The question comes up all the time: “How far is too far?”

It’s a question that feels like a plea for a permission slip. As dating experts, we don’t believe in absolute rules. But we do have a guideline: “No more than one hour away.” This isn’t an arbitrary number. It’s a conclusion drawn from extensive data, experience, and strategy.

Of course, the instant we share this, the follow-up question is inevitable: “But what about my special situation?” We get it. Everyone wants their relationship to work, and the idea of a long-distance love story has a certain romantic appeal. But before you pack your bags and book a plane ticket, let’s look at the numbers and the psychology behind why we advise against it.

What Are the Chances?

The statistics are sobering. Only 16% of all romantic relationships are long-distance, and a quarter of those who have been in one report experiencing cheating. For married couples, the numbers are even lower. The question isn’t whether a long-distance relationship can work (they can!), but whether it’s likely to. As our expert Gary would say, “What’s possible versus what’s likely?” Long-distance relationships are possible, but they’re like trying to beat a video game on the hardest difficulty.

Three Reasons to Avoid “Dating on Hard Mode”

1. A Tactic for the Avoidantly Attached It might seem counterintuitive, but a desire for a long-distance relationship can be a sign of avoidant attachment. It allows you to feel like you’re trying to form a connection without the pressure of genuine intimacy. It’s a fantastic excuse: “I want a real connection, but it’s not working out because of the distance.” Research backs this up, showing that people who end up in long-distance relationships can feel anxious or fearful about living with a partner, often due to past hurts.

2. The Perpetual Dating Trap When you only see each other for planned visits, every moment feels like a date. While that might sound like a benefit, it can prevent you from truly figuring out long-term relationship dynamics. You miss out on the mundane, but crucial, aspects of life—the messy mornings, the small disagreements over chores, the unglamorous day-to-day realities that truly test a partnership. This can lead to a relationship that feels shallow and superficial, making it even harder to build a lasting foundation.

3. The Pragmatic Problems Beyond the psychological hurdles, long-distance relationships face a host of practical issues. A recent study found that nearly a third of people who tried a long-distance relationship would not do it again. The reasons? Loneliness, jealousy, insecurity, and the difficulty of integrating each other’s social circles. Even the moments you look forward to most—the reunions—can be trouble. Research shows that 33% of long-distance couples who reunite break up within just three months, often because the idealization of their partner can’t stand up to the reality of cohabitation.

So, Can It Ever Work?

Yes, but usually under two key conditions:

1. No Other Choice The most successful long-distance relationships often start in-person and are forced apart by circumstances. This “forced pacing” can actually be a benefit, as it builds emotional intimacy before physical intimacy takes over. It also fosters a greater appreciation for your partner, echoing the old saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.”

2. A Stronger Foundation If your relationship is built on a solid foundation of friendship and emotional connection, you’re better equipped to handle the distance. This forces you to communicate more effectively and intentionally, fostering a “us vs. the problem” mentality. A long-distance relationship can also help you maintain your individuality – your friends, your hobbies, your routines – which is a key component of a healthy, balanced partnership.

Ultimately, while the odds are stacked against them, long-distance relationships can teach us all a valuable lesson. The strategies that make them work – open communication, a strong emotional foundation, and a balance of “me time” and “we time” – are the very same ones that make any relationship thrive, whether you’re living miles apart or just down the hall.