Is He Wrong For You? The ONLY Break Up Text You’ll Ever Need

Notes from the podcast:

The Reality of Dating

Success in dating often hinges on meeting a lot of people. However, the harsh truth is that most people won’t be the right match for you. This reality makes it crucial to develop a skill many of us dread: ending relationships. In the dating world, we call this “NEXTing.”

The Problem with Ending Relationships

Ending a relationship isn’t something that comes naturally to most people. It’s awkward and uncomfortable. Research by Samantha Joel highlights a common phenomenon known as progression bias, where individuals tend to stay in relationships longer than they should, trying to make things work rather than ending them. This tendency is a major time waster and prolongs emotional pain. To navigate dating successfully, you must adopt the mindset of dating slow and dumping fast.

The Main Obstacle: You’re a Nice Person

One of the biggest challenges in ending relationships is that, as a considerate person, you care about others’ feelings. You want to be kind and let them down easily. However, it’s important to remember that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings, assuming you are not being a complete jerk. Repeat after me: “You’re NOT responsible for other people’s feelings.”

The Only Break-Up Line You’ll Ever Need

Here’s a simple and effective way to end a relationship:

“I’ve really liked getting to know you and enjoyed our time together. But I’m not feeling the type of connection I was hoping for. I wish you the best in finding what you deserve.” While the exact wording isn’t magical, there are critical components you need to get right.

Breaking Up with Compassion: The Three Key Pieces

1. They’re a Good Person

Convey that you think they’re great and had a good time but still want to move on. This helps prevent defensiveness and protects their self-esteem. Avoid giving specific reasons why it didn’t work, even if they ask. It’s unproductive and can lead to arguments.

Example: “You’re a great person, you’re just not my person.”

2. Ownership of Your Feelings

Focus on your feelings and not on what they did. You’re entitled to your emotions, and they should respect that. They deserve someone who feels a strong connection.

Example: “As great as things were, I’m not feeling what I hoped to. This is entirely about me. You’re a great person.”

3. Clarity and Closure

Make it clear that it’s over to avoid giving false hope. Remember, closure is kindness. Letting them go allows them to find the right person for them, which ultimately brings them closer to their goal.

Example: “I wish you the best in finding what you deserve. This is goodbye.”

Common Mistakes to Avoid

1. Giving Specific Reasons: Don’t provide specific reasons even if they ask. It’s not productive and can lead to unnecessary arguments.

2. Offering Friendship: Avoid saying you can stay friends. This often gives false hope and prevents them from moving on.

3. Leaving the Door Open: Phrases like “I’ll see you around” or “Maybe we’ll reconnect” can give false hope. Be clear that it’s over.

Handling Post-Breakup Contact

If they contact you again to re-litigate the breakup, ignore them. There’s nothing else to say, and nothing has changed. If they were argumentative or mean during the breakup, block them. They don’t deserve more of your mental energy. Be prepared for certain guys to lash out when they’re hurt. Remember, their mean words are a reflection of them, not you.

Conclusion

Mastering the art of ending relationships is a crucial skill in dating. Using these strategies, you can end things compassionately and clearly, saving your time and emotional energy. Remember, NEXTing is about respecting your feelings and theirs, allowing you to move closer to finding the right person.