Should I Text Him First? 4 Rules of When to Text Him and When to Wait
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So you’re asking yourself about the new guy you just met: should I text him first? Or should I let him come to me?
According to a new survey by a well-known dating app, one out of three successful heterosexual relationships were started by the woman messaging first.
But that data doesn’t clarify the answer. It’s not always best for you to message first. So who should make the first move?
If you’ve ever wondered, “should I text him first? Should I wait?” then you’re far from alone. I’m willing to bet every woman who has ever dated has asked herself those same questions. And in this video and article, I’m going to answer them. Stay tuned.
P.S. If you need a little help in the texting department, check out my Love Texting Report. It’s got texts that you can copy and paste and start using today!
Should I Text Him First? 4 Scenarios
Dating these days is totally different from what it was when you were in your 20s. Back then, you’d give a guy your number — your landline number — and wait impatiently for him to call. You might even pick up the receiver (cord or no cord?) to see if there was a dial tone…just in case your phone was broken and he couldn’t call.
Now, women still have that same impatience…but it’s around texting. You give him your number and wait impatiently, but chances are, he won’t call but will text instead.
By the way, this isn’t a great habit: research has shown that couples who text a lot (rather than call) are generally less satisfied with their relationships. So even if you start out texting, try to get him to move to the occasional phone call to balance things out. You just might have a happier relationship if you do!
Given that you’re a self-sufficient kinda gal, you might think to yourself, “To hell with waiting for him to text. I’ll just text first. What’s the big deal?”
In fact, initiating the first text can work, as we learned at the start of this article. But that’s not to say it always is the best course of action. Let’s dive into a few different scenarios and break down the answer to, “should I text him first?”
1. I gave him my number… but should I text him?
You meet a gorgeous, gregarious man at a cocktail party. Before you know it, he has you in stitches. Funny guy! You spend the entire evening talking about everything under the sun.
When it’s time to go, you exchange numbers.
Should you text him first?
My advice — it may come off as a little old-fashioned — is no, you should not text him first in this situation. Let him text you first.
I know what you’re thinking: “What the heck, Adam? What if he never texts me?”
My response is: if he doesn’t text you, then there was no real interest in the first place. Look, he has your number. If he wants to text you, he absolutely will. Clearly, if he doesn’t text, there wasn’t enough spark for him.
Move on with your life. Don’t invest too much emotionally into this scenario. Stop telling yourself that he lost your number (eh, what? Did it fall out of his phone?) or that he’s been too busy to text. Let it go.
By letting him be the one to initiate the first text, you’re allowing him to invest more emotionally in getting your attention. Sure, you are stressed about waiting for him to send that first text, but guess what? He’s going to have that same apprehension when he does text because he’ll be biting his nails waiting for you to respond (and yeah, it’s completely okay to let him sweat a little).
When you first meet a man, you want him to pursue you and to wonder how you feel about him. Being too eager and texting him first may take the thrill of the chase away from him. So let him have that opportunity to pursue you…and don’t be instantly available.
Erika Ettin, the founder of dating website A Little Nudge, says that there is more perceived value when you make a man wait with your response:
“The less someone responds or reciprocates to one’s advances, the more perceived value the pursuer thinks this person has. So we try harder since this person must really be ‘worth it’ if he or she is in such high demand — in other words, this person is a scarce resource.”
And here’s a little trick that will take the question out of this particular scenario. Ask for his number and then send him a text on the spot. Technically you sent the first text, but the ball is in his court, so he’s got no excuse not to text you!
2. Can I text a guy I met at work?
You work together, but you’re not in the same department, so you’re not worried that there’s a conflict of interest. You’re definitely interested, and you’re pretty certain he feels the same.
Should you, say, add him as a friend on Facebook?
I say yes. Why not?
But here’s the caveat: know what the policy at work is about dating co-workers. If you’re not sure, check your employee handbook or ask your HR manager. If there are rules against it, please don’t open this can of worms. It will only cause a headache down the road.
Hey: 14% of people say an office romance helped them enjoy a job they hated, so what have you got to lose?
