The internet loves a catchy new term, especially when it sparks a heated debate. Lately, “mankeeping” has been making waves, portrayed by outlets like the New York Post as the “emotional labor sucking the life out of straight women.” It sounds awful, right? The exhausting, unpaid gig of managing men’s moods, stress, and social lives while trying to stay afloat yourself.

And yes, it can be awful. But as intelligent, thoughtful women, we know there’s often more to the story than a clickbait headline. We’re here to unpack “mankeeping” – not to dismiss women’s valid frustrations, but to offer a perspective that ultimately makes dating easier and more joyful, especially if you plan on dating men.

Is “Mankeeping” Driving Women Out of the Dating Pool?

The common narrative suggests that “mankeeping” is so draining it’s causing women to opt out of dating entirely. They’re exhausted, annoyed, and feel taken advantage of. Dealing with men, it seems, just isn’t worth the effort. Women already have enough on their plates; they don’t need more.

Let’s define emotional labor as it often appears in this discourse: “mental activity required to manage or perform the routine tasks necessary for maintaining relationships and ensuring smooth running of a household or process, typically regarded as an unappreciated or unacknowledged burden borne disproportionately by women.” Essentially, it’s being someone’s mental personal assistant—managing their emotions, boosting their ego, and making them feel good about themselves.

Take the example of a client who broke things off with a guy but agreed to be friends. He then used her as his personal emotional dumping ground. This isn’t fair, and it’s certainly not what a healthy friendship or relationship looks like.

However, this focus on “mankeeping” can create a negativity bias that quickly spirals into a confirmation bias. If you’re constantly on the lookout for it, you might start over-diagnosing “mankeeping” everywhere, even in benign, sweet, or vulnerable moments. This mindset can lead you to:

• Vilify the benign: Overgeneralizing “all men” based on a few negative experiences.

• Embrace the tyranny of low expectations: Excusing genuinely bad behavior because you expect nothing more.

• Give up on dating men entirely: Throwing in the towel because the perceived effort isn’t worth it.

If you genuinely want to date men, this mindset is problematic.

Why the “Problem” with Mankeeping Isn’t Always a Problem

Let’s be clear: low-effort men exist. We’ve all encountered the “group project partner” who expects you to do all the work. Those men are not what we’re talking about here.

But the term “mankeeping” often overlooks crucial aspects of healthy relationships:

• It assumes zero positives: This narrative often fails to acknowledge what the man might be contributing to the relationship. What “keeping” does he do for you? Relationships should never feel entirely transactional.

• It vilifies desirable behavior: “Emotional care” (a less sensational term for emotional labor) is a huge part of relationships! Relationships are built on support and require mutual sacrifice. If you’re unwilling to put in this “work,” you’re not seeking a partnership; you’re seeking a servant.

The Better Way to Think About “Mankeeping”: Mutual Support

The solution isn’t a “race to the bottom” mentality where you do less. That only creates resentment and distance. The goal isn’t to not do emotional labor; it’s to find a man who embraces doing HIS part too.

Support in a relationship must be mutual give-and-take. This doesn’t mean meticulous scorekeeping, which can quickly poison a relationship. Research on communal vs. exchange relationships shows that the most fulfilling partnerships operate on a “sometimes you, sometimes me, always us” philosophy.

Sacrifice should be mutual and minor, not requiring major life overhauls or shifts in identity.

Ultimately, instead of focusing on “mankeeping” as a burden, let’s reframe it as mutual emotional care—an essential ingredient for a thriving, supportive, and truly equal partnership. By shifting our perspective, we can stop vilifying genuine connection and start building relationships where both partners feel seen, supported, and cherished.