How to Make Your Ex Chase You (Reverse the Power Dynamic)

woman plotting

So you want your ex back…or at least to make him want you, so now you’re asking your friends for advice on how to make your ex chase you.

You’re sure that, if you “play hard to get”, he’ll come running back and beg you to take him back.

I’ll be honest: this may or may not happen, depending on how serious the reason for your breakup was. There are tons of useless articles online promising you that you can win him back with a few “cheat tips.” But I’m not here to take your money and give you bad advice. I want you to know that if it’s not meant to be with this guy, no amount of effort is going to change that.

The best thing you can do is let him go and move on.

On the other hand…I’ve coached hundreds of men and women, and seen many many examples of when the following strategies on worked to get couples back together.

I’m going to assume that he broke up with you if you’re trying to get him to come after you (otherwise you’d be doing the chasing), so in this article, I’ll go into strategies on how to make your ex chase you that don’t involve games or lying.

Before You Plot How to Make Your Ex Chase You…

Consider this your safety warning. I know that when he left you, you probably felt broken into a million little bits. You miss him a thousand times a day. You can’t see your life going forward without him.

But step outside of your pain with me for just a moment to really assess whether you need this man back in your life. Don’t gloss over what went wrong, whether it was just at the end or throughout the entire relationship. Really own those problems. Examine them.

Were there times you were so frustrated about those problems that you couldn’t see the relationship working out?

Did the two of you constantly fight about your issues?

Did you feel like you were unable to trust him?

It’s easy to bury your head in the sand after the psychological trauma of being broken up with. But you need to be honest with yourself about whether that relationship really had any hope of surviving, or if it was doomed from the start.

I get it.

Right now, all you can see is the goal of getting him back and of learning how to make your ex chase you. But please consider whether that is truly the best thing for your sanity and wellbeing. It might not be. (following #2 will help you figure this out.)

Step #1: Take Back Your Power

There’s a power play that happens in a breakup. He controlled that situation. Possibly out of nowhere, he drops the bomb that he’s unhappy and can’t stay with you the way things are. Your world crumbles. You have zero power in this situation, other than to walk away with what little dignity you can.

But in the aftermath, you’ve had some time to reflect on the breakup and the relationship in general, and now it’s time for you to take back your power.

You get to decide whether to interact with your ex post-breakup (more on that in #2). You control your reaction to the situation. If you allow him to take up energy in your head, you’re still giving him power.

I know. It’s amazing how someone who’s not even in the room with you can take control of your brain. But you’ve got to push him out. Do things that nurture you. Exercise. Go out with friends. Stay busy. The more active you are, the less time you’ll have to replay conversations or play the “what might have been” game in your head.

Something really interesting happens when you reclaim the power you lost in the breakup. He notices. Where he might have seen you as a sniveling puddle of sadness on the floor right after the breakup (sorry!), he’s now seeing a confident woman who isn’t as upset by the relationship ending as he thought she was. What a blow to his ego.

And one of the reasons men chase women is to boost their egos. So while your intent in taking back your power isn’t specifically to succeed in how to make your ex chase you, it is a nice side effect.

Why are you taking back your power? You’ve had a bruise to the ego. You may feel unwanted or unloved. Trust me: you’re not. So by reclaiming your power, you feel a little more like your old self and are able to see that life doesn’t end because of a breakup.

Step #2: Follow The No Contact Rule

no contact rule

Learn how to make your ex chase you by starting with zero contact for 3 weeks.

I’ve talked before about the no contact rule on Sexy Confidence. There are so many reasons to nix all interaction with your ex right after a breakup.

You need time to heal.

You need perspective on what went wrong.

You need to figure out if you even want/need to be with this man.

Making him miss you a little doesn’t hurt, either!

But maybe right after he dumps you, your ex tells you he wants to stay friends, and still keeps in touch.

He might text you every few days…

Or like your Instagram posts…

Or stop by to see you.

First of all, this goes back to #1. He has power if he’s the one dictating when and where he sees you when you really need time away from him!

I want you to stop and think for a minute. What benefit is there in him saying he wants to stay friends after breaking up with you?

He wants to keep you in his back pocket. He wants you there in case nothing better comes along. You’re his Plan B.

This is not where you want to be, even if you are working on how to make your ex chase you. He needs time away from you to realize what he gave up. To understand that he had a good thing with you, and now he’s jeopardized it. To reflect on how he can win you back.

Because you don’t deserve to be a Plan B. You deserve to be won back like a prize at the county fair. Yeehaw!

