He’s Not as Great as You Think: Stop F.I.B.ing to Yourself
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Notes from the Podcast
The heart is a powerful force, relentlessly pursuing what it desires, often without our conscious realization. This pursuit can lead us to engage in a deceptive practice called F.I.B.ing—Filling In Blanks. This clever acronym reveals a troubling behavior pattern where, without concrete information about someone, we optimistically fill in the gaps with wishful thinking rather than reality. This behavior undermines our success in finding genuine connections and significantly increases the risk of heartache.
The Three Main Ways We F.I.B. Ourselves
1.The Early Stages of Dating: The Illusion of Knowledge
When we first meet someone, especially through the lens of online dating, our knowledge is minimal at best. Despite this, we often find ourselves desperate to know more, to understand what the future holds for this budding relationship. This hunger for insight leads us to fill in the unknowns with overly optimistic and often unrealistic details, creating an image of false perfection. This image is seductive because it embodies the magical potential we hope for in a relationship. However, this early idealization can swing the other way, leading to unnecessary doubt and worry if we’re prone to overthinking or have avoidant tendencies. We might start imagining problems that don’t exist, filling peaceful moments with needless concern—a behavior I call ‘problemicity.’
2. False/Blank Comparisons: The Imaginary Ideal
Another common F.I.B. scenario involves comparing the person we’re dating to an imaginary, ideal partner. This fictional “other” is endowed with all the qualities we desire, making our real-life partner seem lacking by comparison. This comparison is inherently unfair and unrealistic, yet it’s a trap many of us fall into, distorting our perception of the current relationship.
3. Baited F.I.B.s: The Vagueness Trap
Sometimes, the person we’re dating contributes to our F.I.B.ing by being intentionally vague or withholding information. This lack of specificity allows us to fill in the blanks in ways that serve our hopes and desires, not necessarily the reality of the situation. When questions about the future or commitment are met with evasive answers, we may hear these non-answers in the most optimistic light. However, this hopeful interpretation often leads us further from the truth.
In Conclusion
The more we indulge in these F.I.B.s, the more invested we become in the illusions we’ve created. Admitting we were wrong becomes increasingly difficult as we cling to these alluring fictions, making it hard to accept reality as it is. In the quest for love and connection, let’s commit to seeing with our eyes, not just our hearts.
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I’ve watched many of your podcasts and this was my favorite! So good. Thank you
I hate to say it I don’t know Adam but I’m sure I could put him on a pedestal and maybe even show him a few things if I had the chance.. but I have to say you are right we do make people out to be more or less then what they really are sometimes
I don’t ever want to have to catch a man but I believe the times have changed to where men and women believe that love is a big free for all and there’s no point to commitment and that marriage or even commitment is an archaicle way of living.
Nice and informative video. Dr. Gary talks about errors of omissions. These types of statements are actually lies of omission. Errors of omission are account mistakes of not recording a transaction. Lying by omission is leaving out pertinent information to mislead the listener. That’s what these guys are doing. Let’s be real and stop pandering to bad male behavior.
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I’m grateful for the knowledge you shared in this well-structured piece. Thank you! Solar
This was an excellent article. I definitely fell into this trap the past couple of years. The man I was idealizing and all the traps he set completely matched this article. He was vague, elusive, and I was left to fill in so many gaps– wondering all the scenarios. When I didn’t hear from him or when he didn’t answer my questions, I would be left to wonder, “Who’s he with? Is this it for us? Is he seeing anyone now? Then he could come back after days of silences/ghosting me. It was horrible to go through the in and… Read more »
That’s right, I feel like when we love someone we tend to ignore all the problems and have a bit of an illusion that that person is good, those problems can be ignored. However, over time, as our feelings grow closer, we gradually cannot accept that problem and that is also the cause of arguments. Try taking the enneagram personality test to check if you are compatible, as well as a way to learn about each other.