Am I With the Wrong Person? Time to Quit or Commit?

Notes Summary:

Am I With the Wrong Person? How to Navigate Relationship Uncertainty

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that’s not terrible but not great, either? You’re not alone. This common yet rarely discussed situation leaves many people feeling stuck in “relationship purgatory.” Let’s explore this dilemma and discuss strategies to help you gain clarity.

The “Tenaciously Mediocre” Relationship

We’ve all known someone in this type of relationship, or perhaps experienced it ourselves. It’s characterized by:

1. A general feeling of “meh”
2. Not awful enough to leave, but not great enough to fully commit
3. Confusion about whether to stay or go

This situation often leads to what we call being “Adrift in Love,” characterized by the Three L’s:

1. Lonely: Craving closeness you’re not getting
2. Longing: Feeling like what you want is just out of reach
3. Languishing: Unable to make progress, feeling hopeless

5 Strategies to Gain Clarity

If you’re struggling with relationship uncertainty, try these five strategies:

1. Simplify Your Decision: Boil it down to three choices: Stay and accept as is, leave, or work to improve. You might even try the coin flip method – not to make the decision for you, but to reveal your true feelings about the outcome.
2. Set Guardrails: Benchmarks and Deadlines: Create clear markers for progress. What signs do you need to see? Set realistic deadlines for meaningful change.
3. Seek Outside Perspective: Ask yourself: If your friend was in this situation, what would you advise? Sometimes psychological distance can provide clarity.
4. Ask Two Defining Questions: Does your partner make you a better person, and vice versa? Do you think in terms of “we” rather than “you” and “I”?
5. Conduct a “Stay Interview”: Schedule a dedicated time to discuss your relationship. Focus on: What’s going well? What’s missing or needs improvement? How can you both take ownership of the situation? Remember to listen more than you speak during this conversation.

When Not to Make a Decision

Avoid making big decisions on exceptionally good or bad days. Aim to evaluate your relationship on a typical day for a more balanced perspective.

Final Thoughts

Navigating relationship uncertainty is challenging, but you’re not alone. These strategies can help you gain the clarity needed to make an informed decision about your future. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your happiness and well-being in a relationship.