Remember dating in your twenties? It was carefree and easy. You focused on potential and dreams, fun with very few problems. Life hadn’t really gotten in the way yet. But in midlife, that’s rarely true. Kids, parents, exes, jobs, retirement plans, travel, health – the list of “it” that complicates things goes on and on.

You know you need to talk about IT. Maybe IT’s driving you nuts, or bothering you, and you’re not sure what your partner thinks or how they feel. Do they even know IT’s an issue? Is IT intentional? Why is IT this way? It doesn’t matter what the “IT” is, we’ve all been there – caught in the mental death spiral of needing to talk about something with our partner, but desperately not wanting it to be awkward or uncomfortable.

In today’s podcast, we’re going to help you:

• Identify key pressure points/triggers in your relationship.

• Take the leap to talk about those difficult topics.

• Show you how those conversations can be a lot easier than you think.

The Relationship Pressure Points: 5 Conversations Couples Dread

In relationships, there are plenty of hot and tough topics that can feel like walking on eggshells:

• Money: Debt, spending habits, financial goals, income differences, and who pays for what.

• Sex: How much, how often, what type, when, where, likes/dislikes, and techniques.

• Boundaries with External Relationships: Ex-partners, family/in-laws, friends, social media, work, outside demands on time/attention, and jealousy.

• Present Status: What are we? Voicing concerns or things you don’t like; revealing things about yourself; feeling like the relationship isn’t equal or there isn’t enough support. This includes defining the relationship (“DTR”) or admitting “our relationship is getting stale.”

• Future Planning: Living arrangements, children/parenting, career/work-life balance, retirement, and the overall relationship future (“Where is this going?”).

I once dated someone in NYC, and a conversation about our future went sideways fast, with her concluding, “You’re just using me.” These conversations are vital, and knowing how to approach them makes all the difference.

You’ve Got to Talk About It

Small problems, if left unaddressed, grow. Think of each problem as a brick you’re placing between you and your partner. Eventually, these bricks stack up too high, creating an impenetrable wall. You’re racking up emotional debt. As Neil Strauss wisely put it, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.”

Avoiding conversations, ignoring problems, or convincing yourself it doesn’t matter is not a solution. Trying to “just not think about it” is as effective as trying not to think about a pink elephant right now – impossible.

Communication is the first solution to any problem. You need to develop this skill to manage and nurture any relationship effectively.

How to Make Uncomfortable Conversations Easier

Here’s how to navigate those tough talks with more ease:

1. Have a Conversation About Having a Conversation: Sneak up on it a bit. Let your partner know you’d like to talk about something and then schedule it. This helps you avoid impulsivity and saying things you’ll regret, and it doesn’t surprise your partner. Think of it like sending an agenda before a meeting so everyone is prepared. This gives both of you a chance to organize your thoughts, leading to a more productive and manageable discussion. The start truly sets the tone.

2. Generous Interpretations / Good Faith Conversation: Approach each interaction believing that your partner is acting with good intentions, even if their words or actions feel negative or hurtful. Your partner isn’t a bad person; they likely have positive intentions (or at least not negative ones). Give them the benefit of the doubt that they didn’t mean to be mean, annoy you, hurt your feelings, or be disrespectful.

3. Be Curious (Avoid Assumptions/Conclusions): Enter the conversation with a mindset of what you can learn to better understand the situation and your partner. Use curiosity conversation prompts like:

   • “Tell me more…”

   • “Help me understand…”

   • “What am I not seeing?”

   • “How did you arrive at that conclusion?”

   • “Why do you think that happened?”

   • “What do you believe led to that?”

   • “How do you see this turning out?”
     If you sense your partner is hurt, mad, or frustrated, ask: “What am I missing? What am I not understanding? What do I have to learn here?” These aren’t just phrases to say; they should be your genuine mentality.

4. If Things Get Heated, Bookmark Your Conversation: If you feel things getting too heated, personal, or frantic, establish a cool-down period (20 minutes, an hour, etc.). This helps avoid impulsivity and gives you both space. Crucially, establish a specific time to return to the conversation. This makes it clear you aren’t avoiding it, refusing to talk, not listening, or stonewalling.

5. When They’re Sharing With You: Ask yourself: Do they want to be helped or heard? Start by assuming it’s just about being heard. Don’t listen to reply; listen to understand. The more upset your partner is, the more you have to listen.
   If an apology is needed, own your part. Thank them for sharing their concern, acknowledging that you wouldn’t have known otherwise and wouldn’t have been able to improve. This is huge: you’re modeling how you’d like them to respond when they mess up. Give what you want to get. You shouldn’t feel like it’s all on you to apologize; they’ll have their turn eventually. A simple, “I wasn’t my best self…I will work on being better,” can go a long way.

Mastering these uncomfortable conversations is a skill that will strengthen your relationships immeasurably. Which of these tips will you try first?