Love is often sold as a fairy tale—simple, perfect, and a lifelong state of bliss. But real relationships are far more complex, and sometimes, they don’t end with a bang, but with a slow, silent erosion. One day you’re laughing over dinner, and the next you’re sitting in silence, wondering how the emptiness crept in.

Infidelity isn’t a single act; it’s a complex, multifaceted behavior. All affairs are not created equal—some are brief, opportunistic moments, while others are calculated and long-term. Today, we’re diving into the science of why people stray and who they’re likely to stray with.

The Surprising Reasons Why People Cheat

We often assume that men cheat for sex, and while that can be a factor, it’s a vast oversimplification. One study of nearly 500 cheaters found that most of the key motivations had nothing to do with sex at all. As renowned therapist Esther Perel notes, sometimes people cheat not because they’re looking for another person, but because they’re seeking to rediscover a lost part of themselves. An affair can be a way to feel alive, to break the rules, and to feel free from the constraints of their everyday life.

But what do these affairs actually look like? The study found that women’s affairs tended to be longer than men’s. And while kissing, cuddling, and even sex were common, intimate conversations were nearly as prevalent, with almost 40% of cheaters reporting deep, meaningful talks with their affair partner. The data suggests that for many, infidelity is about emotional connection as much as, if not more than, physical intimacy.

Do Some People Want to Get Caught?

We think of cheating as a secret endeavor, but sometimes, a cheater’s behavior seems to invite discovery. Some individuals who were cheating because of a lack of love in their primary relationship were more likely to go on public dates or engage in public displays of affection. This behavior can be a subconscious cry for help or an inability to end the primary relationship on their own. Instead of having a difficult conversation, they force their partner’s hand, using the affair as a messy, painful exit strategy.

The Aftermath: Confession and Consequences

If an affair is discovered, does it automatically mean the end of the relationship? Not always. In fact, only about 1 in 5 relationships ended directly because of an affair. Nearly a quarter of couples stayed together even after the infidelity came to light. The vast majority of affairs also don’t lead to a new, committed relationship; only about 1 in 10 actually do.

Women were more likely to confess their affairs than men. Those who came clean were also more likely to be forming a new relationship with their affair partner, suggesting that the confession was part of a planned transition to a new life.

Who is Most Likely to Get Cheated On?

While we should never blame the victim, research suggests that certain personality traits can make some people more susceptible to infidelity. According to a study of over 1,500 adults, those who were less conscientious (meaning they were less responsible, organized, and hard-working) were more likely to have been cheated on.

Among married individuals, those who scored higher in agreeableness—meaning they were warm, forgiving, and compassionate—were also more likely to have experienced infidelity. The researchers theorized that these traits might make it easier for a cheater to rationalize their behavior or assume they’ll be forgiven, thus lowering the perceived consequences of their actions.

How to Catch a Cheater: The Digital Breadcrumbs

The internet is full of resources on “how to cheat without getting caught.” By reverse-engineering this advice, we can create a checklist for what to look for if you suspect your partner is being unfaithful. While physical clues like a stray eyelash or a new perfume scent are common, a cheater’s digital footprint can be even more telling.

Some common digital red flags include:

• Sudden phone guarding. Your partner is secretive with their phone, always has it with them, and angles the screen away from you.

• Checking device sync activity. Check Apple ID or Google accounts for connected devices you don’t recognize.

• Location history. Google Maps and Apple’s “Significant Locations” can reveal unusual patterns or frequent visits to new places.

• Installed and deleted apps. Watch for secure messaging apps like Signal or ProtonMail suddenly appearing or disappearing from their phone.

• Digital payment monitoring. Check for small transfers to unknown people on apps like Venmo or unusual charges from ride-share services.

While these tools can provide evidence, take a moment to consider what it means to be a digital detective in your own relationship. If you’re willing to go this far to find the truth, it might be time for a direct conversation.