When Should I Expect Him To Say “I Love You”?
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Notes from the podcast:
Navigating the “I Love You” Milestone in Relationships
Today, we’re addressing one of the biggest milestones in any new relationship and one of our clients’ most common concerns: “He hasn’t said ‘I love you’.”
There’s a lot wrapped up in those three little words. When a client asks why their partner hasn’t said “I love you,” what they’re really wondering is:
-Is this guy for real?
-Will he ever love me?
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-Am I lovable?
-Am I going to get my heart broken?
Today, we’ll discuss when you hope he says it and when you hope he doesn’t. We’ll explore why it might feel like it’s taking too long, why that can be both good and bad, the mistakes people make, and the two things we know are absolutely true about saying “I love you.”
Timing is Everything
Statistic: Research indicates that men typically say “I love you” about 107 days, or three and a half months, into a new relationship. Women, on average, say it after 122 days.
Saying It Too Soon (Definitely Problematic)
-It could be a sign of love bombing, anxious attachment, or his general neediness.
-Accelerating Physical Intimacy: Some guys use an early “I love you” to speed up physical intimacy.
CAUTION: The more you yearn for the “I love you,” the more susceptible you are to a
disingenuous or fake “I love you.”
-An Exception: It was a slip, something said out of habit (e.g., “That’s adorable, I love you”).
Saying It Too Late (Could Go Either Way)
-Bad: It might indicate avoidant attachment or disinterest, as he may create space to avoid getting hurt.
-Good: He’s being intentional and waiting. For example, one client’s partner waited six months before saying it to ensure the words were truly meaningful.
Two Big Mistakes
1. Hanging on Half Phrases (Don’t Obsess)
-Going into full “Love Detection” mode over phrases like “I’m falling for you,” “Love ya,” “Goodnight, my love,” or “You’re so lovable” often means reading into things that likely don’t have deep significance. These phrases might mean nothing or whatever you convince yourself they do.
2. Don’t Force It
-Asking, begging, guilting, or baiting him to say it isn’t effective. Even if he says it, you’ll be left questioning if he meant it or just said it to appease you.
Here’s the Truth
Truth #1: Saying It Doesn’t Matter
-Most people don’t remember who first said “I love you” or when it was said.
-The real challenge is not saying the words but meaning them and showing them through actions. Here are a few examples:
-Reminding you to wear your seatbelt or not to text while driving.
-Knowing how you take your coffee or your favorite ice cream flavor.
-Bringing you snacks when you’re sad or have had a tough day.
-Starting your car when it’s cold, making your favorite meal, surprising you with a note or flowers, or warming up your side of the bed before you get in.
Truth #2: It’s the Wrong Question
-Asking “When will he say ‘I love you’?” is essentially asking, “Does he love me?” While it’s a valid concern, it can be a needy question.
-A better question is, “How do you feel about him?” Independent of how you think he feels, assess your own feelings and why you feel that way.
-The key lesson is to put your own feelings first. Don’t feel obligated to love someone just because they love you, and don’t love someone out of fear of hurting them if you don’t.
Conclusion
Saying “I love you” is a significant milestone, but it’s the meaning and actions behind those words that truly matter. Focus on your own feelings and the quality of the relationship rather than fixating on when those three words are said. This approach leads to a healthier and more genuine connection.
Action speak louder than words. The guy im dating is honest, a true gentleman,
So sweet to me, kind and considerate.
We are on the same page and we are exclusive. We haven’t said I love you to each other yet, but im cool with that because how we treat each other. We both came out of horrible marriages.
I dont want to get married again, but if we are close partners for however long, im happy with that! We are both in our 60’s and are grandparents.
I’m a 68 year old widow, seeing a great man I met on a on-line dating site, for the last 4 months. He lives 2 miles from me. We are in sync with outlooks, core values, interests. He’s generous with money, driving, texting. We have spirited and fun conversations, and he loves my dog! What more could I ask for? Yet, I do not let myself fall easily…I have very high standards for myself, and need to feel that “spark”, which I don’t, yet. A couple of times he called me “my love”. When I asked about the meaning behind… Read more »
When a man after 33 years with a same woman divorced because he was punched to the gut for years, and abuse him and now at 59 years trying to restart his life, dating feels for him to be again in a cage and doesn’t want to commit eventhough is not looking for another person, but in the other side enjoy the love, the care, the attention and for days or sometimes could be a couple of weeks doesn’t not communicate, unless the woman reach out to him, he acts like nothing happened and like yes I’m up to anything… Read more »
Maybe it’s better to have no expectations then you avoid disappointment. I’m with a dismissive avoidant i’ve figured out so he doesn’t get it. He typed out “of course i love you” when a friend told me he didn’t want a long term relationship with me and he wanted to be with a younger woman w/ no kids. He denied he had said any of that. So not sure but we’re still together and were at two years. I tel him sometimes that i love him. Our relationship sounds like the typical casual relationship but was more passionate at the… Read more »
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Wondering when he’ll say “I love you”? Timing varies, but men often say it around 107 days into a relationship, while women say it a bit later. Rushing or delaying can signal underlying issues. Instead of fixating on when it will be said, focus on the meaning and actions behind the words. Genuine love is shown through consistent actions and care, not just through verbal declarations. To amplify your content’s reach and boost SEO, use A2Bookmarks South Africa dofollow social bookmarking website to enhance visibility and credibility.