However, if it’s totally cool to date other people in your workplace, friending him on Facebook is a great way to show a different side of yourself to someone who only knows your work personality. He might be pleasantly surprised, once he scrolls through your Facebook profile, to find that you’re really into salsa dancing (so is he!). That could lead to a great conversation about it and even a date!
And because Facebook has Messenger built in, once you’re connected as friends, you can message one another outside of the confines of your work email addresses. Taking your communication out of the workplace opens the door to him having the opportunity to message you and ask you out.
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3. Should I ask him out again via text?
So you’ve been in communication with this guy one way or another, and you just went on your first date. It went stupendously.
Should you text him first after the date?
Here I say absolutely yes. If he took you on a date, going to the trouble to plan the date and even paying for it, it is absolutely appropriate for you to text him and thank him for an amazing night out.
Not texting him that evening or even the next day could send the message that you’re not really interested, and you certainly don’t want to give him that impression! So send him a short text thanking him for the date. Close with “I look forward to seeing you again” so that he starts anticipating the next date.
I guarantee he’ll appreciate it. Men are like dogs (sorry guys!). When you reward him (thanking him for the date and saying how much fun you had), he will want to do the same thing to get more reward from you. So the minute he reads your text, he’ll be brainstorming future date ideas!
4. Should I text him after sex?
Whether it was your first date or your 15th, you finally got intimate with this guy. It was pretty great, but you’re torn: if you text first, will you come off as needy? And what if he only wanted things to be casual and doesn’t text back? On the other hand, waiting might communicate to him that you didn’t enjoy yourself, and you don’t want him to think that.
“Arg. Enough already, Adam. Should I text him first or not?”
If the sex was indeed amazing and you want to see him again, yes, absolutely send that first text. If you’re already thinking about the next time you can hop in the sack with him, send a sexy text that will get him excited.
So, should I text him?
Let me just say: there is no hard and fast rule, no set-in-stone answer to the question, “should I text him first?”
What I’ve given here is my own personal opinion. You can take it or leave it. I have, however, helped thousands of women find true love, so I might know a thing or two about what I’m talking about!
What it comes down to in the early stages of dating and texting, especially if this whole thing is new to you after a divorce, is going at his pace. He may move at a snail’s pace while you’re more of a cheetah. It may get frustrating. But if you pay attention to how long he takes to respond to texts or just his personality in general, you’ll be able to figure out his tempo and match it.
Don’t pursue him. Let him pursue you.
Now I want to hear from you! Do you agree with the suggestions I gave in any of these scenarios? Don’t be afraid to play devil’s advocate! Let’s start a dialogue about whether you should text him first in the comments below.
And if you need more resources to help you with your text game, download Love Texting today and spark a little interest from this guy!
I agree with your four “Who should test first?” scenarios except for the last one.
If we have sex the night before, I will definitely wait for the gentleman to text me first the next day.
Because, if he’s a gentleman, he will.
I’ve been dating a man for two years. The day after a romantic hot night of sex I still wait for him to text first.
I believe it keeps him emotionally invested and assures me he’s thinking of me.
My boyfriend on holiday but text his ex wife on the hour and don’t reply back to my text messages. What do I do leave it or ask him about it. Like confront him why she can get immediate replies and I don’t
Great article, Adam. I have to disagree with you, Rebecca. If you’ve already given a guy “the cookies,” it’s too late to start with the little tests of his character and emotional investment. Figure THAT out before going to bed with a guy, and if you do that, then it doesn’t matter whether you text him first/he texts you first the day after sex.
Hi there, I hope that you texted your guys without consequences. Could you help me, maybe? I deleted a few messages in my iPhone13, but they happened to be important. How to get them back? The thing is that my ex is blackmailing me and I want to fetch old messages when he promised he would leave me alone!
He’s just bought it. So perhaps he doesn’t know how to deal with it yet. I recommend you to read https://setapp.com/how-to/how-to-recover-deleted-text-messages-on-iphone that my boss gave me last week. So I found a relevant article for you to save your time and mine. Because I know you will start asking questions otherwise.