You’ve been dating the same type of guy for what feels like forever. So, how’s that working out for you? As we often say, “If what you’re doing worked, it would have worked by now.” A part of you might cling to the idea that “the heart wants what the heart wants,” or “I know what I like,” believing you can’t imagine anything else. Yet, there’s also that nagging feeling that your “picker” might be broken.

Why Your “Type” Isn’t Working

Let’s face it: if you consistently pick the wrong partners, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. It’s like trying to build a successful company with the wrong employees – it’s just not going to happen. Taking ownership of your choices is crucial because this aspect of your dating life is truly within your control.

Often, your “type” is largely superficial. We’re talking about general attractiveness, perceived success, material possessions, height, specific facial hair, tattoos, or that “bad boy” look. The problem is, when you chase these traits, you’re emphasizing chemistry over character and authentic compatibility. Many of these preferences aren’t even truly yours but rather reflect societal norms and advertising ideals of masculinity and success.

Sometimes, your “type” is based on psychological or interpersonal qualities – maybe you’re drawn to the quiet, standoffish type, or the “cool/popular/alpha” guy who often masks insecurity. What’s more, your “type” often gets set at the wrong time: early in your dating life when you were still figuring out who you were. Why should what you were into back then, when you might have been willing to accept less, still hold true today?

You might also be drawn to “project partners” – guys who give you something to do or work on, allowing you to feel superior or needed. And what feels familiar isn’t always good. Psychologists call this cognitive entrenchment: a mental rigidity where you’re so fixed in your thinking patterns that you struggle to accept new perspectives. If your past experiences were negative, that “toxic familiarity” can feel like safety, even when it’s harmful. You need to recast your “type” as toxic familiarity.

Why You’re a “Bad Picker”

There are a couple of key reasons why your picker might be off. First, you’re not really picking at all. You’re using bad (or no) strategy, perhaps even being a little lazy, leaving it all up to him or to fate. While this sounds romantic, it’s a recipe for disaster. When you wing it and take a haphazard approach, you should expect haphazard results.

Second, you’re too focused on his feelings, not yours. You’re basing your emotions on how he feels about you or the attention he gives you, rather than on your own genuine connection and compatibility.

How to Do Better

So, how can you improve your dating game?

1. Focus on Yourself. To find the right person, you have to be the right person. Research shows that when you don’t know yourself well or have low self-concept clarity, you struggle to determine a good match, making it harder to rule out incompatible partners. You’re also more likely to date incompatible individuals.

2. Break the Illusion of Scarcity & Similarity. Don’t fall for the belief that your “type” is the only one for you, or that all guys are the same. This “all the same” belief usually comes from a lack of experience. Many clients have an “aha” moment when they realize, after meeting enough people, that not all guys are like their ex.

3. Look for “Nourishing Novelty.” Instead of toxic familiarity, embrace a “type” that is fluid and expanding. Your old “type” is just an arbitrary rule, a form of self-handicapping or misguided self-protection. To get unstuck, reset your range. Purposefully go beyond your usual choices. Try a “20% time” approach to dating: make 1 out of every 5 dates a trial with someone a little different. You might surprise yourself!

4. Don’t Follow the Herd. Avoid the partners everyone else goes for – the outwardly attractive, outgoing, smooth talkers. Instead, look for “hidden value” or those partners most people overlook. This could be guys with lackluster profile pictures, less flashy bios, or those who are a little nervous and not as bold.

5. Default to Yes. What would make dating easier? Fewer rules! Embrace a spirit of exploration and experimentation. You don’t know until you try. If it’s not a “hell NO,” it’s a “yes.” Get more experience and see firsthand that all guys aren’t the same.