3 Transformative Steps for Getting Over Your Ex
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Notes from the Podcast:
Breaking up can feel like an end to your world as you know it. Everything around you – from the music you hear to the shows you watch – reminds you of your ex. It’s a challenge even to recognize who you are without them. But what if there’s a better way to heal and move on?
The Trap of Bad Love Advice
Often, well-meaning friends and family offer advice like “just move on” or suggest jumping back into dating. However, rebound relationships are rarely helpful and can be unfair to the new partner. Instead, let’s explore some science-based strategies that focus on trying differently, not just trying harder.
#1. Reflect & Recognize: Understanding What Went Wrong
Instead of focusing on specific qualities of your ex – whether good or bad – shift your focus to the relationship dynamics. How did you interact? Did you feel respected, supported, and communicated with? Remember, the early stages of a relationship are often misleading. Focus on the more recent, realistic aspects instead of clinging to the ‘best’ moments.
#2. Give Yourself the Gift of Closure
Waiting for closure from your ex is often futile. If they’re unresponsive or sporadically in touch, it’s a sign that they’re not as invested. To help yourself:
- Write a letter to your ex, but don’t send it.
- Write a letter to yourself from their perspective.
- Make a bulleted list of why the relationship didn’t work.
- Note what you need differently in your next relationship.
These exercises provide catharsis and clarity, helping you understand that the closure you seek is already within you.
#3. Done is Done: The Art of Letting Go
Avoid social media stalking, as research shows it prolongs pain. Don’t settle for a ‘just friends’ relationship if it’s not mutually beneficial. Remember, returning to an ex often leads to repeating the same issues.
The 21-Day Heart Detox:
Editor’s note: Ready to attract love with a proven strategy? Watch this free video to learn the 7 powerful steps
Research suggests it takes 66 days to form a new habit. Start with a 21-day detox from your ex. Use this time to focus on creating the life you want for yourself.
There is nothing wrong with skipping the part about writing a letter to yourself from their perspective. So much more effective to let your anger out by journaling as many things as you can about what was wrong with the person for YOU and your dislikes and disappointments. And holding this anger as a lesson you needed to learn, a surprise ambush you needed to weather or a reckoning that the relationship was a hole you fell into and a big waste of time. NEXT. We’re always taking reponsibility for what we did wrong. For not walking in their shoes… Read more »
The piece that’s hardest for me during a breakup is that MY definition of love is forever. Realizing that THEIR definition of love was NOT forever is tough, or that they gave up on working through any issues when I’m still dedicated to working them out together. When I’m alone, it’s actually cathartic to me to say out loud. “I’ll love you forever.” And to imagine a bird sitting in the palms of my hands and me throwing the bird lovingly into the air so it can fly away. A healing ritual to go through. It’s called a breakup because… Read more »
I have to watch this video over and over again to get this man out of my head. The 2 of you are my “friends” who are sitting across from me and telling me “no…he wasn’t that way.” Thank you both SO MUCH!! I love you guys!!