Why You’ll Push Him Away If You Do THIS
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If you’re a woman killing it in all areas of your life, you are probably no stranger to giving your all to everything.
Experience has taught you that the more energy you put in, the more you get out.
The problem is this equation doesn’t work when applied to your love life.
One of our star students in our Love Accelerator program followed all the Little Love Steps to a tee. She got all the way to Little Love Step #6, is in an exclusive, committed relationship, and she and her partner agreed to delete their dating apps.
But the other day, in a mastermind session, she asked me, “should I ask him if he’s off the apps?”
I said, “no, he has already told you he is; you don’t need to verify that!”
Then she asked, “now that we’re in a committed relationship, should I ask him about where we’re going to live if this gets serious?”
Again, I said, “no, that type of go-getter energy that got you the guy will not help you keep the guy!”
If you try and rush things or control them too much in the early stages, you will push him away. Sometimes the key is to be present and enjoy where you’re at rather than constantly looking ahead.
So, here are some tips to help you not push him away.
- Relinquish control
I’ve been reading a fantastic book called Wild Problems by Russ Roberts, in which he writes about the challenge of knowing the right decision to make and that love falls into this category.
He explains that sometimes when we have a wild problem, we must let go of control.
He gives the analogy of a car skidding on ice. Your instinct might be to regain control of the vehicle by turning the wheel, but anyone who has been in this situation knows that this will only make things worse. You have to take your foot off the gas. And the same applies to relationships.
If a guy starts to pull away, instead of leaning in more and trying to fix it, take your foot off the gas. Let things stabilize again, and see where you land.
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- Make him miss you by being a person he should actually miss
When he’s with you, and you spend time together, it should be a fun, engaging experience.
And when he’s not with you, you should have a full, exciting life where you pursue your hobbies, interests, and passions.
Have a full, incredible life without him, and he will miss you when you’re not around.
- Move slower than him
Little Love Step #5 is all about pacing the progression of your connections. That means when you reach the point where you really like a guy and want to speed things up, you slow things down even further.
When you pace things this way, it will make him want to move even faster, and this helps to build desire and anticipation.
- Be cautiously optimistic
The final thing to remember to avoid pushing him away is that you won’t truly know someone until you’ve been dating them for about a year.
After two to three months, you might think you know everything there is to know about this guy, but you don’t!
So remind yourself of this while getting to know him, and be cautiously optimistic. Move at an intentional pace before you dive in too deep.
Have you ever pushed a guy away by moving too fast?
Let me know in the comments below!
I have experienced a guy pulling away from moving too fast, and really dedicated myself to slowing down in my current relationship. And right in this moment I can feel him pulling away and feel the anxiety building in my body, and was even contemplating having ‘the talk’ with him about this. I’m so glad I watched this video today and will be slowing myself down!
Don’t you dare corner him- take a trip! Go out with friends, and make sure he knows you are having fun without him! This will drive him crazy, and will want you more- if he’s into you!! Remember, a guy who really digs you, will do whatever it takes to be with you!! If he doesn’t, do you really want a wimpy guy?? Some guys are really lazy when it comes to dating, as so many young women do the pursuing these days… that needs to change!!
A year is WAY too long- that’s ridiculous. It’s a sign of the age we are living in, that we think we need to take that long. Plenty of older couples had a far shorter courtship- they were not afraid to trust themselves. “When you know, you know.” Also, #2- All I can think is, “1st WORLD PROBLEMS!” – How unrealistic! There are all sorts of people running around in this world, in all sorts of conditions. To expect that every single, eligible person must be pursuing their passions and having a fantastic life, etc- WHOAH!!!! That’s a luxury for… Read more »
After watching your video, I realize now this is exactly what I’m doing without realizing it. I am asking him about scenarios that might come up and how we will handle them if and when we live together. It looks like I need to back off and enjoy the moment and worry about that if and when we get to that point. Thank you for your advice.
Adam, I watch your videos and have taken a few of your courses, and I find your witty style and ‘from the guy’s perspective’ very interesting. I’m a woman in my sixties, (you wouldn’t know it though ;-), so I can’t imagine waiting an entire year to have some of these important conversations with my S.O. Every age in dating comes with its own set of rules so to speak. Sure, if you’re in your 20s, 30s, or even 40s you’ve got time to play wait and even some would argue, waste but after 50, I think most of us… Read more »
Im a cougar, I am 63, blond, thin, (ballroom dancer) so I look very good for my age. I get hit on all the time. But I have someone I love and he’s 13 years younger and acts and treats me like we’re in a relationship, but tells me it’s not interested in the BS of a relationship. (He’s had bad experiences) I respect his postion and tell him I just want to have fun, (we do, and get along great) I don’t want to get married. But I worry he’ll find someone else, thou he tells me he is… Read more »
Chris, I like to think of myself as a goddess, lol. I also date men up to 10 years younger than me, and when I tell them my age, they usually don’t believe me – which is precious! I’ve found many men in their 60s age much faster than women of the same age; they start to have problems with their sexual energy and just aren’t as fit as me. I have more sexual energy now than in my 30s and 40s, and I want a partner who can keep up. I haven’t decided if I want to get married… Read more »
Boy, I can relate!! I’m also in my fab 60’s, and have guys all ages hit on me! They don’t believe my age either- they think I’m in my 30’s!!! Too funny, but I do enjoy younger men. Boy, do I have stories! Older guys on the blue pill are pretty awesome though- as they have experience, wisdom, and usually want the same as you… time is of the essence. When you find someone special, your courtship has its own rhythm. No two are alike, and a man who wants you will seal a deal in whatever form- he doesn’t… Read more »
I really appreciate you laying out for women how we may be pushing men away. I definitely identify with being a high power, successful woman. If a man I have been dating doesn’t ask me out again but tells me he is still interested and is texting me sweet messages/calling me and then I don’t hear from him for days I think, I don’t want to be with a guy like this. I just want out and I want to move on. I start to pull away but I get nervous that if he reaches out again I won’t know… Read more »
I think this is why Adam and almost all dating and relationship coaches suggest dating multiple men simultaneously until a man is ready to make things exclusive. While I see the wisdom in this, and I see 3 men at a time, I find it sometimes exhausting to keep up. I want an exclusive relationship, but I find men are slow to get there (over 55 men, anyway). They are at the pinnacle of their careers, kids going into or already in college, traveling for work, and just plain tired on the weekends. They don’t really have the time or… Read more »
Or, they might still be married, and lying to both you and his spouse. My spouse has been seeing others for quite a few years, and his lies became quite obvious. He lies as easily and naturally as he breathes. Trust is gone. I’ve not divorced for personal reasons.
All of your advice is basically common sense. I experience men of all ages, and discover they’re the ones who want to rush things!! I pull away, and they pursue more- it’s kind of funny sometimes, as it’s the old saying, you want something more that’s hard to get! I am having so much fun flirting, meeting people, dating, and having a great social life after my boring marriage! Why on earth would I want to jump into another one right away?? Women are complicated creatures, men are very simple. Take your time ladies, and know your worth! Having fun… Read more »