No Contact Rule: 9 HUGE Benefits of Going Silent After a Breakup
You hear about this no contact rule thing…your friends say is a great idea for you right now since the guy you were dating just ended things…but you’re not sure.
Pick up that phone and text him that you miss him…
Go on Facebook to see what he’s doing and who he’s hanging out with …
“Accidentally” bump into him at his favorite bar as if, “wow I didn’t expect to see you here!”
But I’m here to tell you: these are all really bad ideas.
Look Sexy Confident lady, there’s a reason why people are talking about the no contact rule. It works. The more time you have away from the guy that broke your heart, the more you can get your head straight and figure out what you really want. Maybe you want to get back together. Maybe you don’t. But you won’t know until you’ve had some time away.
What is the No Contact Rule?
Okay, let me break it down for you: with the no contact rule, you go 21 days without interacting with that guy that broke your heart.
No Instagram likes.
Does it work? Look, I’ve coached hundreds of women — and men — and when we’re dealing with a breakup, I have never seen anything good come of staying in touch with an ex right after the split.
Either it makes the woman want him more…even if they’re not a good fit…
Or the man has no incentive to miss her and woo her back.
However, I’ve seen amazing results with women who could commit to that 3 weeks following the no contact rule. These women had time to clear their heads and really consider what they wanted.
Some realized that they were mooning over the wrong man. Once they realized that and let him go, they found the real love they’d been looking for.
Others had time and space to realize that this man was worth fighting for. The men also had a chance to realize what a good thing they’d given up. Those folks got back together and have even stronger relationships than they did before.
Either way, you’re better off for having some mental and emotional distance from this man. Let’s look at a few other benefits of following the no contact rule.
1. You Win Your Power Back
When a guy dumps you, you lose your power in the relationship. After all, he made the decision to end things. You had no say in the matter.
If you keep in contact, you might be obsessing over him and your relationship, which also takes power away from you.
But if he starts sniffing around, wanting you back, now’s your chance to get that control of the situation.
I’m not encouraging a power play between you and your ex, but I am saying that you need to regain control of your mind and heart, and then set the tempo for things if you do reconcile.
Following the no contact rule allows you to busy your mind with other things so that you’re not focused on him and what he’s doing. You’re not wondering if he wants you back.
If he’s trying to get back together, taking those three weeks shouldn’t change that fact. Honestly, it should make him want you more because he had to wait. You’re essentially communicating: “I’m open to talking about things, but I need some space to work through my feelings. Be patient with me.”
Suddenly, you’ve got the power.
2. You Allow Yourself Time to Heal
Consider your relationship like a drug. If you want to break your addiction, you detox. You go cold turkey. Eventually, those drugs work themselves out of your system and you can function normally again.
This man is your drug. You’re used to having him in your life and in your heart, so right after a breakup, it’s understandable that you can’t imagine moving forward without him. But that might be the best move for you.
Your first and foremost goal right now should be to heal that heartbreak. You can’t do that if you’re still talking to him or scrolling through his Facebook feed.
Even if you do ultimately get back together, you still need to heal. Because the way this relationship was working…wasn’t working. Things need to change. You need to rip out the walls and rebuild on your foundation.
You might need to reflect on how you were in the relationship and make some changes moving forward. He might, too.
Having time away gives you the opportunity to see things clearly. You might realize that you were selfish, and then you can work on learning to be a better partner.
You might realize this relationship was destined to go nowhere, and you can learn to be whole on your own so that you are open to finding real and sustainable love.
Don’t rush it. Take this time for you. Journal. Talk to friends. Cry. It’s all part of the healing process.
3. You Let New Energy In
The longer you put your attention on this man, the breakup, and what went wrong, the more that negative energy seeps in. You’re far from your normal Sexy Confident self.
Adhering to the no contact rule, on the other hand, dispels that negative energy and gives you a chance to feel whole again.
When you’re not constantly waiting for the sound of his text, you can put your attention on other things. You can get back to activities you enjoyed before your relationship (your tennis game is looking pretty rusty; why not start there?) and spend time with friends you maybe have been neglecting a bit.
4. You Kill The Fantasy of a The Perfect Relationship
Look, I’ve gotta be honest. I think the whole fairytale genre and romcom industry has done women a disservice. They paint a false picture of what love and relationships should be like, and make it too easy for women to build fantasies around their actual relationships.
When those fantasies fracture, you’re left in pain.
The reality is that this guy isn’t perfect. He may, in fact, not be the guy for you. I know you don’t want to hear that right now (I deliver hard truths), but it’s better to kill that fantasy and get to what’s below it so that you can come face to face with reality.