So no talking or seeing him for three weeks. Be firm. Own it and you’ll have the power.

Step #3: If He Contacts You, Be Calm and Casual

After that month of no contact, he’ll likely reach out. It might be a simple “hey” text, or he might call you, gushing out how he made a mistake and wants you back. Or somewhere in between.

Whatever the form of contact, whatever he says, you must be calm and detached. He cannot know for a minute that inside you’re jumping up and down for joy at the prospect of things working out after all.

I know you’re a medley of emotions right now. Part of you wants to scream at him for breaking your heart. Part of you wants to cry over the pain you’ve been through. Part of you wants to sigh with relief that he wants you again.

But I’m begging you: keep it in check. If you want to know how to make your ex chase you, you’ve got to play it calm, cool, and collected.

Let’s look at two versions of you and assess which your ex would be more likely to chase.

Version A: “Omigod I knew you’d come back! I’ve been miserable without you! I can’t eat! I can’t sleep! Should I bring my toothbrush over since I’m staying the night tonight (and every night after)!”

Version B: “It’s good to hear from you. How have you been? I’ve been crazy busy. Finally got around to taking those salsa lessons I talked about.”

I mean, be honest: which is more appealing to you? Version A is a hot mess…whereas Version B is a Sexy Confident lady who doesn’t fall apart when a man does something to her, for better or worse. He’s not even sure he can win back Version B, so he’s going to try even harder (because failure = bruised ego).

Step #4: Wait For Him To Come Chasing After You

man chasing woman

Allow him to chase you! It’s harder than it sounds.

If you want to win at how to make your ex chase you, you’ve got to let him actually chase you! Just because he’s sniffing around you again doesn’t mean that he’s actively pursuing you or that he wants to get back together. Men chase what they can’t easily access, so you’ve got to become less accessible.

You do that by getting a life.

Like I always say, I’m not encouraging you to manipulate him or play games, but you can make it harder for him to reach you. Put your phone on silent while you watch tv so you don’t jump up to respond to his text within seconds. Go out and get active so you can honestly say you’re not available tonight. Let him text first. Set the framework for when and how he can connect with you. Dole out your time like treats.

I know this is going to be challenging for all you assertive women out there who don’t mind making the first move but resist!

Step #5: Resist the Urge to Tell Him Everything About Your Life

He lost the privilege of getting a detailed account of the goings-on in your world the day he broke up with you, so don’t feel like you have to be so forthcoming now.

If he wants to see you and you have plans, just say, “sorry, I have plans.”

You don’t need to tell him that you’re going on a date…

Or hanging with girlfriends…

Or coloring your hair.

Let him wonder. Mystery is intriguing, and will make him pursue you all the more.

Step #6: Do NOT Sleep With Him Until the Deal is Sealed

via GIPHY

It’s shocking: 44% of people have slept with an ex…and you can bet they didn’t all end up back together as a couple long-term. Sleeping with someone you’ve already been with, who you’ve trusted with your body and soul, can seem like a good idea, but remember your goal. You’re working on how to make your ex chase you so that you can be together indefinitely…not for a night.

So while you might read his seduction as the first step toward a reunion, realize that it probably isn’t. It could just be that he’s horny, and figures it’s easier to get with you than go meet a chick in a bar, buy her a drink, and hope that she goes for it.

Sleeping with him after a breakup but before you’re officially back together can severely impact your efforts to get him back. It can make him stop chasing you altogether when he sees there’s no challenge.

So yes, he can want to sleep with you…that desire may fuel him to work to woo you back. But you absolutely shouldn’t act on it until you’re officially an item once again.

Conclusion:

As you develop your own strategies for how to make your ex chase you, keep asking yourself if you still want to get back together. You may find that you see a different side of him as he tries to win you over…and maybe he’s less enticing than he once was.

If he’s overly emotional and eager about getting back together, you may find him less attractive (#3 works both ways). Sure, you want him to be contrite and apologetic about ending something that had potential, but he still needs to seem like a catch in your eyes.

So have fun with it! Being wooed is one of the joys of dating and relationships, and it very well could inject the fresh energy you needed to make your relationship work long-term.

So talk to me. What methods have you learned for how to make your ex chase you that had positive results? Share them in the comments below!

