“It’s the apps… they’re the problem.” “It’s modern dating.” “All these guys today are emotionally unavailable!”

We’ve all heard the complaints, maybe even said them ourselves. While it’s true that emotionally unavailable guys ARE OUT THERE, they’re not the only ones. Sweet, caring, emotionally available, high-quality men exist, but you might be so focused on the exciting chaos of the wrong type that you’re completely missing them.

Why? Because you’re not looking the right way, noticing the signs, or giving the safe guys a real chance.

In our latest podcast, we strip away the excuses and reveal the truth about dating men who can’t commit. Here’s a sneak peek at the five-point checklist you can use right now to spot the elusive, often charming, but ultimately unfulfilling Emotionally Unavailable Man (EUM)—and why you might be drawn to him.

1. He’s a Master of “Counterfeit Closeness”

This guy is a conversational powerhouse. He talks A LOT, filling up all the space with funny stories, tales of his crazy work schedule, or witty observations about traffic. It’s often highly amusing, and you’ll have a good time, but in reality, he’s substituting quantity for quality.

He’s taking up all the air so you can’t ask tough, emotional questions. His conversations are superficial—work, funny anecdotes, and lots of “junk food” talk (complaining about the apps, being stressed, bad weather). These topics are easy, relatable, and create a brief, commiserative connection that feels like intimacy, but isn’t. He’s giving you a lot of noise, but zero substance.

2. His Words Don’t Match His Actions

This is the classic, yet often overlooked, sign. The EUM is a master of saying the right things, but his follow-through is non-existent. He’s a pro at excuses and explanations. He’s inconsistent and unreliable.

Worse, he can be absolutely AMAZING in short bursts—think Bachelor-esque dates that sweep you off your feet. These moments are fun, but fun isn’t the same as fulfilling. If you find yourself consistently feeling let down because his actions don’t back up his promises, you’re with an EUM.

3. He Keeps You on the Outer Circle

How often do you truly feel let into his world? With an emotionally available partner, you meet their friends, hang out with their family, and are integrated into their life. The EUM, however, keeps you to himself.

You rarely meet (or hang out much with) his friends, and you certainly won’t be invited to the family dinner. Be careful not to mistake this for feeling special or unique. People share what they are proud of—look at social media for proof! If you feel like a hidden gem he’s keeping tucked away, you’re on the outer circle, and he’s not truly proud to have you.

4. He’s Evasively Mysterious (and You’re Hooked)

This is the sappy romance novel version of bad qualities—vague, inconsistent, unreliable, and withholding. When you ask “where this is going,” he deflects.

The EUM brings uncertainty because he simply can’t bring the substance. This is what we call dopamine dating. His hot-and-cold behavior (sometimes he’s affectionate, most times he’s distant) is like gambling. You don’t know when the “hit” of attention is coming, and you become addicted to the anticipation. That delicious, agonizing yearning you feel isn’t what true love feels like—it’s an addiction to attention.

5. You Feel Lonely

Everyone assumes loneliness only happens when you’re physically alone. But nothing is more painful than lonely in love.

If you’re with a partner and still feel a deep sense of longing, yearning, or emotional isolation, that’s a massive red flag. Why do you accept this? Often, it’s because you believe in scarcity and are willing to accept less than great.

True love with an emotionally available man feels safe, certain, reliable, and dependable. It doesn’t come with the drama of being hot-and-cold, because true connection replaces uncertainty with peace.

The Bottom Line

You are choosing these men. But the great news is that once you can spot the counterfeit closeness and the empty promises, you can step away from the emotional rollercoaster and finally see (and choose!) the steady, high-quality men who are ready for a real connection.