The Attraction Myth That’s Ruining Your Relationships

Notes From the Podcast:

We’ve all heard the age-old adage that “opposites attract.” It’s a romantic notion that has been perpetuated in countless rom-coms and Hallmark movies.

The story goes like this: a white-collar, work-obsessed city dweller meets a down-to-earth, rough-around-the-edges person from a small town. At first glance, they seem entirely wrong for each other, and they don’t particularly like each other because they are opposites.

However, they eventually come together, go through some ups and downs, and ultimately reconcile and rekindle their love in a tumultuous journey. He’s the person she never saw coming, the one she wasn’t actively seeking but somehow knew in her heart that she needed. It all sounds quite magical, doesn’t it? Well, it’s time to debunk this myth.

 

Why it Seems that Opposites Attract

The idea that opposites attract often stems from a lay theory that many of us hold. We fear boredom and believe that the relationship will become monotonous if we’re too similar to our partner. We’ve heard phrases like, “If we’re too much alike, it’ll be boring,” or “No one wants to date their clone.” This concept also fits nicely into the idea of balance, with the notion that one partner balances out the other, creating a yin-yang dynamic, such as outgoing versus quiet.

 

But What About Those Long-Term Relationships?

We often look to our grandparents as examples of couples who are complete opposites, yet they’ve managed to stay together for decades. We should be asking whether they are genuinely happy or merely tolerating each other’s differences. It’s possible to make it work by forcing yourself to tolerate the disparities, but is this truly the ideal scenario?

 

We Are Not True Opposites

Most of us have our own “opposites attract” stories in our relationships. We believe that the myth must be true because we notice differences between ourselves and our partners. However, we often fail to recognize that these differences are not true opposites but rather different preferences.

 

What Opposites Mean

Consider traits like introverted versus extroverted, agreeable versus disagreeable, a preference for adventure sports versus being a homebody, a love for the beach versus the mountains, or being messy versus a clean freak. While these differences may seem like they would lead to relationship bliss, the reality is quite the opposite. Differences often result in friction at best and conflict at worst.

 

Imbalance Between Men and Women

One common misconception is that men and women are fundamentally opposites, with women being more open, communicative, and caring while men are not. This notion leads to a problematic dynamic where one person’s good traits should balance out the other’s bad traits. Seeking opposites can sometimes mean tolerating what you should be avoiding, and it’s crucial to aim for a balance of masculine and feminine characteristics within each person rather than trying to balance them across two individuals.

 

Boring Isn’t So Bad

Predictability, stability, harmony, comfort, and safety are vital aspects of a lasting relationship. These elements are what can sustain a partnership for 50 years or more.

 

The ONE Way “Opposites” Work

The truth is that “opposites” working in a relationship isn’t about being opposite but rather complementary. A partner might possess traits that you aspire to have but currently lack. For example, if you are super conservative and predictable, you may be attracted to someone who’s more spontaneous because you desire more carefree qualities in your life.

 

A Side Thought: Self-Reflection

Consider the idea that you might only be attracted to opposites when you don’t like who you are as a person. It’s worth exploring why you’re drawn to those who are so different from you.

 

The Strategy: The Golden Rule of Attraction

In the end, the golden rule of attraction is similarity. Any person you’re attracted to will have areas opposite to your traits, but it’s essential to recognize that you like them despite those differences.

 

Final Thought

Remember that the myth of opposites attracting is just that—a myth. True compatibility and lasting relationships often stem from shared values, interests, and similar outlooks on life. Embrace the common ground you share with your partner, and you’ll likely find a deeper connection and a more fulfilling relationship in the long run.