What’s your attachment style? That question has become as common as “What’s your love language?” And that’s good news! People are increasingly recognizing the vital role attachment plays in our relationships. The bad news? Many are misinterpreting and misapplying it.

Today, we’re going to set the record straight. We’ll give you a more complete understanding of what attachment is (and isn’t), how you should be thinking about it, and most importantly, how you can move toward a more secure attachment in your own life.

Attachment Style: A Quick Review

Before we dive in, let’s do a quick refresher on the four primary attachment styles:

• Secure: You’re comfortable with both intimacy and independence – the “Goldilocks” of relationships, where everything feels “just right.”

• Anxious (Preoccupied): You crave closeness but are constantly worried your partner will leave, leading to clinginess or a constant need for reassurance.

• Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized): You desire close relationships but are terrified of getting hurt, leading to a push-pull dynamic where you want someone close but then push them away.

• Dismissive-Avoidant: You value your independence above all else and tend to keep people at arm’s length, even when you genuinely care about them.

It’s not just about your style, though. You need to consider both partners’ attachment tendencies. If either of you is insecure, it can lead to a miserable relationship. The more you understand attachment, the better equipped you’ll be.

The #1 Thing People Get Wrong: Category vs. Continuum

There’s a lot of misunderstanding around attachment, but most of it stems from one key mistake: viewing it as a category rather than a continuum.

Early research (Hazan & Shaver, 1987) described three distinct attachment categories: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. And almost every time someone completes one of those assessments, you hear, “I fit a couple of these…” That’s because the “category” mental model is flawed.

In our high-end program, Lux, we emphasize seven mental models for a healthier approach to dating and love. One crucial model is focusing on continuums, not categories.

The Problem with Categories:

• Either/Or Thinking: It forces you into an “either/or” mindset – you’re either secure or insecure, or one of the three styles.

• Non-Overlapping Groups: Categories imply distinct, non-overlapping groups, which isn’t accurate. The difference between being secure and anxious could be a single detail or response on a scale.

• Labels That Stick: Categories become labels that define you. Saying “I’m an avoidant” can be a self-definition that’s hard to shake.

The Better Way: The Continuum

Think of attachment like a dimmer switch, not an on/off switch. This provides more nuance, specificity, and accuracy. You have tendencies, not categories. You might be “mostly secure with anxious tendencies” or “mostly secure with avoidant tendencies.”

Research supports this by looking at a combination of two continuums:

1. Comfort with Closeness

2. Anxiety Over Abandonment

Our clients take an evidence-based assessment that dynamically shows them exactly where they fit on both dimensions. This visual representation clarifies that you’re not just secure or avoidant. Instead, it shows you how secure or how avoidant you are, and if you’re close to another tendency. This helps you understand whether you need to work on your comfort with closeness or your anxiety over abandonment.

Again, think in terms of tendencies, not styles – it’s far more accurate.

What Else Do People Get Wrong?

1. Attachment is Permanent

False! While attachment patterns can be stubborn and tough to change, you absolutely can change them. Our clients often say things like, “At the moment, I’m anxiously attached,” or “I’m an avoidant, for now,” or even, “I’m a recovering anxious person who is currently secure.”

Seeing your attachment on a continuum makes your ability to adapt and change much more obvious. Will it change accidentally? Probably not. Will simply learning about it change it? Again, probably not. Most people don’t know any better and lack the right help and support. We tend to cling to our defaults and what’s familiar, so most people stay generally the same. Change requires intentional effort and often support.

2. Your Attachment Applies in All Contexts

False! The assumption that secure people are always secure and anxious people are always needy in every situation is incorrect. You can have different attachment tendencies with different people – your mom, your dad, your best friend, your romantic partner. You can even feel more secure on one day and less secure the next. It all fluctuates along the continuum. Which relationship should you aim for in terms of security? Your best friend!

3. Once You’re Secure, You’re Set

Even if you lean heavily secure, you might occasionally slip into anxious or avoidant tendencies. Clients sometimes worry that less secure moments mean they’re regressing. Remind yourself it’s a continuum! You can be a healthy person who eats a donut – that doesn’t disqualify you as a healthy person. Security doesn’t make you immune to fears, uncertainty, or doubt. A secure person might feel avoidant after a breakup, but because they are fundamentally secure, they’re more likely to bounce back to security more easily.

4. Don’t Blame Your Partner

Phrases like “I’m anxious because of them” or “He made me avoidant” are disempowering. Your partner isn’t putting you into a new attachment category. Do other people truly have that much control or influence over you? No. Your choice to stay with them, or not, is the real issue. Generally, we want to move away from the “they made me feel” way of dealing with people. Others don’t make you feel anything; you are in control of your emotions and reactions. That’s empowering! While someone can temporarily shift your tendencies (like breakups or being cheated on), it’s not a permanent change to your core attachment.

Strategies for Change: Becoming More Secure

Being insecure can make dating incredibly difficult. Investing effort in becoming more secure is one of the best things you can do for your love life.

1. Believe in Change

Research shows the concept of Earned-Secure Attachment (ESA) – the process by which individuals with insecure childhood attachment overcome negative experiences to develop secure relationship patterns in adulthood.

Important: Just because you can shift your attachment doesn’t mean you should try to change your partner’s. That’s not your job.

2. Patience

It’s going to take time. You likely have years (or decades!) of practice being less secure. Don’t expect a drastic shift in a week. Accountability and reminders, like we provide for our clients, can help significantly.

3. Find a Secure Partner and Trust Them

Most people are secure. Going into a new relationship trusting people will generally work out. They aren’t there to “fix” you; you need to learn to trust, and who better to do it with than someone who is trustworthy?

• Notice when they follow through on commitments and promises.

• Value their consistency, reliability, and stability.

• Observe how they open up and share, and learn by watching them to open up and share yourself.

4. What Would a Secure Person Do?

Research suggests that while we often think changing our attitude (thinking more securely) impacts behavior, it’s actually the opposite. Start doing the behaviors, and you’ll start thinking that way.

Here are behaviors a secure person would do:

• Start Dating (Don’t wait to be ready): Get out there and practice.

• Make Dating a Priority (No excuses): Don’t let other things sideline your search for love.

• Don’t Have Too Many Rules/Restrictions/One-Strike Policy: Be open and adaptable.

• Build Emotional Connection Through Openness & Vulnerability: Share yourself authentically.

• Be OK Without Constant Contact: Understand that healthy relationships have space.

PRACTICE: Let’s say he hasn’t texted in two days.

• Avoidant: “It’s over.”

• Anxious: “Let me text him a few times. He might need me, be hurt, trapped under something heavy, miss me, etc.”

• What would a secure person do? “I’m sure he’ll reach out. If not, we probably weren’t compatible, or he isn’t ready to make this a priority. His loss.”

One of the most rewarding things we hear from our clients is, “He hasn’t texted in two days… the old me would be FREAKING OUT.” Hearing “the old me” shows incredible growth and improvement. This is precisely why we do what we do.

For a deeper dive into your own attachment tendencies and personalized guidance, visit LoveApply.com to explore our special assessment designed for our clients.