you ask what that’s all about, they say something like, oh nothing. I just heard he’s a player is all.

If you hear this from more than one person, listen up! I know his blue eyes are soulful and those tattoos make you melt, but bad things sometimes come in good packages. If you’re in your 40s or later and dating, you’ve got to wonder: why is this guy single? If he’s never been married or even had a long-term relationship, please slow your roll and puzzle that one out. Sure, he’ll say it’s because he hasn’t met The One, but it’s hard to find The One if you’re hopping from bed to bed.

Am I right?

You’re too old for the whole Bad Boy appeal thing, woman. Although…if you’re ovulating, it might be your body’s fault. A scientific research found that women who were in their week of ovulation delude themselves that bad boys would make good partners or even fathers! So the lesson here: don’t trust your brain if you’re ovulating!

What to Do About It:  I know that bad boys are “pretty”. They put a lot of work into being attractive to the opposite sex. But resist! Because you’ll end up with a broken heart, and I simply can’t have that.

15. You Aren’t His One And Only

cheating man

You get the sense you’re not his only woman.

Oh, Lori! he cries out in bed…only your name is Sandra. Sometimes you feel like he calls you girl because he can’t remember which of his many women he’s talking to. You definitely get the feeling that he’s dating (and sleeping with) other women. It’s not a good feeling.

This is definitely one of the big signs he’s using you, especially if you’re sleeping with him. If you’re not yet having sex, he’s probably into the thrill of the chase and may lose interest if you give in.

What to Do About It: If you aren’t having sex yet, let him know that the only way that’s going to happen is if you become exclusive. He won’t like that. If he agrees to that condition, you need to listen to your gut to decide if he’s being honest about not seeing anyone else…or if he’s just telling you what you want to hear to get in your pants.

Conclusion:

There you have it: the signs he’s using you. I apologize if you feel worse than you did before you read this.  That wasn’t my intention. I did, however, want to open your eyes to the way this man may be mistreating you.

I know we all put up with behavior we shouldn’t, especially if it’s been a while since you’ve dated anyone. But I need you to believe that there is someone out there who is fabulous who has zero intention of using you like this guy is. Be patient. You’ll find him. In the meantime, ditch the dork and focus on being happy on your own.

What signs he’s using you have you noticed in a relationship? Did you put up with it or leave?

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Adam LoDolce

Love Strategist

My true passion in life is transforming your love life by giving you specific tools and techniques that you can use to attract long lasting love. I got started when...Read Adam's Story

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2 years ago

Ugh yes I am experiencing this with my so called boyfriend. I found out around xmas time that he had been living with a 53yr old woman. I thought I could forgive it and move on. It’s been very difficult to shove it under the rug because I have strong feelings for him. He also only comes around when he broke etc; I seriously need to move on and start dating again. It’s been very hard because we have amazing chemistry but nothing has really changed since we met last September. Thank you for the video I really appreciate it!

Mary
2 years ago

I have made these mistakes more times than not. Now I am a happily single gal again, not willing to ever settle again, and if I never find anybody that’s just fine. Better off alone than in a bad relationship. I see so many people with relationship problems that I just keep to myself.

Felicia Jackson
8 months ago
Reply to  Mary

I agree men never me n my kids r living my best single life

Felicia Jackson
8 months ago

I meant men never grow up and me n my kids r living my best single life..

Mitsy Aleksic
5 months ago

Felicia I thought I had found my true love when I found out he was just using me for a visa. This was back in December last year. I had my ex from 7 yrs back want to get close again. but it seems he turns up at odd hours. he talks about dates and doing things for my birthday but we have only done one thing since seeing him in December and just have sex, coronavirus only came out in March if he wants to use that excuse. On the other hand, Im still married so it could be… Read more »

Jenelle
2 years ago

Any advice on getting back together with a ex? He wanted to be intimate without anything else. I wanted to be taken on a date first. He gave in and gave me that date! We went out to lunch. Of course now he’s pushing for sex. How long do I wait to be intimate?

Mitsy Aleksic
5 months ago
Reply to  Jenelle

Jenelle, I had this experience recently. I too felt the same. He also kept saying Im a man with feelings and if I see nothing getting serious as I want to get committed then Im going to back off, yet he can do days at times without calling. So today I realised, why not play the same game, just tell him Im busy and not that talkative lately and see how it makes him feel.
How is it all going with you though ?

Alicia
2 years ago

Ok. What if he was a player in the past (like you were), but he’s reached a time in his life and he’s ready to settle down?
Friends are telling me to stop seeing a guy because of his reputation, but he assures me that’s all in his past and I’m the one he wants. I’ve met his friends and family and he’s taken me on some lovely dates, but his past reputation is making me a little hesitant to commit to him.

Lee scott
11 months ago
Reply to  Alicia

I wouldn’t advise you to listen to your friend … go with your heart your friends are outside looking in but be very cautious with him and take heed to what your friends are saying and observe him.

7 months ago
Reply to  Lee scott

I don’t mean to crush your in-love heart, but don’t trust that. My ex was known by his entire school as a player, but he promised that he’d changed for me. I fell for it. Don’t make the same mistakes that I did, girl!

