For decades, we’ve been operating under the assumption that men and women are so fundamentally different, they might as well be from Mars and Venus. Phrases like “men are logical, women are emotional” and “men need space, women need closeness” have become ingrained dating gospel.

The problem? It’s a lie.

Extensive research, analyzing over 13,000 people and 100+ relationship traits, has concluded that it is “untrue that men and women think about their relationships in qualitatively different ways.” And yet, the myth persists, limiting our expectations and actively destroying intimacy. When you buy into this “Men vs. Women” story, you stop connecting and start merely tolerating or excusing behaviors that are far from ideal.

It’s time to bust these gender myths and focus on the overwhelming similarities that are the true building blocks of deep connection.

1. The Stereotypes Are Flipped

The first step to building a better partnership is realizing that what you think you know for sure may be wrong.

Take the phrase “I love you.” Who do you think says it first? Most people guess women—around 75% of the time. The reality, according to research, is that men say “I love you” first 64% of the time. Men also fall in love faster and are more likely to believe “love conquers all.” Meanwhile, women tend to be the pragmatic ones, asking rational questions like: Does he have a job? Is he reliable?

The stereotypes are often completely inverted! The traditional “female” approach sounds rational and logical, while the “male” love conquers all mentality sounds emotional.

2. Don’t Confuse “Different” with “Meaningful”

Are there differences between men and women? Of course. Height, body shape, and certain hobbies might differ. But when it comes to psychological and relationship-relevant traits—like self-esteem, personality, values, and communication—men and women are overwhelmingly similar.

A massive meta-synthesis of 100 meta-analyses found that 85% of gender differences were small or very small. Think of it like this: Vanilla and French Vanilla are technically different, but the difference isn’t big enough to change anyone’s life. Focusing on small, irrelevant differences blinds you to the massive area of overlap where true compatibility lies.

3. Escape the Tyranny of Low Expectations

Beliefs like “men are bad communicators” or “women are too sensitive” are not harmless observations. They become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This is the cycle: You expect your partner to have negative gender-related qualities (like poor communication). When they inevitably display a flaw, you aren’t surprised—you tolerate it because “that’s just how men/women are.” You get stuck tolerating far-from-ideal relationship behaviors because your low expectations have created low results. When you expect the worst, you often get the worst.

4. Focus on Similarities and Human Qualities

The antidote to all of these damaging myths is to consciously pivot your focus.

• Focus on Similarities: Similarity builds closeness; differences create distance. Attraction and compatibility thrive on shared values, traits, and worldview. Stop looking for reasons to be adversaries and start looking for ways to be teammates and allies.
• Focus on Skills, Not Gender: Instead of labeling traits as “guy stuff” or “girl stuff,” start thinking of them as human qualities or skills. For instance, if you believe a man can’t be thoughtful, you believe the situation is hopeless. But if you see thoughtfulness as a skill that anyone can grow and develop, you open the door for change, effort, and real intimacy.

Men and women are not from different planets. We are far more alike than you’ve been told, and you’re better off ditching the stereotypes and building your partnership on common ground.