The first step of winning him back is making yourself whole again. I created the Heal Your Heart program with you in mind, and filled it with amazing resources to help you mend that broken heart before you work on how to make your ex chase you and ultimately capture your heart again. Get access here.

woman plotting
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Adam LoDolce

Love Strategist

My true passion in life is transforming your love life by giving you specific tools and techniques that you can use to attract long lasting love. I got started when...Read Adam's Story

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2 years ago

I really want my power back and I wanna believe if I play hard to get so to speak, it will make him miss me and realize we do belong together. It’s so hard but I don’t wanna present myself ass desperate. So I’m done with that.

Hannibal
10 months ago
Reply to  Angela Gross

How is your situation going now since it’s been august after this post. I want to know how your maintaining

tamilore
1 year ago

i seriously dont know what to do, my ex broke up with me recently because he said i caused him pains, he said i was always very rude and very disrespectul so due to that the love is fading. it hurts so much because he like me so much and i couldnt just bear the whole pain. i really need help.

Lily
10 months ago
Reply to  tamilore

Wow, that’s powerful. It’s tough in my case. My husband is a spoiled child and he arrogant, manipulative and prideful. We broke up several times but he didn’t put effort to make things work. I realized l also contributed to our problems because he’s not treating as a wife.
It’s four years now, he never attempt to reconcile or talk to me, I’m hanging don’t know what to do and can’t move on, but this article helped me, thanks

docLady
1 year ago

I dated a guy for months and he was super attentive, charming and he went overboard to win me over. We agreed we were exclusive and all. he took me places and Introduced me to his brother, best friends etc. A couple days after our 1st disagreement about him doing things on social media to get the attention of other women, out of the blue he blind sides me and says his ex broke his heart and we are getting so serious that he doesnt want to commit anymore. a bunch of BS..you dont pursue a woman full speed and… Read more »

like
1 year ago

why should you need to play games with someone. Someone genuine wont care about games. Like I dont care if a guy plays games or not. If I like a guy, I like him.

Jan
1 year ago

My ex moved in and after a year ghosts me. We argued one day and he took all his stuff blocked me changed his number and wants nothing to do with me. I embarrassed myself and cried and begged and just was so confused we were best friends before we dated. He didn’t break up with me he just left me guessing and confused and I guess I snapped. Now I’m mortified I just wish I could find my dignity again.

1 year ago

I love this! I have a very similar article regarding sex with your ex that I would love to collaborate on! For the record, i don’t believe in backtracking unless you have completely healed emotionally. Then at that point you should move on to someone who wants what you want and realizes they have gold.

Emma
1 year ago

My ex and I were together for 4 years. He sort of ghosted me too… I have a feeling he lost interest or maybe he was bored. I love him so much but I don’t know how to get him back.

1 year ago

I dated a guy for 5 years he dumped me cause his saying i love him so much and he doesnt want ….he want a challenging relatioship ….guess what his very stuborn he dont like solving im used to his behaviour and i have a way to deal with it but now that he see i dont compete with him he just decided to breakup with me and im 1 month pregnant with his child he text me everyday and check if i and the baby we fine .GOOD PEOPLE HELP!

Isaac
1 year ago
Reply to  Bokang

Sorry to say this but that man DOESN’T love you anymore. Any man who sincerely wants to be with you for the rest of his life won’t be asking for a challenging relationship (what da heck )as if as he’s in a competition or something!BAD EXCUSE so far. Instead, he will be thankful for having a woman who is not giving him headaches. He’s checking on you and the baby because he feels guilty about abandoning you, the woman who unconditionally loved him and because he wants that baby. (He’s probably afraid that you may decide not to keep that… Read more »

1 year ago

This is the 12th time he has left me.. everytime I ring him.. say sorry (even if I feel I did nothing wrong..he makes me believe I did) he blanks at home n sleeps in spare room if he does not like what I’m doing? ( my job..my friends… )which makes me panic and therefore nag and try to explain how that makes me feel.. so I feel insecure..I nag so he leaves..I chase.he tells me he can not do it anymore I beg. I try to understand his point.. he comes back to me but with conditions. .he is… Read more »

Isaac
1 year ago

Now it’s a time for you to stop acting desperate in his eyes. Apologizing for the mistakes you didn’t make just for him to be happy or taking you back, is what is wrong not him. If a man is very confident with leaving you 12 times it’s a big sign that HE ISN’T into you. You’re a backup plan (sorry). He knows that anytime he can leave you and you will be begging and waiting for him once he decides to come back or not. Gain your respect back , confidence and power. Turn tables and make him see… Read more »

