Summary of the Podcast:

You’ve been dating for a few months, and everything is GREAT. The start was amazing, and things have only gotten better. You’ve had the Define The Relationship (DTR) talk and are officially exclusive. You’ve made it to exactly where you want to be.

But wait… Not so fast. Things have changed. The initial excitement has settled down. He’s not as attentive as he used to be. He seems different…he’s pulling away. DANGER DANGER DANGER. Suddenly, there’s a lot to worry about. Is this a real problem or just a typical cool down period?

The Biggest Problem Overthinkers/Worriers Have in Relationships: They Can’t Stay in the Present.

Mistake #1: Allowing the Future to Ruin the Present

When things start to feel different, overthinkers often let their imagination run wild with potential negative outcomes. They play the “What If” game, which is essentially the world’s worst relationship game:

-What if this is the beginning of the end?

-What if he realized he made a mistake?

-What if he’s falling out of love?

-What if he found someone else?

-What if he’s having regrets?

Isn’t this fun?! The real issue is that you’re not a good predictor of the future. Most (if not all) of those bad things you imagine won’t happen.

Strategy: See Both Sides

Instead of focusing solely on negative possibilities, consider these questions:

-What if nothing is wrong?

-What if I’m overreacting?

-What if I’m missing some other explanation?

Use your creativity for good. Think about all the ways it could go right. What is the simplest, most favorable reason for his behavior?

Mistake #2: Allowing the Past to Ruin the Present

It’s important not to let past relationships or bad experiences affect your current relationship. Here’s what often happens:

-The past partner did XYZ, which was a sign of trouble. Your current partner does something vaguely similar, so you assume you know what will happen.

This isn’t fair to your current partner, who shouldn’t have to fight the battles of your previous relationships. You need to let go of your baggage and heal your wounds.

Strategy: Put the Past Behind You

-Your past doesn’t define your future.

Hating your ex is another way of keeping them close. Don’t hold on to the hurt. Feel it, examine it, understand it, learn from it, and then let it go.

-Your current partner doesn’t deserve to be burdened by your past.

Mistake #3: I Have to Do Something!! (The Default “Solution” That Doesn’t Help)

When you feel things starting to slip, your natural impulse might be to take action:

-Chase: If he’s pulling away, you might think you need to get him back and make him see how much he loves you. This forced closeness can be counterproductive. Ever chased a kid or a dog that got loose? They run. It’s instinctual.

-Run Away: You might think this is definitely the beginning of the end and decide to run away to protect yourself. But this can make a bad situation worse because it deprives the relationship of what it needs to recover and survive.

Strategy: Stay Still

-“Be where your feet are.” Recentering can help—go for a walk in nature, meditate, and experience awe to gain perspective.

-When you feel the urge to chase or run away, simply stay still. Don’t do anything. Just wait and see what’s really going on.

-Not everything requires immediate action. Sometimes, staying present and observing is the best course.

In conclusion, relationships naturally go through phases, and staying grounded in the present is crucial. By avoiding these common mistakes and employing the suggested strategies, you can navigate the ups and downs with greater ease and clarity. Remember, the key is to stay present, let go of past baggage, and resist the urge to react impulsively.