It probably won’t look the way you want it to, but at least you’re not seeing love through rose-colored glasses anymore.
5. You Stop Reliving Your Mistakes Over and Over Again
“If I hadn’t yelled at him that one time, we’d still be together…”
“I slept with him too soon…”
“I shouldn’t have ordered that hamburger in front of him. He’s vegan for chrissakes!”
I know that you’re probably spinning your wheels, recounting every mistake you made in this relationship. You’re beating yourself up about it, sure that you’re the reason things ended badly.
Look, I’m not saying you were 100% innocent in the demise of your relationship, but replaying your reel of mistakes isn’t doing you any good.
Following the no contact rule helps you step out of that self-critical hamster wheel to see the bigger picture. Whether you made mistakes or not, the plain and simple truth just might be that you weren’t meant to be.
I know it sounds like BS, but think about it: if you’re meant to be with one amazing person for the bulk of your life, it’s going to be a bit of a challenge to find him. I know you wanted this guy to be the one…but he might not have been.
So cut yourself some slack.
6. You Give Yourself Time to Grieve
In my Winning Him Back program, I talk about the five stages of grief after a breakup.
At first, probably where you are right now, you’re in denial. Things aren’t really over. He just needs to realize how amazing you are. Am I right?
Or maybe you’re already angry. You have a lot you want to say to him (and none of it polite).
Maybe you’re ready to fix things, to bargain to make the pain go away.
You might be in a deep funk, unable to leave your couch.
You’re probably not yet to acceptance, so we’ll leave that aside for now until after you adhere to the no contact rule. But in each of these stages, following the no contact rule can only benefit you. You need to take time to grieve and to work through the subsequent stages of the process.
You will let go of your anger. You will realize that bargaining isn’t necessary. You will start to see the sun again. And yes, eventually, you will accept the breakup. I can’t tell you how long it will take you to work through all of this. It’s different for everyone. But I can tell you that you absolutely will have to work through the grieving process. There’s no getting around it.
Whether you get back together or not, you have to first grieve what is no more.
7. It Stops You From Looking Desperate
When you contact your ex a lot after a breakup, do you realize how that makes you look?
I know you think you’ve got to tell him how you feel right now, but please believe me: you’re not in the right frame of mind to do so. And he’s probably not in the right space to hear it.
Have a little dignity. Respect yourself. Do whatever it takes to not contact him for those three weeks so that you don’t reek of desperation.
Many years ago, I dated someone for about two months. I ended things …and she texted me every night for a week after the breakup.
If there ever were a chance that I wanted to get back with her, every text she sent was just another reason not to even consider it. She came off as, frankly, needy and pathetic, and any attraction I’d previously felt for her was gone.
8. You Remember: Life is Good, Even Without Your Ex
Being in a relationship feels good, doesn’t it? Scientific studies show that couples in a relationship are happier and less stressed.
So as soon as you find yourself out of a relationship, it’s natural to assume that life sucks.
Only…you weren’t always in a relationship. You had interests and a social circle before you started dating him. You went out. You did things.
Yes, it will take a while to get back into the groove of your old hobbies and habits, but following that no contact rule can expedite the process and remind you that you don’t need a man in your life.
9. You Can Find Yourself Again…and Your Identity
Many women sorta…lose themselves in a relationship. They spend so much time with a man that they start to forget their own identity.
If that describes you, you’re far from alone, but it’s time to use a map to find yourself again.
If you remove your ex from the equation…
What do you enjoy doing?
Who do you like spending time with?
What personality quirks can shine through?
It’s only natural that we change a little when we have a partner. We might subdue one aspect of our personality (like dancing around the house naked) in an effort to align more with what we think that person wants.
The truth is: the right man will want you to be authentic. He won’t want the watered-down version of you. He’ll want you on full-blast.
So if you haven’t been turning up the volume of Radio You, look at this no contact period as the perfect opportunity to do just that.
I don’t want you to think of this no contact rule as a game to win him back. The purpose of taking this time away from your ex is totally and completely for you.
You are absolutely worth the time and energy it will take during those three weeks to figure out what you really want.
It may be this guy.
It may not be this guy.
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But either way, you need to assess and own your feelings about the relationship as well as about yourself in general to determine what comes next for you.
You might need more than three weeks, and that’s fine. Take as long as you need. Because it’s your heart, and only you can determine what it wants.
Talk to me. Have you ever followed the no contact rule? How did it go? What results did you get?
My 3-step system, Winning Him Back, will help you shut down feelings of panic (the no contact rule is in there) so you can rebuild your personal identity and make yourself a better partner this time around. Get started here.