I Am Strong
1 year ago

Great pointers. My ex recently reached back out after no response to my last message almost 2 weeks ago. I know I have been handling thing wrong in the past by being needy after the break up. I even messed with him the last time we saw, though that was not my plan. I believe he cared about me as initially after the breakup he tried reaching out but I wasn’t ready to be friends. And we broke the no contact rule a few times. But I was devastated after we messed around as I mentioned and I was actually… Read more »

Jessie
1 year ago

About a month ago my ex broke up with me out of the blue. We were talking just like normal and then he decided to break up with me a few hours later. He said that the long distance has caused us to loose connect with each other. But I was so confused because we were both planning to be back in our hometown soon. This was an 8 years relationship. He said that our lives are changing and that we are different people now and have lived so independently from each other that it is becoming too difficult to… Read more »

gloria luis
10 months ago

Am gloria, am out here to share a little of my experience about my marriage and how I got help from Manuka temple. I was in a sexless marriage for 2 years without knowledge about what was going on in my marriage, I keep asking myself what i have done wrong to deserved all this from my husband who I get married to for 11 years, I set up an investigation to know the reason why treat me this way, it was then I found out he was seeing another Lady from a different city, he was planing to relocate… Read more »

Lily
10 months ago
Reply to  gloria luis

Wow, that’s powerful. It’s tough in my case. My husband is a spoiled child and he arrogant, manipulative and prideful. We broke up several times but he didn’t put effort to make things work. I realized l also contributed to our problems because he’s not treating as a wife.
It’s four years now, he never attempt to reconcile or talk to me, I’m hanging don’t know what to do and can’t move on, but this article helped me, thanks

Hannibal
10 months ago

I need help my friend left me because she went through my phone which is my privacy and saw things in there that hurt her and now I lost her and she told me she’s not gonna call me back. I need help I don’t think it’s my ego but I’m still want her I did tell her I wasn’t ready to be with her at the time because I know I needed to work on something but now I know it’s mess up the relationship and this no contact rule is hard to do without contacting her. She’s a… Read more »

Vandana chaudhary
9 months ago

I have been in relationship for almost 7 years now, we both love each other but recently i realised that he doesnot value me and i know it was because of me because i didn’t loved myself as much i love him. One night we were talking and i was sad after thinking something he was like u r such a sad person and i have already so much tension i dont want to take yours and he cut the call and i was blank for few minutes , usually this happens after some fight but this time it was… Read more »

Azure
8 months ago

I was on and off with a guy for 2 years. For 1 of those years we have been planning to move into together because we were doing the long distance thing. On December 11 he told me he didn’t want to move anymore and that he didn’t want a relationship. December 20 he got into a different relationship but he wants me to stay in his life as a friend. I love this man with all my heart; what should I do?

Sophia
7 months ago

Everything mentioned in this article is absolutely true. Once you take the step back to regain control over your emotions and become detached, it will give birth to curiosity and pursuit. I tried “being friends” with my ex and I had to cut him out of that “friend” zone because I hadn’t fully recovered. Literally an entire month passed with zero communication and he came back Begging to get back with me. I told him, “I can’t believe I had to cut you off for you to see the value in having me in your life.” I haven’t said yes… Read more »

Susan
6 months ago
Reply to  Sophia

You’re so right. My fiance blindsided me with a breakup. I was shocked. No explanation, no warning. Then we tried the ‘friends ‘ thing which I could see was detrimental to well-being. Then I stepped back and cut him off completely. No replying his texts, no calling him, blocked him on mobile. In fact I vanished. Now he’s blowing up my phone with texts, notifications of blocked calls, sending his sisters to check on me. In essence he’s seriously worried cause I seem not to care if he exists. So this article is spot on! Take back control and watch… Read more »

lisa
5 months ago
Reply to  Sophia

what did you do when being just friends was not working out? how did you approach him with that?

Greta miranda
6 months ago

I have a boyfriend and we’re already 6 months in relationship, but I am not only his gf. He has another one. He always told me to wait for him to make a break up with that girl.. Then one day, they broke up but my BF always chase her and I think they are still together.. Is it for me to give up? I do really love him so much..

Kavisha
6 months ago
Reply to  Greta miranda

I think its better if u give up i know its hard but its good for you.. Love someone who loves you darling..

lisa
5 months ago

my best friend chased me for years. when I finally gave him a chance, he said no. later gave me lots of mixed signals. I decided to go no contact for months (4 to be exact). we ran into each other not long ago and now he’s been messaging me since. from his messages, he seems like he just wants to be friends. but when we see each other, he flirts. this one time he also got jealous when I talked to other people including his family. what should I do? I do still like him and i believe in… Read more »

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