1 year ago

Yea i think é writer is totally ryt….ţhese guys need to be taught a lesson dey thnk us girlz ar baggage bt dey got another think coming deir way …..to Eric my heart breaker bt still luv u boo

soni
1 year ago

you are right…my boyfriend do all of those things and most of the times my instincts tells me he is cheating on me.. anytime we meet he wants to be intimate
and now that i know what to do i believe i am strong enough to leave the relationship

Cheng
1 year ago

I’m in long term relationship with a man in his 40’s.. from the beginning I knw that he’s just using me in many things specially in comes in financial he always asking me for money, but I discovered that he in relationships also with the old the girl,,and I’m too young . im always trying to understand and accept the way he is… I don’t why, I don’t knw how to get out over on it….
Seriously i want the to leave him but I dnt knw how to start.

1 year ago

Okay, so my guy matches some of these things, but not others. I feel like he’s definitely using me for sex (all he wants to do is sext), but he also wants to date me and be committed to me. He’s going through a rough patch in his life, so I think he might just be lonely, but I really don’t know. Him and I have been friends for years, so I know he’s a good guy, but I’m not sure if he’s boyfriend material. Advice? (BTW, we’re gay, if that helps at all)

mimi
1 year ago

The property manager sent over a handyman to assess the repairs I needed. We hit it off and began to text, talk and hangout which lead to sex and the beginnings of what I thought would be a interesting romance. He always arrived later then he said. He shared more about himself, his past, his life and liked how I listened. He told me that he received payment for doing my repairs but never did them. I did not care because I was enjoying his company and our intimacy in bed. One night he brought his dog over and told… Read more »

mimi
1 year ago

The property manager sent over a handyman to assess the repairs I needed. We hit it off and began to text, talk and hangout which lead to sex and the beginnings of what I thought would be a interesting romance. He always arrived later then he said. He shared more about himself, his past, his life and liked how I listened. He told me that he received payment for doing my repairs but never did them. I did not care because I was enjoying his company and our intimacy in bed. One night he brought his dog over and told… Read more »

Maria
1 year ago

I need help figuring this one one, please!
I’ve been seeing this guy for little over a year. He lives in different state than me and I’ve flown to see him multiple times. He hasn’t come to see me, though he talks about it he never will. He rarely texts me..mainly when it’s around his schedule …also found him camming with other girls. He tells me he wants to spend a long time with me and have a future together but I keep getting mixed signals. WHAT DO I DO???!

1 year ago
Reply to  Maria

Guys suck wish I could meet somebody with his own place that invite me to dinner or helps pay bills wen they are staying the night 30 days out of the month and makes me feel like I have support other then me being the support

Tracey
1 year ago
Reply to  Maria

Maria….dear Maria…….Honestly, as I never lie and 100% truth ALWAYS – Run! Don’t look behind you when you do or you’ll cave and stay with him! It’s like the kitten/puppy at the pet shop, you never hold it as you know you’ll end up taking it home!! In my home it actually happened I took home a kitten whom my son fell in love with ☺️ What is he giving to your emotional, spiritual, physical and/or sexual needs? On each level of a relationship – what is he giving you? Is he just kind of topping up from the last… Read more »

Linda
10 months ago

This platform
has really opened my mind and has also made me know my stage now thanks alot

10 months ago

The guy I’ve been seeing for 6 months seems to only come over for sex. We actually went out twice. He claims he works a lot and comes over late all the time. And he hardly texts only mostly after I text him. I have feelings for him and he says he does but I don’t feel it. I hardly see him and everytime I question the relationship he says he doesn’t want to end it. I don’t know what to do or say.

Maria

Mitsy
5 months ago
Reply to  Maria P Novak

Maria this kind of sounds like the same thing I am dealing with. AHHH MEN, lol, why do they have to be so damn confusing ?

Calista
10 months ago

So this guy has had a severe crush on me for a long time. And he Offered to do EVERYTHING for me. He came clean and I told him I liked him as well. After all this chasing- he tells me he doesn’t want a girlfriend but a fwb. Ok sure I guess? He then proceeds to take me to a fancy restaurant and spends HOURS talking to me when we go back home. We start kissing and then he pulls away because he was heated and didn’t want it to get into something else. He didn’t want to “disrespect”… Read more »

Monica
5 months ago

Can I personally reach out to you? I normally can tell if someone is a player however I am lost with this guy. He is either the smoothest player I have ever met or he is a really great guy. I have severe trust issues so I don’t know if its just all in my head putting it as its just another player or if my suspicion is correct

Monica
5 months ago
Reply to  Monica

for the basics: been somewhat seeing him for almost a month, at first neither were looking for serious relationship. well as we got to know each other the more i found myself liking him. Now i really like him and want to try for a real relationship but when mentioned in person what he was looking for exactly he wasn’t so sure and the way he stated it made me feel like he didn’t intend to get into a relationship at all. however when the topic is approached over text it is a different story he states stuff that implies… Read more »

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